I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein published his Theory of Relativity.
It seems like just yesterday.
I’ve just received another rejection letter from a publisher regarding my autobiography.
That’s the story of my life
How do you enter the Publisher's Clearinghouse?
Scientists published a paper on grapes, consciousness and fruit rights.
It is basically all about raisin awareness.
I just published a book on how to prevent skin injuries and minor burns.
I was tasked to come up with a great pun for a new launch of Microsoft Office, I thought I’d come up with a great one.
But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.
As I thought, the publisher of my book called "Bio" wants me to change the name. It figures...
That's the story of my life.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" - Me: "I Excel at it." - Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
What's the definition of publish?
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
I was intending to publish a book about the Black Death
Until I was accused of plaguerism.
To the person who stole my Microsoft office licence ,I will find you
A friend of mine offered me a piece of a pizza made out of a magazine that's no longer published. Hesitant at first, it turned out to be tasty!
I offered to help publish a book of recipes for a local Indian food restaurant.
They made me sign a naan-disclosure agreement.
My local paper published an article about a gymnast who was dropped as a customer of our local bank.
She had outstanding balance.
If I ran a large department store, I would publish a huge catalogue of Christmas products and call it the "All I want for Christmas" issue.
And put Mariah Carey on the cover
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNQRSTUVWXYZ
If you came here looking for an OP, you got it.
I just published my first book of dad jokes...
... and dadicated it to my father.
Scientist publish sensational series of results from their habanero research
Referred to as the Red Hot Chili Papers
I just published a book on The Dangers of Overreacting.
If you guys don’t buy it, I’ll burn everything down.
A new book is published when..
.. an author has a novel idea.
Bill Nye has a daughter who doesn't believe in science.
Did you know that Stephen King's son is Joe?
I'm not joking but he is.
"I bought a self-published book from my friend that's truly awful," said my wife.
"That's mean," I replied. "I'm sure she's actually a nice person."
Y'all hear about the habitual liar who allegedly published a best-seller?
I found a recently published book by my favorite author, he’s been dead for years.
I have a feeling it was ghost written.
I wrote a book about the most comfortable ways to sleep in a coffin.
They wouldn't publish it though, the publisher said that the intended audience was a dead market.
So I wanted to publish my book on how to maximize storage usage in your kitchen.
But the publisher refused saying they could not publish illegal material. Stupid anti counter fitting laws.
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
I wrote a story about a mundane, not-so-hideous monster.
My publisher said it was a mediogre work.
Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt?
Well, he sure doesn't want to be spotted
My mate, Skippy, is a bit of a nerd. Just last night he spent 2 hours telling me about all the characters named Kang.
For instance, Kang the Conqueror is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. In 2009, Kang was ranked as IGN's 65th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time
or
In the Simpsons , Kang is a Rigellian from Rigel 7. He and his sister Kodos continuously try to take over Earth and are usually seen attacking Springfield.
Kang and Kodos have a lot of space weaponry at hand and have their own spaceship. They speak the Rigellian language, which, by coincidence, is identical to English. Although they look identical, Kang has a deeper voice than Kodos.
I guess you could say Skippy is a Kang Guru...
I didn't know this sub published a book!
http://i.imgur.com/8Ed5IPz.jpg
I applied to work at Microsoft...
I told them I Excelled in the Office and had a positive Outlook on life. I also try to be an Explorer of new ideas, and always keep my Word.
What do a lion, a witch, and a wardrobe have in common?
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Dad: Damn son, it’s about time!
Einstein to his Dad: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity just got published.
Dad: Nice, son. It is about time.
I can’t believe it’s been over a hundred years since Einstein’s Theory of Relativity was published.
It seems like just yesterday.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
Conversation with my boss
Boss: are you any good at PowerPoint?
Me: I Excel at it.
Boss: Is that a Microsoft joke?
Me: Word
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