My dad would sing stuff like "What would you do, if I whooped both of you? Would you finally clean up your damn room?" There were many more, but this is the one that stuck the hardest
Moonday.
Because people are dying to get in!
In case he gets a hole in one.
A ginger named Rudy was looking out the window, and then said to his wife, "Looks like rain!"
"How can you be so sure?" his wife replied.
His response, "Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
Why are Pirates called Pirates?
Because the AARRGGHH!
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
There are three kinds of people in this world.
Those who can count, and those who can’t.
B Negative
Mom: What are you guys up to?
Dad: I’m up to about 5’9”
He’s a legend
When it becomes apparent.
An oldie but a goodie.
Snowballs.
“Hi hungry I’m dad”
For hispanic attacks
But then it grew on Me.
You boil the hell out of it
... they’re my guard dogs 🐕
The scene: Day after Thanksgiving, been browsing black friday deals on my phone all day.
Me: Hey, that's cool, they've got Updoc on sale for 15 bucks.
Her: Updoc? What's Updoc?
Me: Not much, what's up with you?
Can't believe I actually pulled it off, she wouldn't speak to me for a good half-hour after that.
Why can't ghosts have babies? Because they have Hallow weenies
Managed to keep my wits about me at the urgent care after nearly taking my finger off with an axe this afternoon...
"Doctor, I know this is bad, but am I going to be able to play the piano after you fix me up?"
"Oh yes, it doesn't look like you've damaged the muscle too badly"
"Well that's just excellent; I was never able to play it before!"
I think I'm lucky he finished my stitches...
Because he goes to high school.
I had to put my foot down
You follow the fresh prints.
If athletes get Athlete's Foot, what do astronauts get? Mistletoe.
So I was eating dinner with my mother and step dad last night and I accidentally dropped a spoonful of green peas on the floor.
Mother: Aw Alex! Me: Shit, I just peed all over the floor!
::Mom and step dad look at me in disgust along with the chirping of crickets.::
Grrrrrainnnnnssss.
