I remember when the kids used to tease me for my abilities as a tailor. I also had the same retort:

"Can sew! Can sew!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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I was on the bathroom scales, sucking my stomach in.

Thinking I was trying to weigh less with this manouver, my wife commented, "I don't think that's going to help !!"

"Sure it does " I retorted "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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So My girlfriend and I were joking around and like normal I told a bad joke which ended with me going β€œayyy” she responded β€œohhhh” I retorted β€œeeee,” then β€œeyyye.” She didn’t get it. Then I said β€œyouuu,”

All she could say was, β€œwhy?”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yup_Pup
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2017
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My three year old said to me, "I'm three years old." I replied, "Hi Three Years Old, I'm Dad."

He retorted, "Don't call me Three Years Old I'm Dad."

I have never been more proud.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cretinlung
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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A daughter asked her father, "Why are they called shoes?"

The father said it was a very old story about two inventors named Johnson and Hues. One day Hues was working feverishly on his latest project and talking to himself out loud. Unfortunately for Johnson, his project was not going well and Hues' constant chatter was getting on his last nerve. Suddenly, Hues lept from his chair in excitement and said "I finally did it!" "I finally invented a protective layer of apparel to be worn on the feet!" Johnson was a timid man that never attempted to stifle Hues' talking, but he was about to snap. At last, Hues cried out one last time to himself "...but what shall I call them?", to which Johnson finally retorted, "SSSSHHHH, Hues!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkangel_Ash
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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I was paying for my groceries at the store when I realized I was short a few pennies.

I asked the cashier if they had a take-a-penny leave-a-penny. They said "No", to which I retorted "that doesn't make any cents".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nitevid
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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Me: Stop playing with the toilet paper!

5-year-old: But it's toy-let paper!

That moment when the child retorts with the dad joke. πŸ˜†

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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The Viking Tale of Bran Rudolph the Red.

There are many tales that have come from Viking lore but few are as lost as the tale of Bran Rudolph the Red.

It was said that he was blessed by God's with a keen ability to predict the weather. Due to this magical gift, he became a renowned seaman. Feared by his enemies, and respected by his bannermen. After years of successful raids and conquests, one of his shield maidens finally plucked up the courage and asked him how he does it.

"Bran, how do you always predict the weather? How have you always, managed to avoid every storm the sea throws at you". All his men laughed and looked up at their leader. Before he could respond, his right-hand man stood up and with a smile on his face and retorted, " It's simple. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Birdman27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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Dad was in the kitchen cooking when he dropped this one.

He peeked around the corner and asked "Son, do you want an ankle meat sandwich?" to which I replied "A what?" to which he quickly retorted "You know, below-knee? (baloney)."

I don't think I have ever laughed so hard in my life.

Edit: I know the proper spelling is "bologna" but since I have seen both spellings used interchangeably and I know a lot of people DON'T know how to spell it, I used the improper spelling so more people would get the joke. Jeeze.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2014
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The news was showing a series of major fires all within close proximity to each other...

... my fiancΓ©e said "It's probably arson." I retort with "Our son would never do that!"

Its a wonder she's marrying me.

πŸ‘︎ 793
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πŸ‘€︎ u/She_Likes_Cloth
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
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My wife growled accusingly, β€œI’ve never seen you sweep or use the vacuum in my life!”

I retorted, β€œFloors are beneath me!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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Single?

I was looking at fitted sheets for my bed.

The salesperson walked up to me and said, "Single?"

I retorted by saying, "Nope. Married.".

And I laughed my way out of the store. I can genuinely feel him groaning.

πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RubberBandit__
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2015
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My 2 year old is watching Chitty Chitty bang bang for the second day in a row...

The MGM lion is doing his thing at the beginning and she says "oooh that's a scary tiger"

I quickly retorted, "that's a lion you know it!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
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Dad joke orbital strike from yesterday.

Christmas dinner, 2013. My mother in law is asked if she'd like some wine, is offered choices, Pinot Grigio, Mulled Apple or Cabernet. She's indecisive for a minute or so. Eventually, she settles on the apple wine. Her father comments, "well that sure took a long time."

I retorted with, "Well, she had to mull it over for a bit."

Simultaneously, 4 generations of women roll their eyes at me, while the guys all laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 279
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πŸ‘€︎ u/microseconds
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
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A blind man is getting a new eye..

The doctor asks him where he’d like it.

The blind man says, β€œIn my butt.”

β€œWhy would you want it there?” The doctor replied.

β€œHindsight is 20/20,” the blindman retorts.

~ Uncle Brian

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatmanlyreview
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
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My son ribbed me, "You know dad, even though you're getting up there, your hearing is still really good."

I retorted, "Well son, I guess you could say that I'm just deaf defying!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2018
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Had a cracking joke from recent family holiday to Grenada

My parents, girlfriend and I were walking around exploring one of the neighbouring islands when we saw a sign that said "youth recreational grounds" on it, but was just a field full of goats.

My dad exclaims "pretty sure these aren't the youths that the council had in mind"

And I retort "either way, I hear it's a great place to bring your kids"

...Cue groans

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WallytheWarlock
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2016
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My earbuds fell in a dogs turd.

So I'm just going to begin this story with myself coming home from school after a long day. My sister after doing everything around the house asked me if I could walk the dog. "Yeah sure! No problem." No problem. So I plug in my headphones and leave to take her for a walk. So I left the house and within 5 minutes my dog had sat down and refused to move until at least 10 people had passed for no real reason. She then proceeded to rear up on her hind legs and drop possibly the biggest crap pattie I had ever seen come out of this dog. Luckily for a change I have bags so no biggie, I pull one out, bend over and suddenly my music gets slightly quieter. Now, after a long day of studying and tests and whatnot I didn't really notice what had happened until I went to stand up and felt the slightest resistance in the cord, I look down only to see my earbud covered in dog crap. I had no choice but to un plug my headphones and abandon them like a wounded soldier in battle. Of corse I come home to see my dad and my sister sitting on the couch talking about their day only to see me walk in looking a bit angry. "Hey what's up with you?" My Sister asks, "Like why do you look so grumpy?" In my mood after this irritating mishap I can only grumble "I dropped my headphones in her turd" I reply, only for my dad to retort with "Hey, how about you stop listening to shitty music for a change!"

I hope you enjoyed the story of my struggle, he said this and all I could think of was posting this.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-dools
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2014
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Today I asked my professor what his first name was.

"Stephen," he replied.

"With a 'ph'?"

"No," he retorted, "with a Ph.D!"

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeCool888
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
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Overheard from a couple of middle schoolers that left me confused

#1: Hey, can you spell BMW?

#2: Uhh sure... BEW.

#1: BEW? Where'd you get the E from?

#2: From the middle.

Note: I have little to no background to this. From what I gathered, #1 was trolling and #2 decided to troll back with a quality dad retort.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kuebic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2017
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A Game of Thrones related groaner...

As I sat in the office lunchroom today, the topic of Game of Thrones came up, what with it's impending new season this Sunday. As we were discussing it, I mentioned that I couldn't hear a single bit of Swedish in Nickolaj Waldau's voice. My co-worker retorted that he could hear it quite a bit, and that I was perhaps accustomed to the accent, and thus tuning it out.

I replied, without quite thinking, that it was quite a Stark difference. There was silence between the six of us, followed by groans.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Downhill280Z
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2014
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My daughter made me a waffle out of Play Doh

I put a bit in my mouth and she though it was super gross. I said "I love the taste of clay" and she retorts back "dad, it's not clay, it's Play Doh". I turned to my wife, who was already shaking her head and said "that's mere child's clay".

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sethdare
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2016
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Waking up this morning...

I woke up and my wife was getting ready in the bathroom. She came back to bed and snuggled into me and all I could smell was hair spray.

I said, "That hair spray is a little intense."

She retorted, "You're intense!"

I replied, "Actually I'm in a bed."

*commence eye rolling *

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefountain88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2015
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My dad making fun of me for the time I broke rice

When you cook rice at too high a heat, it "breaks." This has followed me [female, btw] all my life as proof of my lack of cooking skills. One day, he was bringing this up, and the weekend before, I had made perfect scrambled eggs. So I retorted, "I can make eggs." To which he replied. "Yeah? But why are we talking about your reproductive system?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2016
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What did the vacuum say when the blow dryer took him to see a cheesy movie?

"This sucks."

What did the blow dryer say in retort?

"Blow me."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daveklok
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2014
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My dad literally just made a dad joke.

He was talking about my best planking times (because he likes to keep me athletic) while looking through a record of my planking times, and believed that I could have worked for a longer duration on one session.

I said, " Yeah, I just got bored."

He retorted, "You didn't get board, you got plank."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/falafelthe3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2015
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Got my girlfriend today

So we were doing laundry, specifically moving the wet clothes from the washer to the dryer and of course she complains about how much she hates doing laundry.

"God, I really hate doing laundry"

Without a second delay, I retort, "Yeah, it's a very dry task."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nate_of_88
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2014
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After telling this one I could hear the angels singing

My mom turns on the radio and we are immediately greeted with that boring sort of Christian music without any lyrics or discernible point in any way just sort of doodling around. Very similar to hold music. Annoying stuff.

Mom: "How do you like this Christian elevator music?"

Me: "...It's very..uplifting"


^After ^giving ^my ^retort ^she ^announced ^that ^that ^was ^"the ^worst" ^which ^I ^immediately ^took ^as ^"the ^best" ^coming ^from ^a ^mom.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jack-elda
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2014
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On a boat

I am visiting my parents, and today my dad and I went out sailing on the lake. We put the boat in, and then needed to tie it off to the dock while getting situated. My dad handed me a big tangled mess of rope, and suggested I untangle it and moor the boat with it. It was more tangled than any headphones I've seen. After a few moments I exclaimed in frustration, "who the hell put this rope away last?"
My dad quickly retorted, "I'm not sure, but they were certainly knoty."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brendanvista
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2014
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Oh God...

I was talking to my dad just now about the legend of St George. He said, jokingly, that the knight did slay a dragon and I retorted with.

"Yeah, and allegedly a rose bloomed out of its blood,"

His reply? "Yup, allegendly,"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/inguaz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2015
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GF's dad dropped this on me

Telling joke to gf when my girlfriends dad tells me to check my coat pocket I do and find a roll of TP Girlfriend's dad promptly retorts "I am on a roll."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bochekz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2014
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Dadjoked my mortician friend on the golf course.

He was talking about the busyness of his funeral home compared to others around the area to which I retorted, 'Well man you know what they say about the funeral business, people are just dying to get in there!'... He didn't laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajones321
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
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Got my partner at work with this zinger earlier

So we were driving up the highway and an 18 wheeler with a trailer full of ladders drives past. She says I wonder where it's going. Without skipping a beat I retorted with "high places"

Groans ensued.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnymoon5
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
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At a dinner party...

At a dinner party when the conversation turned to how my girlfriend's parents said that they weren't allowed to bring their baby to a certain hotel because of a company policy.

My dad retorted "You're not supposed to have babies in hotels. You're supposed to have them in hotels."

...He and I were the only ones laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Long-hair_Apathy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2013
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My dad at it again

We are driving around downtown Chicago and we spot a bride standing by the curb close to a bus. My dad's fiance says "that bride better not get hit by that bus". My dad retorts "if she did, it would be a sign from above".

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/comradexkcd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
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Dad finally had something to say about science.

We were talking at the dinner table, and my sister mentioned the ALS ice bucket challenges, stating I wouldn't have seen it as I don't use facebook. I retorted with that, had she ever paid attention in class, she would know that the world revolves around the sun, not facebook. Dad pipes up with:

Scientics watched the sun go around the world, and around, and around, and around, and they called it a day.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Furah
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2014
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My friend was wearing a shirt that said "End the NSA mass surveillance."

I asked, "Why do you care about the NSA monitoring church gatherings?"

He retorted, "Well, separation of church and state."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FX114
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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