Not many people know that Hitler had a twin brother. He was a recluse because he was very possessive and a hypochondriac.

But he did write a book titled "Mine Cough".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/strykerx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Possessive apostrophes
πŸ‘︎ 514
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitGuySentMe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2017
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I never knew how possessive Time was.

So many ours.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2017
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What happened when the chicken became possessed?

It became a poultrygeist and laid deviled eggs. They had to bring in a priest for an eggsorcism.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SchitzPopinov719
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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Why did the Army private's ghost possess an Officer?

He wanted to appear in Corporeal form!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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My son was just arrested for possession of weed.

I told him to cut the grass not keep it in his pockets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyCrossXD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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Friend: someone here is possessed by a owl

Me: who

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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My wife insisted she has nudist genes

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/S93C141
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Demon [possessing my child]: 𝔱π”₯𝔒 𝔠π”₯𝔦𝔩𝔑 𝔦𝔰 π”ͺ𝔦𝔫𝔒

Me: possession IS 9/10 of the law

Child: I’m hungry and I want a toy and I’m not going to nap today and-

Demon: 𝔦𝔰 𝔦𝔱 π”žπ”©π”΄π”žπ”Άπ”° 𝔩𝔦𝔨𝔒 𝔱π”₯𝔦𝔰?

Me: it’s legally your problem now

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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The TSA detained a passenger in possession of a slide rule, compass and calculator...

They said he was carrying weapons of math instruction, and was a member of the Alge-bra movement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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What do you call a skeleton key possessed by a ghost?

Spook-key

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnnoyingAzathoth
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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Why did the ghost soccer team win all their games?

They were amazing at possessing the ball.

*My son's joke. I'm so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 727
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArcticTrek
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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I’m out of shape because I was possessed by a lazy ghost.

I could use some exorcise.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.

I’m sure it’s saucer β€˜E’.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yetanotherrob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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I had a date with a demon last night...

But I’m not really into the possessive type.

(My brotherβ€˜s joke not mine)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnnyXorron
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession...

In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway...

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
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Why do exorcists never sue ghosts?

Because possession is 9/10ths of the law.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Therapy_Gecko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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4 prisoners are telling each other what they were convicted for

The First man says: I committed 2nd degree murder

The Second says: I committed: 1st degree assault

The Third says: I committed 1st degree possession of drugs

The Fourth man simply says: Arson

The Second man asks him: What degree was it?

The Fourth man responds: I'm not sure, it was pretty hot though. About 525 Celsius-ish

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsectNation1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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Dad: someone here is possessed by an Owl.

Son: Who?

Dad: mhmm guess we found out.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snerlord
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Demonic possession is just hacking someone's irl account

Remember, never tell anyone your soulcial security number

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evanlyn_Winter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a possessed bird?

A polter-goose

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilxamuel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A police officer pulls over a man out of suspicion of drug possession. The officer looks in the man’s trunk, only to find a bunch of cardboard boxes.

The police officer asks the man, β€œSir, why do you have so many cardboard boxes in your trunk?” The man then replies, β€œI’m sorry officer, but I’m packing.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BredSolid
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I know someone possessed by an owl

Friend: who? Me: [narrows eyes]

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelveyrocks
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone here is possessed by an owl

Who?

That's the thing we-

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaskedForGas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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Who was arrested for weed possession during the Black Death?

The executioner. He was always stoning people.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ballsticseal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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There's a new horror film out about a man that possessed people by sneezing.

It's based on achoo story.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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There is so much information out there about demonic possession.

It'll make your head spin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ridley_Himself
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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Did you hear about the guy from The Beatles that got a divorce but couldn't throw out one prized possession?

No matter what, he wouldn't let his Ringo

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Demonic possession.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DawnOfArkham
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2017
🚨︎ report
The U. S. Government legally believes in demons.

After all, possession is 9/10ths of the law.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madkins007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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My kids bought me a crowbar for my birthday

I love it. It’s my prise possession.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sluggieoz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a military shipment full of t rexes?

small arms

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Major_Cupcake
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the ghost possess a celebrity?

It was tired of being a nobody.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2016
🚨︎ report
What happened to the crack-dealing demon?

Arrested for possession.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheesusHChrust
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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So it’s not a drink?

So I came out to my family about 2 weeks ago using a meme as genderfluid and sent it to the family group chat. The moment my dad saw it the holy god of dad jokes must of possessed him and he typed into the group chat, β€œSo it’s not a drink?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DemonsOfKhorne
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Why did the lazy priest buy a treadmill for his demonically possessed niece?

So her demons would exercise themselves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rabidbunnygopoop
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2016
🚨︎ report
I got into an argument about apostrophes, I don't know what possessed me to do that.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justhereforhides
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2014
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Did you hear about the ghost that was arrested for inhabiting a bottle of cola?

He was done for possession of coke.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a comment about an actresses short hair to my fiancΓ©e

Me: "Hmm, I wish I could pull off her short hair, I never could"
Him: "Aw, I'm sure you could. I'll hold her down while you yank it out"
Didn't see that coming.

Edit: thanks guys I didn't realise fiance/e has genders.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lunadoll
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2015
🚨︎ report
Like a demonic possession, this joke took a hold of me this morning and would not let go. I'm sorry.

The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"

"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."

Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.

"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.

"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"

"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"

Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumΓ© I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."

That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"

Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"

"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."

Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Larny-Arny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
🚨︎ report
A ghost was arrested for haunting someone’s butt.

It was charged with possession of crack.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.

One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.

The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.

The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.

In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.

A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.

The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.

After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.

The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Never date an apostrophe.

They're too possessive.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imabookwyrm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....

He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/david7494
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
One of us is possessed by an owl

Son: who?

Me: found it!

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why should you never date an apostrophe?

They're too possessive!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report

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