The person was unarmed.
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
Because it’s made backwards!
Expunge Bob
...it's one of the only day where tomorrow is the present day.
Number 3 will shock you
Aunt Teak.
They were right. I should have waited until next week.
With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"
John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"
John answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."
Back & Body Hurts
I think it was Scampoo.
I've used it before and it works. It's the perfect icebreaker.
It’s Three To One.
Special
It’s a small scale operation.
This is because of a-coo-sticks.
I mean, how low can you go?
“Oh, and what is this special talent?” Asked the priest.
The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.
At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!
“You’re hired!!” He exclaimed.
The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.
The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.
A bystander asked “who is he?”
The priest responded “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”
even the cake was in tiers!
had to do a (bad) dad joke for my cake day lol
“‘Kay, so...” the waiter started
He gave all the credit to his incredible staff.
My hands for always staying by my side
My legs for helping me stand up
And my fingers because I could always count on them
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
...my optometrist just told me that I'm very farce-sighted.
The masks are called coughy filters.
It was a boycot.
Poirots of the Caribbean.
Dante’s in fur now.
.............. But it won't let your dipped biscuit 'Go Soft'
She draws flies and gnats.
Grandma: So what did you do to your turkey? Was it mexican? My Mom: No we tried a cajun sauce this time Grandma: What makes it Cajun? Me: It’s Thanksgiving so its a special oh-cajun
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
She closed due to terrier-able sales.
It was a terminal illness.
(Special thanks to my dog's friend's dad for this one)
It specializes in ringing in the new ear!
Shoutout to my coworker for coming up with half of this amazing joke
The plot was predictable. The special f(x) was terrible.
I'm a geeologist.
It's just a regular martini, but you drink it all alone in your house.
Customer: "Yes, please."
Waiter: "Today IS special. Very special."
Tomorrow they will give a special press conference
