Me: "Hi confused, I'm Mom"
Twister
They were graphing a helix all along.
I halve to know
Family friend to me: That's why I like your dad so much. He's frank. Me: No, no, he's PATRICK.
I think she’s in love with me.
It was quite the Plot Twist
Yell “My money’s on the one with the knife!”
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it...
Being ugly every day sucks.
A: A Caaaaaa! (The sound a crow makes.)
[removed]
My dad Gary responded:
"Thanks man, but I wasn't even running. I was walking."
Edit: Woah, this blew up more than I expected. Thanks, guys. I'll make sure to thank my dad for the fake internet points for a joke that made me groan. He's gonna love it.
Son: "Wow really? I'd never have guessed!".
Dad: "Im glad you're taking this so well".
Son: "Well I did have my suspicions".
Dad: "yes yes, anyway go pack your bags, your new parents will be here in 10 minutes".
Scene: Bf was getting ready for a skate session and discovered a tiny pocket in the back on the waistband of his shorts intended for keys.
Me: Don't put your keys there, you might fall and get stabbed in the kidneys.
Bf: It's cool, I still have two adult knees.
Me: Oh my god.
A horse walked into a bar, the barman said "Hey" the horse replied "Sure"
Me: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
SO: (a moment passes, and happy tears form in his eyes) "Hi, pregnant, I'm Dad."
Waitress: "You guys look like you're slowing down, should I start wrapping?"
Me: "Sure I'll drop a beat"
Everyone at the table just pretended like they didn't hear it except for her grandfather who laughed.
I told her I thought that was the pilot's job.
I said it was because I thought it would be pretty hot
No? That's because it hasn't come out yet.
When I was about seven, my dad came running into my bedroom and manically filing through my sock drawer. I asked him what he was doing and he said "Well, it seems all of my socks have holes in them!!" I quickly jumped up and started joining him, checking for holes in my socks. "Do you think it's mice, dad? Chewing your socks!?" I asked And he turned his head slowly, smiling and said "well... if my socks didn't have holes in them, I wouldn't be able to get my feet in..."
Fuck you dad. I love you.
My son had just been born, I'm talking freshly cut cord. My mother comes in to see him and notices a bottle of baby shampoo on the table.
"Ooh is that Baby Magic," she asks.
"Nah, he's just an ordinary baby."
Then I realized I was a real dad.
"I'm gonna get the mail. There might be some femail in there too"
... that's a plot twist.
My wife is pregnant and one of the big things to prepare for labor and birth is relaxation and massage. She's always saying "rub me, please", or "do you want to rub me?"
I'll always tell her "I do rub you, I rub you a rot."
Oh, to dadjoke the master…
http://i.imgur.com/UuF3Vp7.jpg
So as a kid I would sometimes misplace items and ask for help looking for them. When dad would locate the item and hand it over he would say " lets just use this until we find the real one". I admit to using that one on more than one occasion at work as an adult now.
My son and I were just now driving home from visiting his grandmother with the radio somewhat cranked up.
Son: "Dad, what's your jam?" Me: "I am not really sure, I like many different kinds of music. What's your jam son?" Son: "Grape..... Grape jam."
I recently posted a picture of a peaceful looking, meditating waldo with a title that reads "Plot twist. Waldo finds himself". My uncle replied with the awesome pun: "Waldo is my "om" boy!"
I need a pun to compete! Thanks for any help.
Have you heard the joke about the burial site that had to be turned 45 degrees?
There's a plot twist, but no punch line.
