I went parachuting with a friend, and my parachute wasn't working

He laughed, and I said I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation!

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoondogGLOVER1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The Parachuting

Yesterday after work:

"Dad did you hear about the Paris shooting??" "No I didn't hear about the parachuting, who went parachuting?" "No Dad the Paris shooting..." "Yeah I have no idea what parachuting you're talking about..."

I still don't know if he was messing with me...

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Kromdor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy in a parachute that crashed into a Ferris wheel?

He's slowly coming around

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elster000
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Son, remember if your parachute stops working mid-air, don't panic.

You'll have the rest of your life to fix it

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A chap jumps out of an areoplane and his parachute fails to open.

On the way down he meets a chap with no parachute moving up wards. He shouts to him, Hey mate know anything about parachutes? The chap coming up shout No but do you know anything about gas cookers?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Parachute for sale

No strings attached

Also banjo same condition

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nico735
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nadva
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The great thing about your parachute not deploying

Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackcatice
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know you can actually go skydiving without a parachute?

Yeah, only once though.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/G1itch1n5y5t3m
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my skydiving instructor what I should do if my parachute doesn't work. He said when it comes to that, we'll figure it out on the fly.
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hank_the_Hand
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
We were watching the news when the commentator said that "several Brazilian skydivers died when their parachutes failed"...

My son burst into tears. I explained, "yes, buddy, it's sad, but they knew what they were getting into". My son replied, "I know, but it's still so sad. I mean, how many are in a brazliian? Is more than a million?"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a parachute for sale

Used once, never opened

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArcticFrost-296
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
If the parachute doesn't open, bring it back and we will replace it.

Heard from an old Jump Instructor while handing out parachutes.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/l4fngm4n
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My little nephew just asked why skydivers only have a single reserve parachute.

I said, if they had more than two they wouldn't be called pair-o-chutes.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation.

Never again.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Helix_128
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The clown and the parachute instructor

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a clown listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The clown asked, β€œHow am I supposed to know when I’€™m at 300 feet?”

β€œThat’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

After pondering his answer, the clown asked, β€œWhat happens if there’s no one there I know?”

https://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/the-clown-and-the-parachute-instructor/

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I didn't worry much when my parachute didn't open.

I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Parachute For Sale
  • Never opened
  • Used only once
  • Small stain
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadPuppyZA
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
When the parachute failed I became deeply aware of the gravity of my situation.
πŸ‘︎ 125
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gargolito
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2016
🚨︎ report
it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom.

But not twice.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What happened to parachute pants?

They took a dive in popularity.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/launchedcar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
🚨︎ report
A nervous soldier had jumped from a helicopter. He Radioed to his commander: "Are you sure these parachutes are safe?"

The commander chuckled, reassuring the solider. "We've had no complaints about them."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Vinushka-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
🚨︎ report
If you don't succeed the first time.....

Maybe parachuting isn't for you

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
If at first you don’t succeed, well there goes skydiving.

Unless you have a Maxwell House parachute. They are good β€˜til the last drop.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/davidwayland
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
It would make an impact.

You don’t have to have a parachute to skydive. You just need one to do it twice.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ra6907
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
"What are your thoughts on sky-diving?"

"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SimenZhor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
🚨︎ report
My teacher told this to us today in class.

If you're skydiving and your parachute cord is tangled, don't worry about it. You have the rest of your life to figure it out.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Regis_DeVallis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2017
🚨︎ report
I was telling my dad about some of my military training.

"So next week we get to practice detaching our harnesses from our parachutes while being pulled along the ground. It should be a lot of fun!"

"Sounds like a real drag to me"

...Dammit Pops.

πŸ‘︎ 386
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iliketojeep
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Magical Dad

When I was very young I brought my dad string and a Walmart bag Me: "Dad, can you make me a parachute?" Dad: without skipping a beat "POOF! You're a parachute."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dungeon_plastered
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2015
🚨︎ report
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need it to go skydiving TWICE.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nihilman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
🚨︎ report
How much time do you have to fix your parachute?

The rest of your life.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-mr-_-robot-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
If you’re parachute is failing...

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JammerJake2005
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
You don’t need a parachute to skydive.

You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving

But you do need one to go skydiving twice

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RipjawGaming
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeMeMaKeR666
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
You can skydive without a parachute

Only once though

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkinsons_CS
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
🚨︎ report
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coot32
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need one to go skydiving twice.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reecethehawk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
🚨︎ report

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