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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrAcurite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I’ll let you know.

πŸ‘︎ 599
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5x13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my wife, β€œFrom here on, I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order.”

She said, β€œWhere will you find the time?”

Me: Easy. Right next to the sage.

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Went to GameStop to use the bathroom, but it was out of order...

I guess I have to keep holding it.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I've placed simultaneous orders for a rotisserie chicken on Uber Eats, and for an egg omelette on DoorDash

Looks like we're about to find out, once and for all, what comes first!

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeneReddit123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I called in an order for pickup at my local vegan grocery, but they said they don't serve devil worshipers...

All I said was: kale, seitan.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sycdan
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you order when you don’t want to share your food?

Nachos.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jester57
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the skeleton order with his beer?

A mop.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnEvilSunBro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Ordered Eggs Benedict at a diner and they served it to me on a hubcap.

There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...

Riceless

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I ordered a large duck at the Chinese last night.

The bill was huge.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I ordered a build-your-own pet online today.

It's called a Kit-Cat.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fireburner80
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Jazz icon Dave Brubeck's deli order?

Blue Rondo Γ  la Turkey on Rye.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/logansworth
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I ordered a Caesar salad from the restaurant for lunch today.

They absolutely killed it.

πŸ‘︎ 153
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zion2199
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Someone told me Trumps last order as president is to outlaw shredded cheese.

Hmm guess he wants to make America grate again πŸ€”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
In order to find you a measuring tape,

I went to great lengths.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I ordered some ripe, juicy, golden yellow mangoes from a grocery store. But all the mangoes they sent me were green.

They gave me a raw deal.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drawsouza
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink

He tells the bartender, β€œput it on my bill”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bakedlogik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Nurse: Here is the list of heart, liver and kidney donors arranged in alphabetical order.

Doctor: Thank you. It is very organ-ized.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
One day all mathematical signs gathered together in order to go into an adventure. Right before they were leaving, they didn't let the equal sign go with them.

They wanted to live an adventure without equal

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tadashi4
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My mom, ordering at a restaurant: I’ll have the chef’s salad, please.

Dad: Honey, that’s a little rude. Just have your own.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I ordered won ton for my large family today.

2000 lbs of soup goes along way.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redsteelgonnawin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Two man walk into a coffee shop, one of them orders a Cup of Tea and starts stripping.

The man behind counter says: what the hell is this?

To which the second man says: he's new to Tea

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/helderdude
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Terrorist walks into a bar and orders a vodka on the rocks

Bartender picks up a piece of ice, and asks "you like ice?"

Terrorist says "Yes, but more than one would be nice"

Bartender grabs another piece of ice and asks "so, you like ices?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Farnesworth85
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer

The bartender says we don't serve food here

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a magician who loses his magic?

Ian

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacSteele13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
If a clock you ordered arrived in the mail,

That means your time is here

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pro-Do
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
When you order a large combo meal in north korea what size is your drink?

1 supreme liter.

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oppy1984
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I ordered pulled pork in a restaurant this evening.

It was tearable.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/42fs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
So I was at Chili’s the other day and when a waiter came to take our order, I asked him to turn the heat up and when he asked why

I replied it seems a bit chilly in here. I’m now banned at all Chili’s restaurants in the USA

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Went to a Japanese restaurant and ordered toad legs

Miso Horny, as they called it

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShadeTreeMechanix
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
TIFU: by ordering a sandwich my boss was allergic to.

Dammit wrong sub!

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/--Tom
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you divorce your mail-order bride?

A FedEx-Wife

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/backafterdeleting
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
So I order a drink on the rocks with a hint of citrus...

I was given a drink with limestone.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hot_Viking_DILF
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Pirates of the Caribbean order from the Bakery?

They said they wanted a torte to go.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorJoss
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Two guys at a bar order drinks. The first says "I'll have some H2O." The second says "Yeah, I'll have some H2O too."

The second guy died.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
When you order a clock online and it arrives

My time has come

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Redmaxdog1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested.

Sorry, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dinner_cat96
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Ordering KFC, and I ask for a chicken wing. Cashier asks, β€œok sir, and which side?”

I replied I had never thought about it before, but I suppose I’ll take the right side.

Cashier: β€œsir, I meant mashed potatoes, corn, or beans.”

πŸ‘︎ 329
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A Dad goes to a restaurant and orders a salad

Waitress: "Not a problem, what kind of dressing do you prefer?"

Dad: "Un dressing is my favorite"

Credit: my old man

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meathouse1989
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
If you spell the words β€œAbsolutely Nothing” backwards, you get β€œGnihton Yletulosba,” which ironically means...

Absolutely nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealTripleH
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
A length of rope walks into a bar and orders two shots...

the bartender kicks him out on the daily making it known that they don’t serve ropes in his bar. One day he decides that he may have better luck with a disguise, so he ties himself up in a good tangle and frantically pulls all the fibers apart at both of his cut ends. He walks back into the bar and orders two shots. The bartender says to him, β€œ Hey...aren’t you that rope I kicked out of here yesterday?”. The rope looks at him confused and says, β€œ No, I’m a frayed knot”.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I ordered a beer and the bartender said "Sorry, I only have root beer."

So I had him put it in a square glass.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I’ll let you know.

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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
So I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know

πŸ‘︎ 183
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πŸ‘€︎ u/POOTIS113
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.

And now, we wait.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I ordered a large duck at the Chinese last night.

The bill was huge.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report

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