Because of a mooing violation.
His name is Rick OβShea.
That is it. That is the joke. Welcome to Asheville, NC.
https://www.bpr.org/post/vance-monument-fully-shrouded-lee-marker-removed
he was the one they tried in absinthe, yea?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
Because Watt and Euler don't mix.
Q: Why did the burglar take a bath?
A: He wanted to make a clean getaway
Boom Boom
...are just looking for CaSiO3.
High definition.
I was so salty
So I said, "What type of plant is that?"
It is a shocking discovery
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electricity
http://scienceline.ucsb.edu/getkey.php?key=4026
He got so ill he fell into a korma!
I say it's quite straight forward.
A trans-action!
If you want to this is a link to a trans health hotline https://www.translifeline.org/
Because there is a Vas deferens ("vast difference") between them.
But the flag is a big plus.
It's Sans-Sheriff
[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]
The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.
"It is my great privilege β well, it's my privilege β actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.
Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."
And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:
"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."
"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."
"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."
"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."
[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."
"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."
"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "
"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."
"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)
"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."
[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com
... keep reading on reddit β‘My dad told my brother to change his bedsheets while his gf is coming..
"I don't want her to get pregnant just by sitting" he said
I'm dyin lmaoππ
Destruction 100
The antichimera mechanism.
(I don't know how obscure this is, but if it doesn't make sense click this link)
I asked if I wasn't better off heating up the chilli in the microwave. No response.
Arigatoni.
She didn't like his attitude
After years of my humor, my wife has diagnosed me with Witzelsucht https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Witzelsucht
They called him "almond dais" Mozart.
I opened the cabinet to pull out the chocolate syrup when I noticed a chocolate fingerprint on the top. I jokingly asked her if she did that to mark it as hers since she had told me she might have to hide it to keep me from using it all. So, we go back and forth over whose fingerprint it is when she grabs it and takes it over to the dog. She holds it up and goes, "Eddie, look. Whose is that?" Of course, he's a dumb dog, so he just whines and wags his tail. She then comes back to me and says, "I sent the fingerprint to the Lab, results came back inconclusive." Cue long sigh.
Edit: Damn...
Edit 2: The Lab
They're colours son. Colours.
Edit: Wow... Didn't expect this much karma. Thanks guys!
Edit 2: Yes. I am fully aware of my bad grammar.
While making dinner tonight for the family, my girlfriend wanted to add more of that dark, leafy, and easily pun-able green called Kale.
Girlfriend: Can I add more kale?
Me: Won't that be over-kale?
Seriously. She was really big in the '90s; winning a number of medals at the Olympics and other events.
Sadly, after she was done skiing, she got into a really bad accident.
The newspapers the next day all said: Picabo ICU.
Shoutout to my Grandfather who told this joke to every. single. person. he ever met. Everyone in my family can tell this joke at the drop of a hat because of him.
My wife plays violin and her first rehearsal with a new orchestra is near. She had access to an electronic copy of the music, but wondered whether the orchestra would distribute paper copies at the rehearsal. For orchestras, the section leaders decide when everyone's bows will be moving up vs. down and annotate the music accordingly. Copies of the annotated music are distributed to the players. As a trumpet player who's never needed that kind of annotation, I've always been able to use the originals.
Wife: "String players never play from the originals because we have bowings."
Me: "And wind players have Airbuses!"
Wife: "That joke was just plane awful."
Mormon Emo Problems
Wife: Those look good. I'd kill to have our counters redone.
Me: Sure...but then you'd be taking life for granite.
That's the spirit!
It's only one C away from a craft.
I. Kant.
Which makes it a perfectly common date.
The other one is.
Well, many of them couldn't stand to be depicted.
... now it's clarified.
I guess this makes me his carbuncle.
Explanation: the Russian word Π΄ΡΡΠ³ (drug, pronounced drook or droog) means male friend.
One day, around Christmas time, my dad was in a grumpy mood for some reason. My mother, being the the quick witted "Dad" in this situation, told him to "quit being a Lebaneser Scrooge!"
...I'll show myself out.
We are a singing group and we need a team name related to Valentine's Day. Gimme your best punny team name that involves love or singing or both!
He didn't have time to stay and chaat.
Because he is a tea totaller.
I'm not sure, but it definitely will be Moonotheisitic
Β΅-slim
Ten tickles
*walking down the line asking everyone their name.
And whats you name?
"Lauda"
WHATS YOUR NAME?
About three inches off the ground.
My daughter told me this joke and if it gave you a chuckle, please consider donating to her fundraiser for the American Heart Association! http://www2.heart.org/goto/heartwarming
Here it is! My second Punguins comic. Be sure to leave some feedback!
Comic: http://penguinproductions.org/comics?id=2
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/penguinproductionsapps/?fref=ts
Twitter: https://twitter.com/PenguinProdApps
Once, there was a young woman who wanted to do a little psychological experiment. So she carefully bred cherry trees to bloom in multiple colors, and arranged to have them planted such that the trees of one color would spell out the name of some other color. You know, to test the Stroop effect.
However, the instructions (which were, admittedly, odd) weren't transmitted to the workers (all starving underpaid grad students) effectively, so the groups of various colored cherry trees were planted such that the colors matched the names, completely invalidating her experiment.
She's now the Stroop drupe group blooper girl, Stroop drupe blooper girl, Stroop drupe blooper girl...
She now focuses on Anglo-Saxon royalty.
Executive Assistant comes over. Says, "oh, no! You don't have a Halloween costume! We should make you something here,"
I panicked a bit and looked around the office, thinking what could make an impromptu costume: pens...tape...notepads...books...books!
I turned to her and said, "well, I could tape a book to my face and be Facebook." She stopped a beat, patted my arm, and walked away.
You hit it with an itheberg.
I told him that he would get naan.
Dad struck again while watching Pompeii. The title screen came up saying POMPEII "Pompy 2? Did we miss Pompy 1?" Groans insued.
While joking with her at dinner she called me mean. I replied "at least I'm average."
Daughter: Dad, did you know that the Inca didn't have a writing system? Instead, they used a system of knotted strings to communicate?
Me: So the Inca could (k)not read?
D: I said they could read!
Me: No, you said that they could knot read! Make up your mind!
A cocker poodle boo
Happy Halloween y'all
"Oui oui, c'est Le JIT."
I asked what my sister was listening to, she says "LeAnn Rimes" and I says "with what?"
It was so wonderful, it brought a tear to the eye! His sister got home from a friend's house when he showed her a package of Turtles he bought for her. Her immediate response was " Score!! Without missing a beat, he said "Actually, those are Turtles"
I've never been so proud!
Urson.
Operator: 911 what's your emergency?
Dad: My wife's going into labor, I don't know what to do.
Operator: Is this her first born?
Dad: No, this is her husband.
http://imgur.com/a/GPyVq
https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/tuppence
http://www.cnn.com/2016/07/14/politics/donald-trump-vice-presidential-choice/
Ten-tickles!
