I got a girlfriend by pretending that I play football. My friends don't think it's going to last but I don't worry.

She thinks that I'm a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 107
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elasmotheriums
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to play the piano by ear...

But now I just use my hands.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moonpies4everyone
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
A play by Shaquille O’Neal helped physicists discover a new phenomenon

They called it Shaqwave.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Real_Tohsaka
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a big cat that doesn't play by the rules?

A cheetah!

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eat-rainbows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
They say the best way to learn piano is to play by ear.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Iocaine_powder
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A play-by-play of my dad's savage

My brothers and I went to see dad at work

Dad: *Sees us from a distance* Did you bring me a snack?

Me, an idiot: I'm right here lol.

Dad: I wanted something healthy.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My actual dad reading the newspaper out loud "learn to play piano by ear!"

Then he mutters under his breath "I'd rather use my fingers"

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattc_guitar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I met a girl who can play a wooden instrument developed by indigenous Australians.

I dig her, I do.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coop0606
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead...

Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...

πŸ‘︎ 669
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
🚨︎ report
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet

He was a Tudor tooter tutor.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChargingTiger
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I just had two colleagues play "Bicycle Race" by Queen at the same time.

I told them it was nice to hear them working in tandem with each other.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/odd_gamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I didn't really know how to play Texas Hold Em but luckily my friend was by my side to assist with raising and calling...

He was aiding and a-betting!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I was warned by my music teacher never to play the drums again.

He said that if I did, there will be repercussions.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I always wanted to name my kid Thustorm, and teach him to play hockey well enough to get him scouted by Boston...

...then I could say "Thustorm's a Bruin."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/asphaltdragon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an average potato who tells you the play-by-play action in sports?

Commentator.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Octopusapult
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I used an old Stradivarius violin to try and play a piece by Handel.

But I baroque it.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2017
🚨︎ report
One of my colleagues asked, "Do you play the piano by ear?"

Another colleague in the room replied, "No, Lisa. He uses his fingers. Gotta pay attention."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magnalbatross
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 788
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OMMOPOWER
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What animal procrastinates by playing video games?

An emulator

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Only-Simple
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Iron man should be played by a woman..

Because she is a Fe Male

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashh640
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Got played by my niece the other day

I was on the couch, visiting with family. My niece is about 2 or 3. She grabs my hand and says "Ewwwwwwwwwww"

Confused, I responded "Eww?"

And as if on cue, she looks down and spits directly into my palm, with a small piece of food for good measure.

Ah...."Eww."

Her dad sitting next to me on the ps4 looks over and asked what happened. I explained what happened and we both laughed. I'm not even mad, I'm impressed. It wouldn't surprise me if she becomes a stand up comic one day, or at least the class clown.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marcofromda510
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.

It was a little drum attic.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I was playing the song "In Memory of Elizabeth Reed" by the Allman Brothers for my ten year old daughter. She asked me how long ago I first heard the song. When I told her I heard it when it was first released, 50 years ago, She said,

"Was it called "In Honor of Elizabeth Reed" back then?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marycartlizer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend played golf with her friend. She lost the engagement ring I bought her in the tall grass by the fairway...

It was a diamond in the rough.

Credit (not quite the same): Frank and Ernest by Thaves for May 02, 2020

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My son just played "Don't Break The Ice" by himself with two hammers and exclaimed "I won!"

To which I replied "but on the other hand, you lost"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/badenglishihave
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife started hitting me because I drained her phone by playing video games.

She might be charged with battery.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new movie on Isaac Newton played by Gerard Butler ?

Apple Has Fallen

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend got beaten by his neighbour for playing the drums over and over again.

I guess he didn't realise the re-percussions of his actions.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My neighbor pissed me off yesterday by playing the same Lionel Richie song over and over again.

It was all night long.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phrresehelp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Jay-Z is DMing a D&D campaign for his son.

Jay-Z's son is playing a fighter and is engaged in a grueling fight with a troll. The troll is clearly too high a difficulty for the fighter.

"Dad," Jay-Z's son exclaims in frustration. "The troll is destroying me!" Just at that moment, from behind a nearby hill appears an army of goblins led by what appears to be an intoxicated lich.

Jay-Z looks at his son and replies with a smirk, "If you're having troll problems, I feel bad for you, son. I've got 99 goblins and a lich on rum."

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Sadly Willie Nelson was hit by a bus. He was playing on the road again.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schlongmonger
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2017
🚨︎ report
I went to a football game played by eels

The atmosphere was electric

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lightly_Saltedd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
🚨︎ report
Played my dad "Everybody" by Logic

Dad: Who's this?

Me: Logic

Dad: Makes sense.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brettwilk
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2017
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Passed by a young tattooed man playing with his kids at the grocery store

Wife calls out, "I can't find the jasmine rice. Do you see any?"

Man chuckles, "I don't know, have you asked Aladdin?"

I walked by them laughing quietly to myself and he and I grinned at each other

edit: formatting

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whirlpool4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
🚨︎ report
Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyes_and_teeth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
13 of my BEST Jokes

I used to be addicted to soap but ... I am clean now.

I am addicted to brake fluid but ... I can stop anytime.

If you are attacked by a group of clowns ... go for the juggler.

I just moved and IMMEDIATELY after we move in he starts banging on my door every night yelling at me ... coincidentally I just happen to be playing my drums those nights so I could easily tune him out.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness ... It came right out of the purple.

I failed math so many times at school ... I can’t even count.

Once i threw a boomerang, it never came back, ... Now I live in CONSTANT fear

When life gives you melons ... you might be dyslexic.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ... She hit the ceiling!

There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count ... and those who can't

They say three out of five people suffer from diarrhea ... so ... does that mean two out of five enjoy it?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toydles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do they call them cheetahs?

Cuz they dont play fair.

(Heard at the zoo yesterday by a random dad and died laughing. If you see this cheetah guy, thank you.)

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mouth2Danus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife got me good and there was nothing I could do

I was playing with our toddler when for whatever reason Humpty Dumpty popped in my head. I started trying to think of a funny rhyme about Dumpty cracking open and being unable to pay for US medical care and thus now lives a pain-addled, poor life. Yeah, idk.

Anyway, I couldn’t think of the original second half of the rhyme and so I asked my wife. She told me the rhyme and I said thanks. After a short silence goes by she goes,

β€œWhat are you doing, trying to think of another lame dad yolk?”

I didn’t know my son had two dads but I know now

Edit: typos

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BoutTreeeFiddy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Captain Marvel got snapped by Thanos.

She was played by Debris Larson.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Negative_Integer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw my bedsheets over it.

I think I covered my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Re_van
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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