Salad Roll Puns

As it landed upon my foot, I exclaimed

I took a Tomato Tomato!!

Bloody Mary, Bulgogi

Fish Tacos

Corned beef, Crab Salad, Clams, Creamcicle

Fruit Roll-Ups

Jerked Beef

Kumquat

NutterButter

Red Hots

Pigs in Blanket, Pot Stickers, Pulled Pork

Spotted dick, Stuffed Peppers

Tuna Melt, Twizzlers

Virgin Margarita

Server: Would you like the soup or salad with your entree?

Dad: I don't want the super salad, I want the REGULAR one! (Proceeds to guffaw heartily until the server rolls his/her eyes and walks away)

Me: what is that in your salad, quinoa?

Wife: Some sort of ancient grain blend.

Me: I thought they only used fresh ingredients?

Wife: rolls eyes...

Little bit of context to start out. Had just dadjoked my wife mere seconds earlier about me being nervous to turn on the baby monitor since it is displaying c4 for channel 4 and the relation between explosives, what not etc. (you see where that was going)

Anyways, now that her guard is down (I don't think she was expecting a twofer) I pulled out this weird deli crab salad concoction she had just bought at the store, showed it to her and said with a look of disgust on my face, (she knows I don't like the stuff)

Me: "Seriously though, I just have one question for you."

Her: "I know you don't like the stuff I just got enough for me it was on a good sale!"

Me: "What the crab is this?"

Those precious few milliseconds where her expression transitions from confused to eye roll is my favorite part.

(Yes these jokes were all shamelessly planned)

Mom: making salad

Mom: Tom, could you please dress the salad?

Me: Casually?

Mom: weird look ...yes?

Me: Are shorts and a t-shirt okay?

Mom: eye rolling ensues