I can't imagine how much money he must be shilling out.
Thank you for your cervix.
The reign in Spain stays mainly in the plane!
Hopefully they can learn to apply themselves.
He turned to me and said, "Parwiovradte."
What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.
Now he flies commercial.
A private tutor
A duck-tective!
The Private Investigator get's paid, and the stalker is pursuing his passion.
Because-a, it's-a diary-a.
He was a terrible private tooter.
Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
It was destruction of Private Proper Tea!
But my mum still owns the rest of the jacuzzi.
"I think that I prefer the name 'corporal', instead."
A clitical thinker.
The rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my wife.
Are part of the upper class
Yes, he left a pauper trail.
That fraction would have to be 8000001/2
Private Tutor
A briefcase
But it wasnβt stroganoff
After 25 years I had nothing to show-for it.
They are trying to stable-ize me.
Pyrex of the Caribbean
One day he sat on his green couch and turned on his green TV to watch a green western. And it was a great green western too.
When the green western was over, the green man turned the green TV off and decided to go for a nice relaxing green bath.
He left the green lounge, turned off the green lights and travelled along the green hall, up the green stairs and to the green bathroom.
In the green bathroom he turned on the green light and turned the green tap to make the green water fill up the green bath tub.
The green man got changed from his green clothes and was left in the green. He dipped his green toe in to the green water to check the temperature, then he slowly lowered his whole green self in to the green bath.
No sooner had his green bottom touched the base of the green tub then the green doorbell went. He heaved his green body out of the green tub and quickly wrapped a green towel around his green waist.
He went down the green stairs to the green door and opened it. Standing there in front of his green house was an elderly lady, she asked the directions to local train station. The green man forgot about the green towel situation and with the green hand that was on the green towel pointed in the direction of the trains.
In doing so he dropped his green towel to his green ankles, revealing his green privates. The elderly lady shrieked turned and ran across the road, where she was struck by a passing car.
And kids what's the moral of the story? . . . . . Don't cross the road while the green man's flashing
A privateer.
(It's one to hold on to for September 19th!)
Military barbers shave their privates
A set of quadruplets went in to the local doctor's office for their annual check up. Once they were finished, the doctor asked to speak with them all in his private office.
As the four of them; Jeb, Richard, Lee, and the eldest John Hickleford Jr. entered the room and took seats, the doctor shook his head. "I've got bad news and I've got good news boys" he said.
Jeb, the spokesman of the group, immediately said, "Well, tell us the bad news first, and then spring the good news on us."
"Alright," continued the doctor. "The bad news is that one of you only has six months to live. The good news is that the other three of you will live long, healthy lives."
All four boys sprang from their chairs, making incoherent noises of protest. After settling them down, Jeb turned to the doctor and solemnly asked: "Hick or Lee, Dick or me, Doc?"
Ardently
gum shoe
But I couldn't find one so I got an in-vest-a-gator instead.
I guess he just didn't have the patients for it.
... does this make me FE-male?
He went in all buns glazing.
"PRIVATE, DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE?" The private responds: "NO SIR! I came here yesterday!"
A private tutor.
He was a private tutor.
A young woman was rummaging through her grandmotherβs belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, Rick Astley appeared before her and said, βI will give you three wishes.β
She thought for a moment and said, βFor my first wish I would like to end world hunger.β βAn admirable request. Consider it granted!β Rick said.
βFor my second wish, I would like world peace.β βAh, this is a very difficult request, but it has been done. And for your final request?β
She thought for a moment and decided to make this a selfish wish. βAs a movie buff, I would like a copy of every movie in the world in my own private collection.β The genie a bit taken back . . . . paused and said, βThis I cannot do . . .β βWhy!?β The women exclaimed. β You can fix world hunger and end all wars, but you cannot complete this simple task?!β The Genie looked away and said, βI can, but your collection will not be complete . . . you see . . . Iβm never gunna give you Up!β
The Arrowplane
I couldn't get a reaction.
A wookie
When my girlfriend and I was climbing up several stories in an apartment to go to our spot to practice dancing, I complained that it'd be easier to just practice on the first floor.
Her: I don't want to, we'd get so many stares!
Me: We can't possibly get any more stairs than here.
I tell myself that she thinks I'm cool every time
"What do you call someone else's cheese? Nacho cheese!"
This elicited a few chuckles.
"Kay...So..."
I realised I was the only one who laughed at this.
A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...
He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success.
... keep reading on reddit β‘A private Tudor!
My 7 year old son told that joke this morning.
He wanted a pear for morning tea at school so I gave him one. This afternoon when I picked him up:
Me: "Tomorrow, do you want a pear for morning tea?"
7yo: "A pair of what?"
So proud right now.
The Popcorn Colonel
I don't remember what it's from, but I do remember that the scene involved a squad of soldiers with their sergeant coming across the enemy, and it went like this:
Sergeant: Fire at will!
Private: Uh, who's Will?
Sergeant: Just shoot, you idiot!
He became a loo-tenant...
Him: "It's private."
Me: "No, it's okay, you can tell me."
My best friend doesn't have much luck in his private life. His 1st wife left him and the 2nd one isn't going to.
I went to the bank, trembling with anticipation, got access to the box, took it into the private viewing room. I opened the box and looked in, there was an envelope in side, when I opened it, a folded piece of paper fell out. I read it, and it said: "Good things are ahead for you. Your lucky numbers are 6, 10 and 13."
What did members of the Politburo wear to keep cool in the summer?
A: Lenin suits
What did the Soviet General Secretary say when he slipped and fell on ice in front of the Kremlin?
A: That'll leave a Marx!
What did the Commissar say to the workers on the collective farm when they slacked off?
A: Stop Stalin and get to work!
What did the Chinese President say when he stubbed his toe?
A: Mao! That hurts!
An officer in the Iranian army is talking to a subordinate.
The officer says, "Private, I think it's gonna rain."
The private says, "You think so, sir? The sky is completely clear and the sun is shining."
20 minutes later it starts to rain, a total deluge ensues.
The private says, "That was an amazing prediction, sir!. It did rain!"
The officer looks at the private, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Private, Ayatollah you so."
My unit had a drill weekend and we were in the woods with only open toilets (no walls or stalls, just three toilet seats next to either.) After the second day one of the officers asked, "Is there a private shiter around here?" I responded with, "I haven't seen him but I'll look for him."
The man waits for a while and the doctor comes out to tell his findings. The doctor says, "Your wife did not have a heart attack. She just has acute angina."
Adjusting his hearing aid, the husband says, "Listen here young man, don't go talking about my wife's privates like that! I know she's cute down there!"
His family will be holding a private funfair necks monkey
It will be part carpentry, part private investigation.
I'll call it, I Saw That
She was a private tooter!
inclogneato
Candida alberticans He really grows on you.
A private tooter.
I'm relatively tall and growing up, my dad would occasionally ask me, "How tall are you now?" I, forgetting the repeated joke, would reply, "I'm 6'2" now." Every single time he would reply, "I didn't know they stacked shit that high," and laugh his ass off.
But the rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my mother.
She was a private tooter
A private tooter.
A private tutor
A private tutor!!! Ha!
A private tutor.
Since, she is a private tutor, of course.
She had to become a private tooter
A private toot-er
A private tutor
A private tutor
