My private pun collection
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 354
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Emotional_Plenty
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 29 2020
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The sergeant asked the private to 'stand up straight'.

The private said, "That's a tall order, sir."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/KnightmareRival
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 30 2021
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Iโ€™ve finally decided to shave my private area.

I need to stop beating around the bush.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 31
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/EliteCombatWombat
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 17 2021
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Iโ€™m not sure why people refer to womenโ€™s privates as a flower

All I see is two lips.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/densenuggets
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 23 2021
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How do you fix Beyoncรฉ's private plane

Put a wing on it

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/FranticFridge
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 15 2021
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The Norse god of mischief only had private birthday parties.

He kept things pretty low key.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 104
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/vbloke
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 04 2020
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TIL of Private First Class, Francis Liptonโ€” an American soldier in the Revolutionary war. Who invented a delicious new beverage while fighting at Valley Forge.

It was the first known casual tea of war.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Shaw-Deez
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 03 2020
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Why did the Army private's ghost possess an Officer?

He wanted to appear in Corporeal form!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/CognitiveNerd1701
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 14 2020
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I have been asking around what the lowest rank in the Army is, but no one would tell me.

Apparently it is private.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 166
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/AncientPhoenix98
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 27 2021
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Sorry, my confile is in private
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/nikintp
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 11 2020
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My British friend has started getting his son private tutoring

I can't imagine how much money he must be shilling out.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/creeper321448
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 01 2020
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Due to COVID, the King of Spain is in quarantine primarily aboard his private jet.

The reign in Spain stays mainly in the plane!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/andersonfmly
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 01 2020
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What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?

Thank you for your cervix.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/saxtrav
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 23 2020
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Iโ€™m thinking about sending my mailing labels to private school.

Hopefully they can learn to apply themselves.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Plausibl3
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 15 2020
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Why did the teacher never fart in public?

He was a private tutor.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 110
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/BinBender
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 19 2020
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A comic series my friend is making about a mustachioed private detective, Jim Velvet and his bumbling partner Humphrey
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/rezikmon
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 27 2020
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My brother has a pilot's licence but only for private flights. So, he put ads all over his plane.

Now he flies commercial.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/wolfyfancylads
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 10 2020
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I've been getting into a lot of trouble at school recently, so my dad asked to have a word in private

He turned to me and said, "Parwiovradte."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/LastProtagonist
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 23 2020
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I met a woman once at a party celebrating my father's 50th birthday.

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/A__Wild__Goose
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 08 2021
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A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR

What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 99
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/CalmerThanYouAre_716
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 22 2020
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What would you call Donald Duck if he became a private investigator?

A duck-tective!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/NikitaSultoo
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 17 2019
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What do you call someone who doesnโ€™t fart in public?

A private tutor

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/SonOfAnOptometrist
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 03 2020
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What's the difference between a Stalker and a Private Investigator?

The Private Investigator get's paid, and the stalker is pursuing his passion.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/MaskedForGas
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 22 2019
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What do you call a doctor that does yearly checkups?

A private investigator.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/awesomecraigs
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 30 2020
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Can any body help me?

Can anyone help? Thereโ€™s a bloke in this subreddit who calls himself Buster and heโ€™s driving me mad with constant private messages. Day after day he sends me youtube videos of 70โ€™s glam rockers The Sweet. Does anyone know the way, there's got to be a way to block Buster.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/shady7977
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 14 2020
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Kill Bill
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/shu-chi-senpai
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 30 2019
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My son has a teacher who never farts in front of the class

Sheโ€™s a private tooter

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 67
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Survived2020Panthers
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 06 2020
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Phone rings.......Dad: What does the Caller ID say?......Son: It says Private Caller......

Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 226
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/2donutkid2
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 12 2019
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A guy was stopped by security

Sir this is a private subdivision.

I'm just passing through.

What's that in the bag?

Oh, these are bonsia plants.

What's a bonsai plant?

They're small trees. See?

Sorry, I can't let you through.

Why?

NO TREES PASSING.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/lurens_b
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 09 2020
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The privates park
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/th3chad
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 02 2019
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I got my own private jet

The rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my wife.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 685
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/XiKiilzziX
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 28 2014
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Why does Mario like to write privately, in a bathroom?

Because-a, it's-a diary-a.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/CSwork1
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 16 2019
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The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because theyโ€™ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his โ€œpromposalโ€ special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that sheโ€™s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, heโ€™s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesnโ€™t return his feelings? What if she thinks heโ€™s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and heโ€™s even more anxious. Itโ€™s dark, itโ€™s loud, itโ€™s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks itโ€™s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying sheโ€™s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if sheโ€™d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like heโ€™s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesnโ€™t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/MrsBunnyPants26
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 30 2020
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If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/WilsonHanks
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 10 2015
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I do have my own private jet

But my mum still owns the rest of the jacuzzi.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DadofTamzin
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 25 2019
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Wife: "Let's keep her name private until she's born."

"I think that I prefer the name 'corporal', instead."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/vogon_lyricist
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 20 2018
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Private I
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 272
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/GentlemanJorge
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 18 2017
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Sketchy af
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/TuxedoGremlin
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 17 2019
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What do you call a girl who thinks with her private parts?

A clitical thinker.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PeerkeGerard
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 12 2019
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Booty and the Beast
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 32
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ochipapo
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 05 2020
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Seniors in private schools

Are part of the upper class

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/hdeifh
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 23 2019
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Saving Private Ryan
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 195
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ouikipedia
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 27 2015
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What does a private investigator call a short investigation?

A briefcase

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 147
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/up_with_the_maymays
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 27 2016
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As a private investigator, I'm pursuing a con man by tracing his stream of impoverished victims...

Yes, he left a pauper trail.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 07 2019
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With only a fraction of my wealth I could buy a private jet

That fraction would have to be 8000001/2

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Kepiman
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 09 2018
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I have my own private jet

But the rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my mother.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Deeman_27
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 24 2018
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