Me: who
I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans
Edit: there->their
Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!
Me: possession IS 9/10 of the law
Child: Iβm hungry and I want a toy and Iβm not going to nap today and-
Demon: π¦π° π¦π± ππ©π΄ππΆπ° π©π¦π¨π’ π±π₯π¦π°?
Me: itβs legally your problem now
They said he was carrying weapons of math instruction, and was a member of the Alge-bra movement.
Spook-key
But he did write a book titled "Mine Cough".
I could use some exorcise.
Iβm sure itβs saucer βEβ.
In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway...
Remember, never tell anyone your soulcial security number
Son: Who?
Dad: mhmm guess we found out.
The police officer asks the man, βSir, why do you have so many cardboard boxes in your trunk?β The man then replies, βIβm sorry officer, but Iβm packing.β
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorβs love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevorsβs degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevorβs front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnβt keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
βWellβ said Jeff, βAs Iβm sure you know the convention comes to town laterβ.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
βYes of courseβ replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit β‘After all, possession is 9/10ths of the law.
A polter-goose
Who?
That's the thing we-
The executioner. He was always stoning people.
I love it. Itβs my prise possession.
So I came out to my family about 2 weeks ago using a meme as genderfluid and sent it to the family group chat. The moment my dad saw it the holy god of dad jokes must of possessed him and he typed into the group chat, βSo itβs not a drink?β
small arms
Arrested for possession.
It's based on achoo story.
It'll make your head spin.
No matter what, he wouldn't let his Ringo
It was tired of being a nobody.
He was done for possession of coke.
So her demons would exercise themselves.
It was charged with possession of crack.
At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.
One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.
The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.
The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.
In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.
A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.
The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.
After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.
The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."
The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"
"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."
Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.
"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.
"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"
"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"
Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumΓ© I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."
That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"
Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"
"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."
Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.
He told me theyβre possessed.
They show possession.
Me: "Hmm, I wish I could pull off her short hair, I never could"
Him: "Aw, I'm sure you could. I'll hold her down while you yank it out"
Didn't see that coming.
Edit: thanks guys I didn't realise fiance/e has genders.
I was charged with unlawful possession of a firearm.
They're too possessive!
For illegal possession of quack.
They get repossessed
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Elvis Possessedly
Lake Erie.
Got quite a few groans I was pretty proud of today!
We were talking about hiring a new manager for a field team, and it turned out the guy we liked the most had several felony convictions for gun possession.
COO: I'm not sure we can take the risk, despite his valuable experience.
Me: Well guys, at least we know he'll stick to his guns.
I'll make a very good dad one day.
The last one was too possessive.
They charged him with possession of crack cocaine.
It was charged with possession.
I don't know, something just possessed me to do so.
A man carrying a ruler, a protractor, and a calculator was arrested tonight for being in possession of instruments of math instruction.
He told me we needed to clean out the toaster because "it was smoking."
I gasped - "It's not 18 yet!"
Today at work a different FedEx delivery dude shows up, makes the "dude you got a Dell!" reference (since he was delivering a computer) and then proceeds to say how we don't see those commercials anymore because the actor was jailed for marijuana possession. Everyone heard it wrong and thought our normal guy was in jail, to which my boss replies, "Weed? I thought that was a Gateway drug!"
While carrying a friend's mirror today:
Me: "Is this mirror possessed?"
Friend: "Huh?"
Me: "There's a handsome devil in it!"
Because possession is nine tenths of the law.
[This] (https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/nPA7hPnGRA8UX51bI1loQgdbXnTS5PnXzfgUNY4Z2oc=w669-h895-no) seems to happen whenever my dad is in possession of a clipboard. Today he actually left the building until someone noticed his 'message'...
Me and my friends were talking about religions that don't have "possession" (I don't know if that's the right word for it) of sacred lands.
> Friend: Yeah the Buddhists would really like Tibet back too.
> Me: Wait, I thought it was against their moral code to gamble?
Groans were heard all around.
He'd been taking over people's bodies and making them smuggle crack across the border.
He's being charged with possession.
Son: who?
Me: found it!
Friend: who? Me: [narrows eyes]
So many ours.
They're too possessive.
For possession of quack and fowl play
...the last one was too possessive.
