The youngest girl in our family wants to be a male semiconductor device for amplifying, controlling, and generating electrical signals when she grows up.

She's my trans sister

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Who do you go see when you've got no signal in the waiting room?

The receptionist

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeftyPackage
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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I have this disease where I can’t stop signaling to planes for help.

The doctor told me my symptoms are flaring up.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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My cell signal always drops when I work the front desk at work and I can't get calls.

Bad reception.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/melmia88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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I never thought my son would steal road signals

But when I got home all the signs were there

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oleolesp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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They finally invented a golf ball that uses GPS signal to locate the hole, and then roll in.

Just dont put it your back pocket.

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squirrel_MD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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This tree is giving me mixed signals
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yashT19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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Signal's up
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Da_MeMe_KING_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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My wife asked if her turn signal was working

I said "Yes. No. Yes. No."

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaros262
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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Hand Signals
πŸ‘︎ 257
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rez97
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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This one gave me a good chuckle
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Emmet_Brown
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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I was going to make a joke about weak phone signal...

But it would get a bad reception

πŸ‘︎ 330
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BD8D
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2017
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My husband suggested we get a repeater to improve our router signal...

Me: A what?

Him: A repeater.

Me: dramatic eyebrow wiggling with shit eating grin

Him: Oh my god.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/misscharl0tte
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2016
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Just witnessed a septic cleaning truck use the left lane for a right turn, using no signal, and then proceeded to drive 10 miles under the speed limit...

Turns out he was a shit driver..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluecaddy5000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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If I were a cop I would ticket people for not using their turn signals

Left and right

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OddZenn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.

I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.

πŸ‘︎ 802
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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Why doesnt matthew mcconaughey's lincoln have a left turn signal?

Because it goes all right all right all right

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/threecheers4jim
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.

Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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How did Palpatine talk to Kylo Ren before episode 9?

Snoke Signals

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilTheGerbil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was on holiday in a picturesque rural lake area, got stressed at the lack of 4G and 3G signal though.

I was on EDGE there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YorkshireRiffer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Back then when cars didn't have turn signals, what did it mean when a girl had her arm out the window?

That the window is down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LICK_THE_BUTTER
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2018
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend just called me up and told me that we were breaking up.

I went outside and the signal improved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know what makes me cross?

When the signal changes to a man walking.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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Dad told me my turn signal light was broken today

"Wait, it's working again. Now it's not. Now it's fine. Now it's not."

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amnesiajune
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
🚨︎ report
Why doesn't Batman use his cellphone?

Because he's always got a bat signal!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/metroidfan220
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
How does Ryu signal forfeit?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pjaskjin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
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Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...

...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
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That's what I call a stop and go
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πŸ‘€︎ u/that_guy_Peebles
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2017
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I had a girl check me out yesterday!

She was hot but I didn't catch her signal until it was too late when she handed me my receipt and said "Have a nice day".

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NairodI
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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An Ant is lying in its death bed in North Korea.

He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.

Son Ant : What is it dad?

Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.

Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to France.They boarded a spy ship which took them to south Korea.From there they boarded a flight to France.With great difficulty they finally reached France.The father ant's health became worse.The son ant was thinking what was so important that they had to move to another country, So when they settled in their new home he finally asked..

Son Ant : Dad, We are in France now you can tell whatever you were going to tell me. The Father could not speak up so he signaled his son to come closer.The son did.

Father Ant: Son, We are now Europeants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoOne77492
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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Laying in a hospital bed when my Dad dropped this one on me...

Just finished getting an electrocardiogram when my dad and I had this conversation.

Dad: "What did they do to you?"

Me: "E-C-G, Electrocardiogram."

Dad: "Isn't that an E-K-G?"

Me: "I don't know, I thought it was an E-C-G."

Dad: "So, if E-C-G and E-K-G are both for electrocardiogram, what the hell is an E-G-G?"

Me: "I have no idea."

Dad: "It's an egg, you idiot."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GQuesnelle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2014
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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I rear ended a dwarf in a mini...

He hopped out, waddled over, and signalled me to wind down my window.

As the window came down, red in the face he yelled β€œI AM NOT HAPPY!”

To which I replied, β€œWell which one are you then?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seshimus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

He couldn't get a signal on his phone and GPS wouldn't work to tell him how to get there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My students are catching on...

Today I took a class out onto the oval to investigate the strength of radio signals in different situations. For one, we wrapped a radio in foil and as I was unwrapping it a student commented that they hoped there was food inside.

I finished opening it and said 'oh man, it's a radio - mum must really hate me' to which another student replied 'I know, it's not even a ham radio...'

Was so proud!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D-Nizzle
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2014
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My girlfriend managed to dadjoke me

We were Skyping, and I was trying to figure out the delay between the audio and the video. I said "ping", as I often do when this issue occurs, and she replies "ping" back to signal when she heard me. Sometimes, when she doesn't do it the first time, it gets confusing and I don't know which one she is responding to.

So I switched my word to "taco" in the hopes that it'd break the cycle. No go. She goofed it again.

When I said "I give up", she said "Wait! Let's taco 'bout this."

I love that girl.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phonyhomeless
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2014
🚨︎ report
Asked if my indicators were working

dad responded: yes, no, yes, no.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rob_was_here
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2013
🚨︎ report
An ancient Babylonian general was involved in a plot to overthrow the king...

An ancient Babylonian general was involved in a plot to overthrow the king. But, the plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail.

The general managed to escape and he fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away to meet his followers. Unfortunately, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure his men would find the right one. So, the fugitive general lit a small fire to signal them.

The other generals of the king's army saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and they rushed over and killed him.

The moral of the story?

The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notyourreality
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Important safety warning!

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.

However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.

The moral of the story? WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkBrokeMyPots
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
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Why did the poop cut off the fart?

He forgot to use his turd signal.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imconservative
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the antenna wedding?

The ceremony was ok, but the reception was amazing.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2015
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I once tried to date a girl who was deaf and dyslexic

But she was always sending mixed signals

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
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My smart aleck 16 year old son got me with this one the other night

Driving home from his football game and I change lanes without signaling

Him: Hey you didn't use your turn signal, you could've killed us!

Me: But I didn't, and that's what counts...

Him: No, it's the thought that counts, and I thought you were gonna' kill us

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrafferty
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
🚨︎ report
When your dad misses no opportunity for a joke

So, my dad could be considered a regular jokester. He had his dad jokes, his dirty jokes, clean but provocative joke, setup jokes, everything. He never missed a chance to turn something into a joke for hinself, even, and perpahs especially, if it only amused himself. I found out at an young age that no situation is too serious for him.

I was around 9 years old and I was in the cub scouts, and it was box car derby season. I was in the dining room, carving away at my block of wood when the blade in my right hand skipped the wood and carved my left thumb. It fucking hurt and bled like a sonofabitch. I immediately starting screaming and my dad raced into the room and found me covered in blood, my left hand now with two thumbs. We get it wrapped and he drives me to the emergency room. By the time we got there the bleeding had stopped and I have stopped crying. As we pull up, my dad looks st me, shakes his head and says "We can't go in there like this, we'll end up waiting forever to see a doctor. You need to cry once we're in there and that'll help" I said ok, and he said as we were walking up, "I'll give you a signal to start crying." How will i know, i asked him snd he just said i'll know. We go inside and walk up to the admittance desk. I'm short, so at the time my head just cleared the desk. My dad tells the nurse that we have a cut, and need to see a doctor right away. The nurse pushes paperwork at him and he tells her again, this time that its a real bad cut. The nurse finally looks at me for the first time and she frowns, because im relatively normal looking, even though im hurting and nervous, waiting for my dads signal. My dad pulls me back a bit and her eyes widen really big when she sees all the dried blood caked on the lower left side of my body. She starts getting excited and says "Ohmygoshohmygosh" over and over and this point im starting to get scared when my Dad, in a serious voice says "Its even worse than it looks! You're going to have to take the whole hand!"

Then I start crying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBossOfWhat
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2017
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
🚨︎ report
How can you tell if a bee is on the phone

You get a buzzy signal

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eisenhower_is_dad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you know what makes me cross?

When the signal changes to a man walking.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2018
🚨︎ report

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