They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
Excalibur
-What are you listening to?
-Yes.
His name is Rick OβShea.
Because of a mooing violation.
...which was "Thirsty".
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/96/SmirnovVS_KnMihailChern.jpg
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
he was the one they tried in absinthe, yea?
That is it. That is the joke. Welcome to Asheville, NC.
https://www.bpr.org/post/vance-monument-fully-shrouded-lee-marker-removed
Because Watt and Euler don't mix.
I was so salty
Q: Why did the burglar take a bath?
A: He wanted to make a clean getaway
Boom Boom
High definition.
So I said, "What type of plant is that?"
He got so ill he fell into a korma!
...are just looking for CaSiO3.
[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]
The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.
"It is my great privilege β well, it's my privilege β actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.
Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."
And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:
"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."
"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."
"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."
"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."
[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."
"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."
"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "
"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."
"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)
"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."
[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com
... keep reading on reddit β‘I say it's quite straight forward.
I asked if I wasn't better off heating up the chilli in the microwave. No response.
It is a shocking discovery
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electricity
http://scienceline.ucsb.edu/getkey.php?key=4026
It's Sans-Sheriff
She didn't like his attitude
Arigatoni.
Because there is a Vas deferens ("vast difference") between them.
I opened the cabinet to pull out the chocolate syrup when I noticed a chocolate fingerprint on the top. I jokingly asked her if she did that to mark it as hers since she had told me she might have to hide it to keep me from using it all. So, we go back and forth over whose fingerprint it is when she grabs it and takes it over to the dog. She holds it up and goes, "Eddie, look. Whose is that?" Of course, he's a dumb dog, so he just whines and wags his tail. She then comes back to me and says, "I sent the fingerprint to the Lab, results came back inconclusive." Cue long sigh.
Edit: Damn...
Edit 2: The Lab
My dad told my brother to change his bedsheets while his gf is coming..
"I don't want her to get pregnant just by sitting" he said
I'm dyin lmaoππ
Destruction 100
They're colours son. Colours.
Edit: Wow... Didn't expect this much karma. Thanks guys!
Edit 2: Yes. I am fully aware of my bad grammar.
A trans-action!
If you want to this is a link to a trans health hotline https://www.translifeline.org/
While making dinner tonight for the family, my girlfriend wanted to add more of that dark, leafy, and easily pun-able green called Kale.
Girlfriend: Can I add more kale?
Me: Won't that be over-kale?
My wife plays violin and her first rehearsal with a new orchestra is near. She had access to an electronic copy of the music, but wondered whether the orchestra would distribute paper copies at the rehearsal. For orchestras, the section leaders decide when everyone's bows will be moving up vs. down and annotate the music accordingly. Copies of the annotated music are distributed to the players. As a trumpet player who's never needed that kind of annotation, I've always been able to use the originals.
Wife: "String players never play from the originals because we have bowings."
Me: "And wind players have Airbuses!"
Wife: "That joke was just plane awful."
But the flag is a big plus.
The antichimera mechanism.
(I don't know how obscure this is, but if it doesn't make sense click this link)
Wife: Those look good. I'd kill to have our counters redone.
Me: Sure...but then you'd be taking life for granite.
