Why is 6 afraid of 7?...because 7-8-9.
Moonday.
A ginger named Rudy was looking out the window, and then said to his wife, "Looks like rain!"
"How can you be so sure?" his wife replied.
His response, "Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
Why are Pirates called Pirates?
Because the AARRGGHH!
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
There are three kinds of people in this world.
Those who can count, and those who can’t.
Mom: What are you guys up to?
Dad: I’m up to about 5’9”
He’s a legend
“Hi hungry I’m dad”
Why can't ghosts have babies? Because they have Hallow weenies
The scene: Day after Thanksgiving, been browsing black friday deals on my phone all day.
Me: Hey, that's cool, they've got Updoc on sale for 15 bucks.
Her: Updoc? What's Updoc?
Me: Not much, what's up with you?
Can't believe I actually pulled it off, she wouldn't speak to me for a good half-hour after that.
Managed to keep my wits about me at the urgent care after nearly taking my finger off with an axe this afternoon...
"Doctor, I know this is bad, but am I going to be able to play the piano after you fix me up?"
"Oh yes, it doesn't look like you've damaged the muscle too badly"
"Well that's just excellent; I was never able to play it before!"
I think I'm lucky he finished my stitches...
So I was eating dinner with my mother and step dad last night and I accidentally dropped a spoonful of green peas on the floor.
Mother: Aw Alex! Me: Shit, I just peed all over the floor!
::Mom and step dad look at me in disgust along with the chirping of crickets.::
If athletes get Athlete's Foot, what do astronauts get? Mistletoe.
Wife asked me to hang up some new wall decorations she picked up. One was a little heavy so I wanted to nail into a couple studs instead of just using drywall anchors. She saw me rooting around in the garage and asked what I was looking for.
"My stud finder. Wish I could turn it on remotely so it would just find me instead!"
http://cdn.parentsshouldnttext.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/constipation-copy.jpg
Dad:Have you heard of the movie Constipation?
Idiot: Can't say I have
Dad:That's because it hasn't come out yet.
