Softening Puns

Upholstery.

Downey

I fought Lenor and Lenor won!

It was feeling rather Downy.

Me: “no the regular stuff is fine we’re only a littleallergenic”

It's going to be a rough week.

Now her clothes don't fit.

This is a tankless job.

Because normal comfort just tastes like fabric softener!

What do u call a cushion on the toilet seat?

A stool softener

They can both soften your stool.

"The best advice I can give you is to apply daily."

So I took some stool softener.

There once was a lumberjack who was known as the hardest working lumberjack in the woods. Old Doolittle Dawort Deigh had a reputation and the complete respect of his coworkers for nearly 60 years. As we all know, tough lumberjacks can’t have sissy names. So many years ago, as was the tradition in the woods, old Doolittle Dawort Deigh was saddled with a nickname and had become known as simply Do Dah.

One tragic afternoon, old Do Dah was working his trade when a tree happened to fall the wrong way. Poor old Do Dah was squished flatter than a lumberjack flapjack. His coworkers, distraught at the thought of breaking the news of Do Dah’s death to his elderly wife, decided that perhaps if bad news was presented in a somewhat good way, it might soften the blow.

So that afternoon, old Do Dah’s fellow lumberjacks gathered on the stoop of the now widowed Mrs. Deigh and hesitantly knocked on the door. It took a few minutes for the old widow to make it across the room to the door. Finally as the door creaked open, the chorus of lumberjacks launched into a rousing rendition of

♪ Guess who died in the woods today ♫ Do Dah, Do Dah. ♫ Guess who died in the woods today Old Do Dah Deigh. ♬

My mom's boyfriend asked her for an Advil. She comes back, hands him the pill, and he takes it.

She says, "I don't have my glasses on so I either gave you an Advil or a stool softener. We'll just have to wait and find out."

We look at her laughing and she tops it off with, "I guess it's a crapshoot!"

Dad: Tell me what this laxative bottle says Me: Uh.. "Softens stool" Dad:put it in the kitchen and everyone will be falling over walks out of room laughing to himself

At dinner, my mom was talking about her day:

Mom: "I had to order a new stool for the kitchen..."

Dad Interupts: "Why? Was the old one too hard?"

Mom: "What?"

Dad: "Well, if the old one is too hard, don't buy a new one, just rub some stool softener on it!"

All of us: groan