Last night I was arguing to my wife about who should keep our children in the divorce and I got angry and threw some trifle at her

She ended up getting custardy

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B0bby_j3Ff
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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Our house got hit with a pretty big storm last night and I lost 25% of my roof.

Oof.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SerbianTarHeel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance

πŸ‘︎ 247
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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Last night, there was such an amazing stand-up comedian at the party that we decided to raise our glasses filled with alcohol to praise him.

Our spirits were lifted.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MokshK
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Our local shoe factory burned down last night!

Thankfully there were no soles lost.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Neferashu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"

She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Our electricity went out last night.

We were powerless to stop it.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
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Our toddler woke us up, ripping the sheet off our bed last night...

... it’s ok but, we recovered.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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My wife found out last night that I had swapped our double bed for a 14 foot round trampoline...

First she hit the roof, then the light, then the roof again.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NZOC
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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Had a horrible experience dining out last night. The waiter made us eat our spaghetti with a spoon.

I complained to the owner, but even she didn’t give a fork.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cynid3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Last night I asked my dog what we should call the top of our house

He just looked at me like he had no clue what I said.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zdws19
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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Last night I told our middle son that he was the meanest child of our three boys

I was the only one in the car who laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/h3fabio
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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Last night, a naked man broke into our church and started running around.

The cops finally caught him by the organ.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
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My son accidentally wet our bed after climbing on to sleep with us last night.

I’m still pissed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
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My son introduced his new girlfriend to our family last night…

"This is my dad Roger," he said, "And this is my twin brother Dave."

"Nice to meet you," she smiled. "Who's the eldest?"

He answered with a smile, "My dad!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Shopping for wedding rings last night, I showed promise for our future together.

We were looking at alternative metals, and we both agreed that the meteorite ring was not only the coolest looking in general, but the fact that it came from space made it a clear winner.

Her: "Maybe I should get meteorite in my wedding band too so we can match."

Me: "So you know what this means? It means that our love is out of this world!"

πŸ‘︎ 162
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πŸ‘€︎ u/My_Dog_Sherlock
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2015
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I was floored by the response of our boss last night

I work in a kitchen and at night the floor mats need to rolled up and washed. While watching a new kid struggle with a ripped mat, I said "I think it's about time we get a new mat."

Our boss, named Matt, instantly yells from inside the nearby office "Oh come on, I'm sitting right here!" And while I didn't physically see it, I could feel the giant smile on his face as we all laughed

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/derekorjustD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2015
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Last night at a gig, people threw rotten tomatoes at our band.

The whole experience left a sour taste in my mouth...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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Why did our clocks jump forward an hour last night?

Santa clock came while we were sleeping

Edit: This is what my dad would say every daylight savings time, twice a year, every year, when we were kids.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkPanda
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2016
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My wife dropped this old standby while trying to get our one year old to sleep last night.

Wife: "Your little punk son is resisting arrest!" Me: crickets

About five minutes later

Me: "OH! Resisting a-REST! Hahahaha! I get it. Wife: "I was wondering how long that would take."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bokanovsky_Jones
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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Picking up chicken from our favorite fried chicken place last night.

Last night my parents came over for dinner, so we decided to order some fried chicken from one of our favorite restaurants.

My mom called in the order and placed it under my dad's name "Jon".

My dad and I go to pick up the chicken when it's ready, as we walk into the restaurant the lady at the front says "Are you here for Jon?"

Without any hesitation my dad says, "No, I'm here for chicken."

He chuckled to himself for a few seconds before letting the lady know that in fact yes, we were there to pick up the order.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grave_of_a_body
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
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GF got me with this last night while watching our favorite BBC car show

Me: "The cinematography for this show really is top notch." Her: "No babe, it's Top Gear."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StringFu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
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SO used this one on our way to dinner last night.

We were going to a sushi restaurant named Naan (pronounced "non"). He asked me to see if there were any Groupons for it. I checked, but there weren't any. He proceeds to say, "Would you say...there are naan?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuaereVerumm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2014
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Dad joked our waitress last night.

Waitress: "Soup or salad?" Me: "What's the difference between super salad, and regular salad?" light chuckles all around.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObiWan_Cannoli
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2014
🚨︎ report
A storm just came through and blew 25% of our roof off last night

Oof.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DownloadToaster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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