2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
My sister has been reading game of thrones and she really liked the line "the sound of steel on steel"
So she decided to steel it
A man drew a line on himself to prove a point
When I dropped my top-of-the-line Microsoft laptop on the asphalt, I figured it was ruined
Turns out I had barely scratched the Surface.
Had a race to see who could hang out our towels on the washing line quickest.
I went to get a haircut on Saturday but the line outside was huge when l got there.
Then the owner came out giving free burgers and hotdogs to everybody there.
It was the best barber queue ever!
I matched with a woman named Samantha on tinder. Guess my opening line:
“Can we chat now or “Samantha” time? “
Btw .. this is my true story
I was racing with my younger brother on the track, and then he got mad that I didn’t draw a finish line marker on the sand. We kept racing but he kept losing, and at one point he got so mad he threw a tantrum and started hitting and punching and kicking me furiously
.....and that’s when I drew the line.
Why do parallel lines get on so well?
Because they’re straight up with each other.
I spent $2000 on a top-of-the-line DSLR camera to take a picture of a beautiful wheat field at sunset...
I bought a digital book on how to scam on-line.
Have not received it yet.
I bought a brand-new top-of-the-line string trimmer of a guy on craigslist for only $20
Just got the Father-in-law with this one... Me: At Disney World parades they keep people in line with masking tape on the ground.
Father-in-Law: And do people actually adhere to it?
Me: No, cuz they put it sticky side down.
Nurse: "Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible"
Doctor: "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
I bought a thesaurus on-line and when it arrived all the pages were blank.
I have no words for how angry I am.
Ya know, I saw superhero on the street once, he was in line for a hotdog, read this guys mind and saw that his head was in the clouds, and he just pushed in front of him!
If you ask me, that was pretty telepathetic of him.
I'm starting a line of wooden plates with insults carved on them.
I'm calling them Hickory Mockery Crockery.
(Originally posted in r/jokes)
On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hot dog. She walks to the nearest hot dog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst...
He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.
Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.
As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.
A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.
When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,
“Excuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”
“It’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. “I’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”
Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.
“Ya see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"
I asked my barber if it was difficult to shave the line thingy on my head
He said "that's the hard part"
Remeber, there is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like a moron.
I was in a KFC in Prague, standing in line waiting to order my lunch when I noticed the beautiful girl wearing a black and white tiled apron who was giving the man in front of me a bucket of Buffalo wings..and then it dawned on me.
I was checking out a chequered Czech check-out chick who was checking out some chicken at the checkout.
If you have to wait on line for the bathroom...
I saw a strange picket line on the way home today. The workers were carrying signs saying "WE MAKE TOO MUCH MONEY”
Then I noticed they were outside the mint.
To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines. Others rely on the attraction of their car
So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
When asking for best pickup-lines on Tinder
Cocaine is no joke I'm at the end of the line on this one
Why do birds hang out on telephone lines?
So they can tweet.
(I hit my family with this one today. Its probably been done before but it was so satisfying hearing everyone groan.)
Saw a great tag line on the way to work this morning.
Have a bad tan line on my arm
Going on 3 months now, got her with this stellar pickup line 💜
What do you call it when you buy something on line from the Middle East and get ripped off?
My dad just used this pickup line on my mom at breakfast: "Hey Babe..... do you have an inhaler?"
".....cuz you got dat assssss, ma!"
I spit out my cornflakes and ironically was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.
A boy was pulling on an electric line...
Man was he shocked with the current outcome!
One my friends is studying in New Zealand and her boyfriend is studying in Canada. I told this to someone and remarked on how romantic it would be for them to date on the International date line .
Two kids were on the playground, about to get in a fight. One drew a line in the sand and told the other, “If you cross this line, I’ll punch you in the face.”
I noticed a man in line at the grocery store with a toupee on.
When It came to the magical moment, I asked "how would you like toupee."
Nearing the finish line, a marathon runner was so driven to win, that even when he pooped his pants, he continued on. When asked what he felt at that crucial moment, he replied...
"Undeterred"
/
"Undie turd"
I watched a video of Bradley Cooper forgetting his lines on set
I guess you could call him Bradley Blooper
Why did Joseph keep bringing up tractors on the firing line?
What do u call a guy with no arms and no legs on the end of a fishing line
Do ISIS fighters on the front lines head back to a mess tent for their dinner like other military forces?
... Or when they're feeling peckish do they just hit up the Allahu Snackbar?
The operator on the phone line told me she was standing by for more info...
I told her that she could sit if she wanted to.
I was dropped from the 100 meters running team after I kept on getting tired before the finish line.
My coach said that I was not performing up to the mark.
It was my first day on the job at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. My boss gave me the easiest, but most important, job on the assembly line. After a few hours, my boss frantically ran to my station to check in on me. "Why are you so far behind? Why are marbles and thread scattered everywhere?"
"Sorry boss... I just can't keep up! You told me to give each Elmo two test tickles!"
I went fishing. I was out of worms, but was saving a can of alphabet soup for lunch, so I put some letters on the line and hoped for the best. Moments later, I caught a whopper, and boy, he started talking! The fish said:
"Hooked on phonics worked for me!"
Real Line I Pulled on my Wife Today
Went grocery shopping, and bought some chicken leg quarters for the first time to use on a recipe I found online.
Wife said while she was putting the groceries away, “Leg quarters? You don’t know how to cook those,” to which I replied, “Guess I’ll just have to bake it to make it.”
I’ll see myself out.
My auntie asked how many lines are on our family plan
"Doctor I have a patient on the line that claims he's invisible"
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
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