Stop screwing around.

Not all construction work is equally enjoyable. For example, making a hole in rock is boring, but fastening metal together is riveting.

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📅︎ Oct 14 2021
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I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady ask me to check her balance, so I pushed her over

👍︎ 1k
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👤︎ u/gwforeman
📅︎ Aug 25 2021
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A very common male fantasy is to have 2 women at the same time.

One to cook and one to clean.

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👤︎ u/VERBERD
📅︎ Jan 20 2021
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Found on r/memes
👍︎ 51
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📅︎ Apr 22 2019
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Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

At a second hand shop.

👍︎ 5k
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👤︎ u/klwill1192
📅︎ Aug 16 2020
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what did the sea say to the shore

Nothing it just waved

👍︎ 13
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👤︎ u/kinker222
📅︎ Feb 21 2019
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A Spanish doctor recently coined a new term for people who are incapable of feeling empathy. You know what they call it?

Empanada

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📅︎ Jan 17 2019
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Saving Private Ryan
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👤︎ u/ouikipedia
📅︎ Sep 27 2015
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Your argument is like a naked banana

It simply lacks a peel

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📅︎ Jul 27 2017
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Don't rub avocado in your eyes.

You might get guacoma.

👍︎ 3k
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📅︎ Feb 16 2018
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My friend always prefers renting out his apartment to Chinese chefs.

They are usually lo mein tenants.

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📅︎ Jun 15 2018
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Alcoholic dad....At least our blood types match.
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👤︎ u/ga129
📅︎ Oct 15 2013
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Explaining how times have changed.

After getting nagged for swearing I say "Times have changed." My dad replies with "You're right, it's daylight savings."

👍︎ 97
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👤︎ u/Lenzler
📅︎ Nov 04 2013
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Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse!

👍︎ 7
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👤︎ u/Bunit5
📅︎ Oct 06 2017
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Did you hear Russia is having a closing down sale?

Everything Moscow

👍︎ 8
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📅︎ Apr 01 2016
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What do grades look like?

Mom talking to my brother: "What do your grades look like?"

Me: "Letters."

Hear dad laugh from the kitchen.

👍︎ 2k
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📅︎ Dec 04 2014
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