Dustin Hoffman gets chosen for a role of playing an much older Joaquin Phoenix.

In one particular scene he’s strolling down a busy street in NYC and a taxi almost hits him. He slams the hood of the taxi and yells

Hey I’m Joaquin here!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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I don’t understand Joaquin Phoenix

If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorPoopTrain
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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Walking Phoenix (redone)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thumbs0fDestiny
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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What do you call a zombie phoenix?

Joaquin dead.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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So my friend ordered "Dragon and Phoenix" from a Chinese restaurant...

...in which I replied, "that's what they call a bad day in Arizona."

I'll see myself out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Robogles
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2015
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Guys, I have a question. Me and a friend are arguing about the setting of the Ace Attorney games.

He keeps telling me its LA, but its gotta be Phoenix, right?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilverStoneX1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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What do you say to an autobot on cake day?

If this were real life, I'd wish you a happy bot-day!

(Happy cake-ling cursedrobot.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anoneatsshit
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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What do you call Indiana Jones in a Scandinavian river?

Harrison Fjord

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bocabeks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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Does this count?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamBethBoo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?

A cold shoulder

Credit to u/Phoenix_Slayer3000

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SugarDemon2oo7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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Pun pet names.

Pets I want to have....

An otter name Harry Otter. A snake named Severus Snake. A tortoise named Voldetort. A chicken named Kylo Hen. A dog named Barkamedes. A deer named David Hasselhoof. A turkey named Green Gobbleen. A cat named Captain Ameowrica. A stork named Tony Stork. A pig named Peter Porker. A crocodile named Croctor Strange. A duck named Ducktor Doom. A squid named Abraham Inkin. A goose named Ryan Gooseling. A heron named Charlize Heron. A goat named Selena Goatmez An alpaca named Alpacachino. A carp name Leonardo Di’Carprio. A tuna named Tuna Turner. A horse named Neighlor Swift. A toad named Demi Lavatoad. A Rhino named Ryan Rhinolds. A swan named Swan Jovi. A Falcon named Jimmy Falcon. A ferret named Ferret Faucet. A rabbit named Hoptimus Prime. A cow named Moolissa McCarthy. A crow named Seth Crowgan. A fox named Charlie Fox. A cat named Katy Purry. A wolf named Howly Berry. A hamster named Scarlet Johamster. A parrot named Squakin Phoenix. A duck named DuckleBerry Finn. A canary named Jim Canary. A swarm of bees, all named BeeyoncΓ©. A sheep named Meryl Sheep. An elk named Elkton John. A bear named Teddy Mercury. A ram named Gordon RAMsey. A shark named Fin Diesel. A jellyfish named Jelly Clarkson. An Iguana named Eddie Lizard. A hyena named Hyena Bonham Carter. A penguin named Robird Downey Jr.

a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clixer712
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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My friends daughter who is 5 got me today

She said her and her family where going down to Florida when I said. "WOW that's cool what brings you down there?"

When she replied "A plane."

.... she got me good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vinyeatsyu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
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The Chinese chef was at the pinnacle of his career.

He was number one. He was so good, he was about to break into Hollywood.

Then his kitchen caught fire and he died.

It was incredibly tragic.

Suddenly he was reborn, brighter and better than before.

He was Wok King Phoenix.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themaaannn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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The new Joker movie missed a big opportunity

Instead of being called the Joker, it could have been Joaquin Phoenix as the Joaqer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBigGinge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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What do you call a reborn bird with human legs that acts?

Walking Phoenix.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/illusive_guy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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I thought my days of misquoting popular idioms were over.

But I’m like a phoenix, rising from molasses.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
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My husband still loves me...even after one of my worst ones...

We were driving to a friend's house for "game day". We live in Phoenix...we have flora that doesn't like living..because..it is Phoenix.As we were driving, we passed a huge palm tree on its last root (leg) of life in the median of the road. It is literally being held up by a few 2x4's. I look at my husband with the saddest look I can muster before I say "Babe, did you see that poor palm?". Husband says, "Oh yea, that big, dead-looking ones with the boards?". I respond, "Yea, sweetie, we should say a prayer. The poor thing is on LEAF support". He was not amused...I, however, giggle every other Saturday when we pass the tree to game day. Also, please don't worry about the tree. Now that Phoenix has made it through a hot summer, I bet after winter it will just spring back to life...assuming it doesn't fall. Lastly, sorry I'm not a dad or no actually dad said it...but I was channeling that inner dad when it happened! If I need to move this post it is okay!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sh2nn0n
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2014
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What do you call a bird which rises from the ashes but is unable to fly?

Joaquin Phoenix

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skarkroe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2017
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Dad at the zoo

My father volunteers at the zoo in Phoenix and so when we visit he loves to give us tours and lots of information about the animals we see.

We were walking by the coati exhibit and he was noting that coati can turn their feet backwards in order to more easily walk down trees. He then turned to my son and said, "their feet kind of look like bear feet, don't they?"

"Yeah," my son answered.

Dad then asked, "do you know why?"

My son was really interested and asked, "why?"

Completely deadpan, my father looked at him and said, "because they don't have any shoes on."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElkanahLinnell
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2016
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H.P. dad joke

Was talking with my S.O. who mentioned Jack Gleeson (King Joffery) spoilt the death of Sirius Black in the Order of the Phoenix. When I called him a cunt for it she said "Are you seriously getting annoyed at that?". Her brother interjected "I guess you could say he's a Sirius fan!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HappyLeprachaun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
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My friend was so upset that his joke was ruined

Just discovered this awesome subreddit and have a dad joke that I heard while hanging out with my friend a while back. We're driving back to their house and the interaction went like this:

Friend: Hey dad, want to hear a joke?

Dad: Sure, hit me!

Friend: What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?

Dad: thinks to himself Phoenix and Scottsdale!

Friend: I-what? Phoenix and Scottsdale?

Dad: Yeah, you said his two sons! Tuscon, Arizona! Phoenix and Scottsdale!

He just howled with laughter while my friend kept calling him lame.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AbeFroman1986
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
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My girlfriend is a dad

While driving into Phoenix, Arizona from Flagstaff, my SO pointed out an area of road that was flooded yesterday due to the monsoon rainstorms. Looking at the crew that was cleaning up the debris from the road, I simply said, "Damn."

She replied, "Yeah, they could have used one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/herbertvacuum
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
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What do you call a phoenix that has no wings?

Joaquin Phoenix

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jatisme
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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A Chinese chef was at the pinnacle of his career...

He was number one. He was so incredible , he was about to break into Hollywood.

Then his kitchen caught fire and he died.

It was horribly tragic.

Suddenly he was reborn, brighter and better than before.

He was Wok King Phoenix.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themaaannn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report

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