True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
A large oil company has announced that it is going to start producing fuel from insect urine.
Company password
During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacremento"
When asked why they had such a long password, the employee rolled their eyes and said "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital!"
I signed up for my company’s 401k
But I’m nervous because I’ve never ran that far before.
My parents always pushed me to get a big job. So i worked at a soda company just to sprite them.
When company uses a pun on their product, I’m sold.
Is there a company that’ll deliver food to your old girlfriend?
Did you hear about the company that decided to produce those Halloween-themed mints?
They said it's a scare tictac
So I've decided to start a new company that sells fans
I went to the hardware store with a friend and the store had pallets of soil, seed, and fertilizer out front. We both stopped and looked at one of the pallets stacked high with bags of dried steer manure. The sign said, "Strict limit 2 per customer."
My friend looked at me and said, "I guess there's only so much shit you can take."
True story.
Welcoming our new company president, everyone danced the Bossa Nova.
I work as a quality inspector at a plastic food wrap company
The Heinz company came out with a pair of eyeglasses.
They claim it will make your vision 57/57
- I once got fired from a canned juice company.
- I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.
I recently bought 51% of a Vampire hunting company...
I'm the main stake holder.
My buddy was promoted to quality inspector for the Canada Goose Jacket Company. He doesn't like it very much though...
...lately, he's been feeling down.
What do you call a security company run by detectives?
Delighted to say I've finally got a new job installing mirrors!
Nothing fancy, but was something I could always see myself doing.
At least he won't turn over in his grave.
Have you heard about the vacuum company's new CEO?
They hired him because of his good business Vacuumen.
My friend owns a home siding company with a shady business practice.
The sergeant asked the private to 'stand up straight'.
The private said, "That's a tall order, sir."
What do you call a lady's private parts made from sugar, butter and chocolate?
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
A company with travelling salespeople had an accounting procedure...
There with a company with a lot of travelling salespeople, and they had an accounting procedure that was somewhat unusual. Since the salespeople were driving around a lot, they had to pay a lot of highway tolls. They would get reimbursed for this. Since these expenses were so common, and different from other expenses, they had a series of ceramic tiles that represented the amount of money they paid to take these highways. At the end of the day, after travelling their routes, they would come back and put them in the cash register and take money out to reimburse themselves. But the highways all raised their rates, and so the salespeople would come back with hands full of their tiles. So one Friday, after raised rates and very busy travel, the boss came in to look at the receptionist and her overloaded cash register. He asked her what was going on, and she said:
"The tall tiles in the till tell a tale of tall tolls"
My daughter said she wanted to work for a company that had a great culture.
I tried gluing my company's HR policies to myself, but they wouldn't stick...
I guess the rules don't apply to me.
What company does an anti vax chef work for?
It shares border with more states than any other. Missouri loves company.
Jay-Z has invested in a digital security company.
He's got ninety-nine problems but a breach ain't one.
I proposed to my girlfriend, who is the VP of marketing at her company.
I’m not sure why people refer to women’s privates as a flower
The Norse god of mischief only had private birthday parties.
He kept things pretty low key.
I've had it with speed limits...
I'm putting my foot down.
I work as a quality control specialist for my local toothpaste company
every tube so far has been in mint condition
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
What kinds of countries do soft drink companies make?
Our Tea Company only allows men in the quality control department. It is a requirement,
My job application was rejected by a juice company...
I shouldn’t have mentioned my solid experience.
How do you fix Beyoncé's private plane
A large oil company has announced that it is going to start producing fuel from insect urine.
I recently bought 51% of a Vampire hunting company.
I'm the main stake holder.
I recently bought 51% of a Vampire hunting company....
I am now the main stake holder.
Just signed up for my company’s 401k!
I’m kinda nervous though...I’ve never ran that far before.
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