My private pun collection
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emotional_Plenty
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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What do you call a lady's private parts made from sugar, butter and chocolate?

A Fudgina.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darcys_beard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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Private Ryan.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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The sergeant asked the private to 'stand up straight'.

The private said, "That's a tall order, sir."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnightmareRival
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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I’m not sure why people refer to women’s privates as a flower

All I see is two lips.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/densenuggets
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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I’ve finally decided to shave my private area.

I need to stop beating around the bush.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EliteCombatWombat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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The Norse god of mischief only had private birthday parties.

He kept things pretty low key.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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How do you fix BeyoncΓ©'s private plane

Put a wing on it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FranticFridge
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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Why did the Army private's ghost possess an Officer?

He wanted to appear in Corporeal form!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Sorry, my confile is in private
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikintp
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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My British friend has started getting his son private tutoring

I can't imagine how much money he must be shilling out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/creeper321448
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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Due to COVID, the King of Spain is in quarantine primarily aboard his private jet.

The reign in Spain stays mainly in the plane!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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I’m thinking about sending my mailing labels to private school.

Hopefully they can learn to apply themselves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plausibl3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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A comic series my friend is making about a mustachioed private detective, Jim Velvet and his bumbling partner Humphrey
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rezikmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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My brother has a pilot's licence but only for private flights. So, he put ads all over his plane.

Now he flies commercial.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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I've been getting into a lot of trouble at school recently, so my dad asked to have a word in private

He turned to me and said, "Parwiovradte."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LastProtagonist
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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What would you call Donald Duck if he became a private investigator?

A duck-tective!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NikitaSultoo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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What's the difference between a Stalker and a Private Investigator?

The Private Investigator get's paid, and the stalker is pursuing his passion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaskedForGas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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I got my own private jet

The rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my wife.

πŸ‘︎ 681
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XiKiilzziX
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2014
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Phone rings.......Dad: What does the Caller ID say?......Son: It says Private Caller......

Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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The privates park
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πŸ‘€︎ u/th3chad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WilsonHanks
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2015
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Private I
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GentlemanJorge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2017
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Wife: "Let's keep her name private until she's born."

"I think that I prefer the name 'corporal', instead."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vogon_lyricist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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I do have my own private jet

But my mum still owns the rest of the jacuzzi.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DadofTamzin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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What do you call a girl who thinks with her private parts?

A clitical thinker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeerkeGerard
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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Saving Private Ryan
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ouikipedia
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2015
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Seniors in private schools

Are part of the upper class

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hdeifh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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What does a private investigator call a short investigation?

A briefcase

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2016
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As a private investigator, I'm pursuing a con man by tracing his stream of impoverished victims...

Yes, he left a pauper trail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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With only a fraction of my wealth I could buy a private jet

That fraction would have to be 8000001/2

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kepiman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
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I quit my job as a private driver today

After 25 years I had nothing to show-for it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordTrollsworth
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
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The doctors have moved me from a private room, to a stall with hay and water.

They are trying to stable-ize me.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
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My private part is as hard as iron today...

... does this make me FE-male?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KinglyLion
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
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If a private investigator is called a private eye, what do you call a pirate investigator?

A privateer.
(It's one to hold on to for September 19th!)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NobodyWhatsoever
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
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A sergeant of the Australian army yells at a private....

"PRIVATE, DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE?" The private responds: "NO SIR! I came here yesterday!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/question87
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2014
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My doctor shut down his private practice...

I guess he just didn't have the patients for it.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnysway
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2017
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I tried to hire a crocodile private eye wearing a sleeveless jacket.

But I couldn't find one so I got an in-vest-a-gator instead.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2017
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Why was the private detective obsessed with tracking litterers?

gum shoe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EaterOfSound
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
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As an American army private during WWII, how did my great-uncle fight in the Battle of the Bulge...

Ardently

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
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What does Oliver Queen call his private jet?

The Arrowplane

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2016
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When I was heading to a private place to dance

When my girlfriend and I was climbing up several stories in an apartment to go to our spot to practice dancing, I complained that it'd be easier to just practice on the first floor.

Her: I don't want to, we'd get so many stares!

Me: We can't possibly get any more stairs than here.

I tell myself that she thinks I'm cool every time

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hawaianhamster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2015
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The instructor of an IT course I took at a private college told this one.

"What do you call someone else's cheese? Nacho cheese!"

This elicited a few chuckles.

"Kay...So..."

I realised I was the only one who laughed at this.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MagicBandAid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
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I have my own private jet

But the rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my mother.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deeman_27
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2018
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