Why are squashed grapes so sensitive?

They always let out a little wine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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Man, that burglar was so sensitive.

He takes things personally.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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What do you get when your sensitive and overly dramatic sister stubs her toe?

A crisis

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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"Time Sensitive Material"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brownijo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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More women should officiate sports.

They are so good at pointing out everything men do wrong already.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectOcoee
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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A new disease is sweeping the world. It's a type of nostril infection, very costly to test for

But one man, born with extra sensitive smelling, has been providing free exams to the public to eradicate this new threat. Dr. Theodore Nose of UCH Hospital has a long line of patients waiting every morning, wanting the incredible accuracy of this man.

And as his secretary says...

No one's nose knows noses like Nose's nose knows noses.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRichTookItAll
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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My wife wants me to be more sensitive. So I got her abacus beads for her birthday.

She said, β€œWhat the hell are these?”

I said, β€œIt’s the little things that count.”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
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Why can you never trust atoms?

They make up everything!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodChadAndUgly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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Bananas produce enough radiation to set off sensitive geiger counters.

That would mean a banana tree is a nuclear plant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFailureKing
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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Why are burglars so sensitive?

Because they take things personally.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/electric_leper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I switched to sensitive toothpaste, but I don't think it's working

I'm still an asshole

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrnitc
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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What do you call a group of sensitive water masses?

'Em Oceans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LemeeAdam
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Sensodyne is a popular toothpaste for sensitive teeth. I wanted to make a version for non-sensitive teeth.

I called it Nonsenseodyne.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shagminer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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Five years ago plastic surgery was a sensitive topic...

... but nowadays, when someone gets Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phatcat911
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What was Barney Rubble's sensitive ex-wife called?

Vulner.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/betchhxx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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My wife knows I can't directly drink from the cup due to my sensitive teeth, so when she presented our drinks, I look in her cup.

That was the last straw.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/n3rv0u5
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
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What's the most sensitive part of an orchestra?

The pianist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cornbread_curfew
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2016
🚨︎ report
I told my fiancΓ© that I have a sensitive tooth...

"I won't offend it then"

I think you could hear my eyes rolling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sendatu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife told me she planted a Mimosa pudica, aka the sensitive plant.

So I leaned in real close to it and whispered, "You're doing good, little guy. I believe in you."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garrettbtm22
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2017
🚨︎ report
The following depicts scenes of gratuitous heteronormative sexual acts

Sensitive viewers are advised to avert their gays

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Childhoodcocaine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend said her skin was sensitive

I said to her "maybe your skin should find a safe corner"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pillsanddiamonds
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Time sensitive dadjoke, pick your moment

Dad: "Hey let's go eat at that new restaurant over there"

Unsuspecting victim: "It's not new, the sign says 'Serving delicious food since 1923'"

Dad: "Yeah, that was only... dramatically looks at watch... 24 minutes ago!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chibolamoo
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2014
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Why did the person with sensitive hearing not like the imitation crow?

Because it sounded like a "Caw Caw Phony".

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hardwareweenie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
🚨︎ report
I'm getting my newborn son circumcised and the pediatrician said it was going to cost $167.

I told them "I hope that includes the tip."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/engineeringguy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2016
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Pops has always been the sensitive type.

Family was discussing how my brother's ex-girlfriend's grandmother is being transported to RI to be buried after passing away in Florida.

Me: Isn't it sorta weird... you know.. that there could be a dead person flying in a plane en route to Rhode Island.

Dad: No, not really. I'd say the guy she was sitting next to would be the only one a little creeped out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MichaelAnz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
🚨︎ report
I changed my password to β€œCareful Baggage Handler” for my login account.

It said it is supposed to be case sensitive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Told my daughter not to talk about the brakes on her car.

They’re really sensitive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toeknuckles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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I once met a guy who didn’t like getting coins back from transactions.

I guess he has a cent sensitivity.

FYI: I thought of this joke last night at work, so to me it’s OC but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else thought of it before me. Either way I figured I’d share it, if someone posted it before me feel free to link it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vipertho
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
So HBO is making a new show about Chernobyl...

Seems like a sensitive topic to make a tv show out of. Think they'll address the elephant's foot in the room?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ruchalus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report
To the bullied people out there

You are YOU, and nobody on this planet can change that other than yourself. So don’t let people get to you. (I say this because I get slightly bullied and also I’m sensitive to what people think of me, but after telling myself this I no longer feel the need to stress about people’s thoughts about me)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThomasTheDank69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I keep getting blisters

I’m a sensitive sole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hownottoplay
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Got banned from /r/pcmasterrace for heilping others out

My bad sense of humour got me banned from /r/pcmastterace.

I was discussing distance from monitors with another user and they replied with "just touching the monitor when I do a hitler pose." I got banned after I said I was happy to have heilped in any way that I canpf.

I should have guessed that pcmasterrace mods were very sensitive to any racist references, but I did nazi the ban coming.

https://www.reddit.com/r/pcmasterrace/comments/79853x/50_more_for_a_1440p_monitor/dp03xd6/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/navindian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Combined my first 2 joke sets into 1. Enjoy!

I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!

  1. As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
  2. Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
  3. Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
  4. I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
  5. Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
  6. My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
  7. I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
  8. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
  9. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
  10. The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
  11. I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
  12. I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
  13. I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
  14. If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
  15. I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADAToTheMoon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I like to claim that the Greek Orthodox secretly run the world through its financial networks…For some reason people are ok with that, try putting a different religion in there and suddenly you’re a conspiracy theorist and hate criminal

Those Catholics are real sensitive sometimes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
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I was golfing with my good buddies...

It was a foursome... Al, Jerry and Gerry. To ease confusion, we just call the (G)Jerry’s by the first letter of their name... so Jay and Gee.

Anyways, we were playing the other day and I could tell that someone was wearing cologne. Why on a golf course? I don’t know.

Now I’m kinda sensitive to odors and aromas and, sure enough, after a few holes, my eyes start to water and I start to sneeze.

I turn to Jay and say β€œI think I’m allergic to someone’s cologne”

Jay responds, β€œHmmm, I’m not wearing cologne, it must be Al or Gee’s”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/saulfineman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call dentures who are easily offended?

Sensitive teeth

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eleece
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad-joked at the dentist

Dentist: "So any new health problems I should know about?"

Me: "My gums have been pretty sensitive recently."

Dentist: "Okay, I'll try not to talk about them."

The dental assistant and I rolled our eyes and groaned at the same time, while my dentist kept laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ribs415
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2014
🚨︎ report
I switched to Sensitive toothpaste but I don’t think it’s working, I’m still an asshole.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elon_Muskmelon
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the sensitive burglar?

He takes things personally.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2015
🚨︎ report

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