Thank you for your cervix.
Because he was outstanding in his field......
I'm going to have a corner offish and everything!
I am now a counter-terrorism officer.
I went with "Your Own Personnel Jesus"
Me: "I've been getting better at biking with no hands"
Mum: "That's a handy skill"
Me: "Actually it's a no handy skill"
He really reigned on my parade.
You could say I’m stepping up in the world.
She brought a lot to the table.
"Nice" - the American guy said. Then the French guy replied:
"What does my hometown has to do with it?"
Because it was a liter.
I can't wait to put E.I.E.I.O. on my resume!
Their first product is 'My Hero Macadamia.'
Because he was outstanding in his field ⭐
Because it’s not Pop.
My boss was complaining she really needed a nap. I told her she should just go take one.
Boss "Oh yeah cause taking a nap right now would be so easy."
Me "Its so easy you can do it with your eyes closed..."
Cue her rolling her eyes and shaking her head. My director peaked his head out and nodded approvingly though. Respect.
Another season, another bad crop.
Though I guess that's just a generalization.
If you buy a roof, it’s on the house.
Those are the years you’re in your prime
I'm the CIEIO
He was out standing in his field.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
He ended up getting a chip on his shoulder
Suppose, you'd have to go the distance
I am now the CIEIO.
Someone whose career is in ruins
It turns out that the book was not what I expected at all.
They call him the ascending colon.
bring a gun and everything is free.
He didn’t make the cut!
They're Contraband
Everyone was taken aback.
I'm ad nauseous.
He's the new branch manager
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
“Offices are for squares” -friend
“That’s weird. Mine is one square. Four walls though” - me
Turns out, he's a pretty big dill.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡...They´re calling the plan ninten-dough
..”Why did you buy so many DVDs of the same movie?”
I shall leave no tern unstoned.
I was at work and saw my manager walking around with a clock.
I lick my lips,
My muscles tighten,
All I hear is my heartbeat.
My manager and I make eye contact. The words come out almost instantly:
"Looks like you've got a lot of time on your hands, sir."
He maintains eye contact for a second and walks away, but I could hear his soul groan.
Having dessert in Professor Snape's class? That's
Cake by the potion
Having dessert while moisturizing your skin?
Cake by the lotion
Having dessert in limine?
Cake by the motion (mine)
Having dessert along with kinetic force?
Cake by the motion (my daughter)
Having dessert while dividing it?
Cake by the quotient
Having dessert while you blow things up?
Cake by the explosion
Having dessert while you come up with an idea?
Cake by the notion
Having dessert while watching chaos?
Cake by the commotion
Having dessert next to someone who is getting a new job? Hopefully it's
Cake by the promotion
"No thanks I already know how to read"
I was being especially counter-productive.
I am so glad to get this promotion to become the chair man of the bored.
Because he was out-standing in his field
it would be a bohemian rap city.
Approached a middle aged couple and as I was handing the man some he gave me his best Al Bundy impression
Me: "Any allergies?" Man points to his wife "only to her"
"It's surely not my fault that you haven't been promoted."
So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasn’t much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this lad’s eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the family’s prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasn’t enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the “American dream” and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch
... keep reading on reddit ➡...I think to promote a brand of orange juice.
A little too proud of this one...
So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...
With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says “Just so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.
I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...
“Is your dog lookin at it?
Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”
I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and “that was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.
EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.
I just got promoted to spokesperson.
Are Nectarines Alo-peaches?
When we have special promotions, I can make a commercial on the radio that says "don't take this shale for granite!"
You'll likely be promoted into management.
Because then I'd be promoting hat groups.
It was promoted to kernel!
He was outstanding in his field!
Cause he was outstanding in his field.
Because he was outstanding in his field.
He was outstanding in the field.
He was outstanding in his field.
Because he was outstanding in his field
He was outstanding in his field.
He was out standing in his field
He was outstanding in his field.
I'm the new CIEIO
Because he was out standing in his field.
Why did the cow get a promotion?
She was outstanding in her field.
Because he was outstanding in his field.
He was outstanding in his field.
He was outstanding in his field.
It really grew on me.
It was outstanding in its field!
He was outstanding in his field!
He was Outstanding in his field!
He was out standing in his field
I'm taking a new job and moving to a new state. I throw out dad jokes whenever I can. I want to leave our work group chat with a great send off. What's your worst, but funniest dad joke?
Because he was out standing in his field.
>Me: Dad, I just got a new job and the only applicants were me, myself, and I.
>Dad: So you were the best candidate.
>Me: Well no, Me and Myself declined the job, so of course I took it.
I am to young to be a dad.
He was out standing in his field.
I wonder if he gets any leave time.
