I'm a first responder
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πŸ‘€︎ u/existenjoy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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What do first responders give to a citrus farmer after an accident?

Lemon Aid

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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My iphone is only responding to Shirley instead of Siri.

I forgot I left it in Airplane mode.

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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My wife texted me saying "Your great!". I responded, "No, you're great!" She said the text made her day when she got home.

I guess she really likes being corrected on her grammar.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ValkornDoA
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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No-one laughs when I respond to "How was the gym?" with

"Heavy."

It's like my jokes carry no weight.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Inarus06
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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True story: I sent my dad a picture of the loaf of bread I made witha bread machine. He instantly responded with :

I knead one of those!!

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LagartoDorado
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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To all the members of this subreddit, an open letter:

C

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baltinerdist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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Traveling with my nine year old, and he observed that our gate in Hartford was A6, and our gate in Baltimore is B6. I respond that it's raining so hard we'll take a boat home...

...then we'll be C6.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sunstoned1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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When Chris Hemsworth was cast by Marvel they gave him an exercise routine. When asked what he thought of it, he responded

I was Thor just thinking about it.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oppy1984
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"

Ay poppy

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thendofreason
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says β€œyou must be single” and I respond with β€œhow did you know?”

She responded, β€œ because you are ugly!”

πŸ‘︎ 208
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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Just got lowballed. $5 for my guitar. Best way to respond?
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotWilliam69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

You’d think it’d be R, but it be the C!

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arsenaldavis10
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Some students needed help calculating the number of food and drinks they'd need for a party. Their teacher responds...

"What's the equation? (occasion)"

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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It's the opposite day and my friend challenges me in tic tac toe. when it's his turn, he grabs the pencil by his foot. I ask him why and he responds:

"I'm playing the toe tactic"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aglaz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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A real life dad joke.

My wife was dishing out food. She put some salad on a plate and handed it to my daughter.

Then my wife looked at me and said, "Cesar Salad?"

I immediately grabbed my daughter's plate and pulled it out of her hands. My daughter got confused (maybe wondering if she did something wrong?). My wife asks me, "What the hell are you doing???"

I responded, "Sorry. Could have sworn you just said seize her salad."

πŸ‘︎ 410
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zamundan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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I’m telling my 5yr old about the wonderful world of literature and she says it sounds boring. I responded with

But... it’s lit! Hits the dad dab

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coloredboyadvance
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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A priest in a big church in Paris has a job interview with a new bell ringer. The priest asks β€œwhy should I hire you?” The applicant responded β€œI have a special talent!”

β€œOh, and what is this special talent?” Asked the priest.

The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.

At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!

β€œYou’re hired!!” He exclaimed.

The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.

The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.

A bystander asked β€œwho is he?”

The priest responded β€œI don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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Forbidden
πŸ‘︎ 695
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hustle_like_demon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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10 year old responded with great dad joke.

My husband asked me when would be a good time to schedule his dentist appointment. Before I could reply, our 10 year old daughter replied, "Tooth-hurty, of course."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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The guy running my town is awful. He doesn’t respond to phone calls because he only works after dark.

He’s a total night mayor.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word β€œthe” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...

your los.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rscott1691
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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Attila the Hun had a pet snake who refused to eat.

He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.

As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.

Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.

When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,

"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_wild_redditer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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So a frog walks into a bank

So a frog walks into a bank and he goes up to the person working there and sees her nametag that says Patricia Whack so he says "miss whack i would like a loan of fifty thousand dollars for my vacation"

Patty just looks at him in disbelief so the frog ccontinues on "its okay I'm Kermit Jagger my dad is Mick Jagger and he knows the bank manager"

Patty is confused so she just responds "okay but you will need collateral for the loan"

"This oughta do it" the frog says while pulling a tiny porcelain elephant out of his pocket

Patty is even more confused so she excuses herself to the back to talk to her manager

Patty says to her manager "there is a frog who wants a loan and he said his dad is Mick Jagger and he tried to give me this elephant what is this?"

The manager replies "its a knicknack Patty whack give that frog a loan his old mans a rolling stone"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacksminecraftdog
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, "Paper or plastic?" She responded, "It makes no difference to me. You choose." The bagger explained that he isn't allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.

I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.

πŸ‘︎ 626
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πŸ‘€︎ u/massivevivid
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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He's too tired to respond
πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ch1ckenat0r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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My Dad comes into my room looking really worried, I ask him what was wrong and if there was anything I could do to help, He responds by saying "I lost the book which had all the photos and message from my friends"

Knowing a slam book could not be replaced I tried consoling him, but I remembered digitalized it for him a year ago I quickly logged on to the PC to check if I had a backup. He quickly smiled and said it had a Blue cover, after about 10mins of searching I asked him if he remembered what I named the book. He burst out and said Facebook.

Frustrated I left the room to find my entire family sitting in the hall, and my mother goes "He did it to you too, didn't he"

And I'm here perplexed by the lengths a dad would go for his jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ancil5199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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A man approached me, touched my shirt and asked β€œis this felt?” To which I responded β€œno”.

He replied β€œit is now”.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoopyeet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Out-dadded by my 5 y/o niece

I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.

My niece chimes in and says, "not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."

Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes i do. One, two, three, four."

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redneckvet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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Scrooge awakens in the night to an apparition; he asks: β€œWho are you?” His dead gastroenterologist responds:

β€œI am the ghost of gasses passed.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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My wife insisted she has nudist genes

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S93C141
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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A mailman starts his first day on the job in Amsterdam.

He has to get to the other side of the canal but can't seem to find a bridge. On the other side he sees someone walking his dog. How do I get to the opposite side? He shouts. You already are the man responds.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lorenboy2001
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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Co-worker got a new drill and another co-worker responded, "Oh man, he's got a gun!"

The followed response, "Guys calm down, it's just a drill."

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LilPeabnut
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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How did Pakistan's Nobel Laureate physicist Abdus Salam respond to greetings?

Yes, that's me. Is that it?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madjholu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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A son enthusiastically asks his father will he teach him how to gamble on the black market

The Father responds with: β€œYou bet your ass!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geb69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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Dad jokes that you overuse in public that infuriate your partner?

So my partner probably wants to stab me more than i think. Almost every time she ask is me to β€œput the kettle on” I respond β€œI can’t, it won’t fit” or if we’re shopping and I’m asked β€œdo you need a bag” I point at her and say β€œit’s fine I brought my own” there are others, but they currently evade my 2am brain.

I feel I need some new ones to keep her on her toes and what better place than this sanctum of one liners (except for this post, for which I apologise).

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/batchyyyyy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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I was at a friends funeral and I said to the widow β€œdo you mind if I say a word?”

She said go ahead.

I stood up said β€œplethora” and sat back down.

β€œThank you”, the grieving widow responded, β€œit means a lot”

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jediwag
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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BREAKING NEWS: New York subway car breaks down after laptop explodes. When asked what happened, the NYPD responded:

A Dell set fire to the train

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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I asked my SO if she knew my favorite letter. She said "No, what is it?" I said "It's u." She responded "aww I love youuuuuuuu" To which I replied...

"I love u too. It's my favorite letter."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuckiDucki
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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So I used to own a rabbit farm.

You know I would raise these super cute fluffy bunnies!

People would always ask me how it was: was it relaxing, fun, nice, a bore etc...?

I would always respond that it was honestly terrifying, like really scary.

People in bewilderment would always say: "what? scary? how can that be??"

I would respond: "well, it was hare raising"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pilp147
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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Windmills

Two windmills near Palm Springs were chatting and the one turns to the other and asks:

β€œWhat music do you like?”

The other windmill thinks for a while and responds:

β€œI’m a metal fan”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tthrivi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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A pirate dad joke

A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg, asking β€œHow’d you get that?”

β€œAye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”

The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked β€œHow’d you get that?”

β€œAye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”

The sailor then pointed to the pirate’s eyepatch, again asking β€œHow’d you get that?”

β€œAye, a bird flew by and shat in me eye.”

The sailor responded with β€œThat’s not as impressive as the first two”.

β€œAye, it was me first day with me hook.”

πŸ‘︎ 164
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DelaneyElias
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?

Because I want to know

πŸ‘︎ 267
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thkoog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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