My wife beamed at me and said, “I had no idea our son would go that far!” Tearing up, I stammered, “I know!"
"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
Lettuce know if you find our dog
The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down
My wife asked if our kids were spoiled.
I said, “No, I think most kids smell that way.”
Someone broke into our local police station and stole all the urinals.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
Our waiter at a Chinese restaurant said "Soy sauce" . . .
So I said "Hola, Sauce. Soy papá."
My next door neighbor and I are very good friends, so we decided to share our water supply, because..
My friend and I are working on a tight deadline in our Dracula action figure business.
I have to make every second Count.
Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet?
They looked at the reviews... only 1 star
My wife called me at work and told me one of our envelopes is giving her an attitude
I told her I will address it when I get home
You do know that modern appliances are really spying on us, and sending back data on our habits. In fact..
Vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years.
I was really mad when our local pub decided to hang all their dartboards from the ceiling.
It really makes me want to throw up.
Generating all our electricity from solar power...
is not going to happen overnight.
As a family we couldn't decide whether to have our grandma buried or cremated ...
I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in our backyard eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.
Our friend Carlos got his car stolen last month.
Once again I've entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year I'm just hoping..
..that I can pull it off.
My wife bought me fancy Swiss Cologne for our anniversary.
It’s called Eau De Lay He Who!
My wife just placed childproof locks on all our important cabinets.
Can someone help me open our liqour cabinet?
Jesus didn't pay for our sins with cash or credit...
My wife mentioned that our baby chews everything. I told her that he's really going to cost us money.
He chews through paper, plastic and the other day he Bitcoins.
The strangest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.
The Chef at our local Italian Restaurant has died...
He pasta away
We cannoli do so much to help
His legacy will become a pizza history
Here today, gone tomato
Sending olive our prayers to the family
His wife, cheese still not over it
No more penne tration for her
I've suspected my Wife of adding extra soil to our garden, so I confronted her about it, but she just shrugged it off..
I had a friend in the publishing industry who made calendars, but I had to end our friendship
He was always getting hung up on little things, and telling me that our days were numbered. I've turned the page.
I hear he's dating someone now though.
Wife: "Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don’t know what to do?"
Me: "Hide it in his books. I know he will never touch them."
My wife and I received nothing from our wedding guests but colanders. There musta been 500 of the damned thing.
It really put a strain on our marriage.
I told my partner I think our kid is spoiled.
She said it's not a problem. A lot of kids smell that way.
My wife texted me from the grocery store to ask about our pasta supply.
I replied "we're penneless."
I asked my wife, if there's anything she regrets in our marriage. Do you know what she said?
I’m quite worried about our calendar
I’ve heard it’s days are numbered
Our doorbell rang and my son called to me, "Dad, there's a salesman here with a mustache!" I yelled back...
"Tell him I've already got one!"
Welcoming our new company president, everyone danced the Bossa Nova.
We got a new dog yesterday. He was a rescue and we're so glad to make him a part of our family. 'I think the transition is going well.'
'But your mother thinks it's been ruff.'
In college, my roommates and I were so broke that we couldn’t pay our electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of our lives.
Why does 'It' rule our world?
Because it 'rains' (reigns) in our world!
My teenage daughter was sat idle on our spinning bike...
I told her she needed to listen to less cardiB and start doing more cardiO
If they made a movie about our solar system ...
... the sun would be the star of the show.
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
In our relationship I make sparks fly everyday
I run my wet hands over electrical outlets!
Credit to the young guy busting out one-liners to his girlfriend on the Central Line the other day.
Outdad my dad with this one. He messaged me today that our dog ate a packet of corn chips. I replied..
...Soon we are going to have poop corn.
And added that we might have a cereal killer living in our house.
Someone broke into our local police station and stole all the urinals.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
My wife asked if our kids were spoiled.
I said, “I think most kids smell that way!”
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