Don't let them guilt you or punish you with silence and make you feel like you're worthless. The only reason a narc does that is to regain the power they feel they've lost.
Power through, because you're doing it right.
If you see your partner exhibiting any of these traits PLEASE RUN. It is not worth the emotional damage caused by long term abuse. These are signs of narcissistic abuse combined with examples from my past relationship with a narc. If you have any questions feel free to message me or comment below. Sadly, I'm pretty experienced with this subject.
SIGNS OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE
Gaslighting
Gaslighting uses 5 primary techniques: withholding, countering, blocking, trivializing and denial. When you speak up about an issue, the narcissist will deny it, minimize it and then react with anger and annoyance of their own. It causes the victim to question their own emotions and sanity and, over time, the victim becomes insecure and unsure of themselves.
- Me: "You said you were going to take out the trash and put your clothes away while I was at work" Him: "I never said that" Me: "Yeah, I asked you earlier and you said ok" Him: "You must have said it while I was gaming I don't remember that. You have to make sure I'm paying attention when you ask me to do something"
- "You were the one that wanted to do polyamory, you started all of this" (absolutely not, he had been talking about threesomes and poly within the first year of our marriage and pushed the idea on me)
- "You're getting your relationship advice from someone that doesn't know anything. Your friends are just going to take your side, you shouldn't listen to them."
- "Yeah, I did X, Y, and Z to her, but I told you about it after and I didn't c*m so we can work through this. I don't know why you're so upset about it, I wish I didn't tell you what I did, then you wouldn't be upset. Hey, you hurt my feelings 4 years ago when you did X and I forgave you for it."
- "I can't give you space to cool off when we're fighting cause it feels like you're ignoring me and hurts my feelings. We need to work things out now" (usually saying this while yelling and then it would push me into having a panic attack)
Isolation
To get away with their reign of terror and manipulation, the narcissist will seek to isolate their victim and drive a wedge between you and others. Narcissists need to shrink your world for them to maintain control over their victims.
- Moved to a different state multiple times
- Anytime I would make friends and start to gain a support system he would criticize them and put them down and make me question my relationship with them
Triangulation
Triangulation refers to a specific behavior
... keep reading on reddit ➡Last Monday, my Gran died. She was a miserable, racist old narcissist who emotionally abused her only daughter, my mother, for her entire life. She died alone, in an institution, of Alzheimers. No funeral is planned because despite the fact that Gran had six siblings and a huuuuge family, everyone knows that only her daughter would go, and maybe her daughter's kids to support their mom. She's dead and no one but my mom honestly gives a shit. Because she was cruel, and she didn't love anybody, and her presence in people's lives was mostly bad-to-neutral.
Yesterday my beloved dog died. His name was Alfredo, and he was a big fuzzy pitbull mix who loved everybody and wanted pets and scritches more than anything in the world. We did everything we could for him, but his body just gave out, and we had to put him down. He's not in pain anymore. I miss him terribly. I wish we could have done more for him. But here's the thing-- everyone loved him. At least thirty people have expressed condolences. His vet was heartbroken. People have brought flowers, my mother in law made a framed photo of him. People miss him. Because he loved them they miss him.
This loss-grief speedrun has taught me that when a life is lived with love, it makes a deep impact on people. What we are to each other is defined, I think, by love.
And the sad thing about narcissists is that they can't love anybody- they just don't have it in them.
I spent two yrs with a person I thought was emotionally broken from a divorced and needed someone to lean on, as I did after my divorce. He actually wanted someone pathetic, like me, to control and manipulate. The relationship was only on his terms. During our 2 yrs of dating, he spent a total of 4 nights at my home (he lives 3 miles away, travel time is minimal). I always had to be at his place. I was sleeping over 4-6 nights a week. I never questioned this because I was so into him and enjoyed his company. He gradually tore me down with criticism and fed on my insecurity. After the first yr, I started to see how demeaning and condescending he was, but I had excused it because I was convinced it was my fault. So, I made all the effort to be better. After a yr, in my gut I knew what I was doing was gross, but I needed him. I was lonely and pathetic. His criticisms and controlling behavior backfired on him. I began to work on myself and figure out why I was with a person like him. I was vulnerable and desperate for attention from anyone who would give it to me. It hit me hard. I was allowing this person to feed on my emotional vulnerability. Our last argument ended with him telling me, "Fuck you. I can't talk to you." I walked away. I was done with verbal abuse. I blocked his number the next day. I am so relieved. I learned something very important! LISTEN TO MY INSTINCTS!!! My gut was telling me this was a bad relationship for a whole F**king yr!!
But it doesn't mean you're not healing. Take your time, beautiful people.
" Yes.
The raging monster you saw when you challenged the narc was real.
The raging monster you saw when you tried to sit down and have a conversation about your relationship with the narc was real.
The raging monster you saw when you caught the narc in a lie was real.
The raging monster you saw when you said “no” or set/reinforced a personal boundary was real.
The raging monster you saw in your most vulnerable moments and in your darkest time of need was real.
The raging monster that escalated every conversation into WWIII, turned completely cold, cruel and heartless on you, abandoned you over and over again and left you gasping for air, was real.
The secret thoughts and worst fears you had about him/her, the times you wondered “Am I being used?” or “Is this all too convenient for him to do this to me right now?”… that was real.
The cruel contempt he had for you, and especially for your “feelings”… that was real.
Never forget it. "
...the audience.
He's using charm, resources, sympathy and insincere apologies to make us not care that he's a terrorist and a cold blooded murder.
That's some omega level bad ex-boyfriending right there.
My husband recently introduced me to this and I just can’t stop thinking about it. It’s my nMom in a nutshell.
“That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.”
Children of narcissists/one narcissist parent are highly tuned to that parent's moods. They are very observant of subtle shifts in facial expressions and use of words and tone. This becomes their second nature and they develop traits of empaths. This is also why empaths attract narcissists. That's the relationship they know, as it was with their primary caregiver
Source : youtube comment
When he was upset with me while he was driving, he'd drive really fast and recklessly. He once went 50mph in a 25mph area and ran red lights at a busy intersection because I asked him to take me home during an argument. Was blaring his music and wouldn't let me turn it down. It scared me so much that my hands were sweating and sore from holding onto the door.
I'd ask him to slow down or just naturally would cling to the door handles without realizing I was and he'd get incredibly offended. He'd yell "I know how to drive!" and "Don't tell me how to drive!"
I think he absolutely did it to scare me. So it got to the point where I didn't want him to drive us anywhere just in case. And if I needed to leave his house, if he was upset, I'd either have to stay there like a hostage until he calmed down or I'd make up an excuse for someone to come get me.
Narcissists / people with NPD aren't victims, but the people who interact with them regularly are. I don't care if they can't help it, narcissistic character traits are inherently toxic and abusive.
I'm autistic and my mother is a narcissist. I discuss a lot of topics related to ableism mostly related towards autistic people on my Twitter account, and so ableism in regards to other conditions will come up from time to time as well. One of the more recent topics someone responded to me with was "ableism against people with personality disorders, and more specifically, NPD."
They argued that the victims of narcissists are ableist to call it "narcissistic abuse" and should instead just call it "general abuse" or "emotional/psychological abuse." But like, the abuse I suffered is a direct result of the fact my mother is a narcissist. If anything, her narcissism has only helped her succeed in life, whereas my autism has hindered my own ability to. She isn't suffering from her narcissism so long as she gets her way.
To act as if narcissists should be treated as a marginalized member of the disabled community worthy of protection is beyond ridiculous. Narcissistic character traits are rewarded by our society (at least in regards to business and careers, etc). Not to mention this completely washes over the trauma narcissistic abuse survivors have gone through. This is beyond insulting, and completely absurd.
It’s strange how you try to rationalise and accept their behaviour until suddenly you realise it’s all wrong.
At first he love bombed me so hard. Acted like he was deep and intelligent and like what he felt for me was so rare.
It didn’t last. In reality, he treated me like a non-human. I was not human, I was “Object”. Object provided him with sexual gratification, and that is what Object was good for. Object also provided some emotional validation when required. When Object was not wanted sexually, Object was begrudgingly tolerated, but eventually ignored. Object would become infuriating when Object questioned his lies. When the novelty of Object started to wear off, new supply was sought. It was a lot nicer to have fresh new supply that trusted him and didn’t confront his constant deception.
And I accepted this. I accepted my role as “Object”. Because to begin with he had pretended to feel something so deep and meaningful and told me he had never felt that for anyone before, and he love bombed me so hard that I literally rearranged my entire life for him — I tried to work through all his lying, all his abuse, all his narcissistic behaviour — only for him to treat me as nothing more or less than “Object” at the end of the day.
It all goes out the window and they act like they never told you how much they loved you or how obsessed they were with you, like they never talked of marriage or true love.
Five years involved with him — and now I don’t even exist in his world. I’m trying to sort out the trauma, dealing with pain and processing the hurt, while he has latched onto a new supply source like I never even happened. I doubt he gives me a second thought. I was never real to him. I was nothing but a toy.
Original post
https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/ms5sgy/update_for_going_to_break_up_on_friday_evening/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I went home with my friend to pick up something and there was another bouquet of flowers with a note at my doorstep. After him texting me ‘you won’t see me if you don’t wish to’ and me confirming that I don’t want to see him by text, he still had the b***s to show up at my apartment unannounced. His note is a joke, and looks aggressive to me. He has no respect for my boundaries. He didn’t put his name in on the note and honestly I have no way to prove this guy is coming in and leaving these things. There is no camera. There is no text messages to show he is coming to see me or whatever either. See his note below.
https://imgur.com/a/B6OAxCV
I told my landlord what’s going on and asked him to keep an eye on the apartment when I’m away. He lives in the next building. I thought it was important that he knew, Incase this guy decided to damage the property or something. I could be simply paranoid, but I had to be careful.
I will see how I can file a complaint on Monday. My boss says it’s a bit extreme as he won’t be able to do anything crazy in this country. Honestly I have got a stalker situation here now and I don’t feel safe at all. Jesus! How did I get here?
Edit : Should I message him to give me sometime to think things over so that I can peacefully pack up and move towns? There is no way he will ever figure out where I’m moving to.
The Hero Narcissist is the type of narcissist who is invested in being the hero. The savior, the good guy, the fixer, the problem solver. Unlike most narcissists, the hero narcissist doesn't engage in overtly abusive behavior most of the time. They often appear concerned, compassionate and helpful. They are often extremely manipulative and use guilt, fear and something we can call "kindness bullying."
****This sub was made to roast Hilary and all things Hilary. If you don’t like what you’re reading then leave. It’s simple. Some of us like myself have been involved since DCUrban MOM and want to see Hilary held accountable for her fraud and grift. I’d you want to be the hero and try to derail our fun, just stop and leave. You’ll most likely get kicked out anyway so just show yourself out. Take your shame induced BS and go away. Fuck off. Devonshire Doll and Artistic Archer were trolling me all day long trying to doxx me calling me all sorts of wrong names, telling me they were coming to my house, meeting me and “half a mind to come over and punch me..”....yet I am the one who gets Banned, this fucking sub 🙄🙄🙄
Do not fool yourself, no one, and I mean no one is capable of sustaining. Your strength lies in your ability to walk away
If you are asking yourself or this group whether or not he/she is a narcissist, the answer is: it really doesn’t matter.
This person has obviously treated you like shit.
This person has obviously not shown you the love or care you need and deserve.
This person is so far away from anything resembling a decent human being that you’re googling their behaviour because it’s so foreign.
This person has done so much damage to you that you can’t think straight or trust your own gut/heart/mind.
This person has got such a hold on you that you think more about them than you do about yourself.
Sugar, narc or not, this person is a monster. And you deserve better than a monster.
That is all you need to know.
I feel like the narcissist had key words and phrases he would use. He would have said the same things to any other supply; it just happened to be me this time. He was loving, obsessive, attentive. But it always felt like I was simply filling a pre-conceived role in his life -- the role of the ideal partner, a fantasy person, like he wasn't even talking to me -- he was talking to an idea he had created, and when he realised I was actually a human being, the long, slow, subtle devaluation began.
The narcissist idealised me heavily during his love bombing phase, basically making me feel like I was the love of his life, and during this time he would also say truly terrible things about his previous supply.
When he and I were together, I found a letter to that previous supply, one he had written during their relationship, and it was full of the same overly loving, idealising language he had used towards me.
And when he was discarding me, suddenly I was the one he was saying the terrible things about, and the new supply was the "amazing" one.
They say some very unhelpful things like
But they love you! You need to forgive them Why can’t you let it go? They did the best they could They loved you in their own way They didn’t mean it But they’re family Nobody is perfect, they aren’t perfect You should forgive and forget
I have written my own responses to these ignorant comments. If people want to read how I respond to these I can post that too
Edit: people have been asking for my responses so here they are below
This email lists a number of frequent comments from my parents and other ignorant people who think they have something to say to me in response to the way I treat my parents.
Here I list a few of the things these ignorant people say, and my responses to them.
But they love you! They certainly express a loving sentiment, but from my experience and the evidence I have gathered, there is no loving behavior. In mentally ill people, loving sentiment rarely creates loving behaviors. They are not the same thing.
You need to forgive them. I have forgiven them, what I haven’t done is reconcile with them yet. Be careful not to confuse the two. Forgiveness is letting go of all hate and anger towards someone. Reconciliation is the restoration of the relationship after genuine repentance.
Why can’t you let it go? As a victim of trauma I need to talk about what happened in order for me to process it and move on. I am trying to let it go, but I can't unless there are people who will listen to my story. So telling me just to let it go is the opposite of what I need.
They did the best they could. That's very sad. Their absolute best attempt at parenting was severely abusive, I’d hate to see their worst.
They loved you in their own way. No they were abusive, and there is no love in abuse; love and abuse are mutually exclusive. The things that you point out that they have done that appear loving are true, however, that omits the times when they withheld love. Selective love bombing followed by love withholding is in fact a form of abuse, and I don’t blame you for not being aware of it since the abuse and love withholding happens behind closed doors. This is then usually followed by something along the lines of “you can’t prove that” which is bullshit because people wouldn’t say that to victims of financial abuse, physical abuse, or to rape. What makes psychological abuse any different? People tend to prefer blissful ignorance when it comes to the evil in the world. They would prefer to not learn
... keep reading on reddit ➡I’m 54 and my contact with them in recent years has been minimal. I haven’t had any contact in the past several months and that could end up being permanent. But......
....even with all of that space between us I still hear them question me, condemn me, etc. inside my head as I do things. Anyone else have this happen to them? Tips to overcome?
My mom loves to belittle and berate me and when I stand up for myself, she turns it on her and accuses me to be emotionally abusive and nasty. This has caused major issues for me in terms of my self-esteem and self-image and I often question whether I'm being a bad person for sticking up for myself in other areas of my life.
I (18F) am currently studying Computer Science Engineering and yesterday was discussing some random topic with my mom. I was telling my career plans to her(which was a mistake because she is a very negative person). So i told her by the time i will be 20 i'll graduate from engineering and i'll be 22 when i will post-graduate from mba. Off course they know i will have to move out because my city don't have any huge IT hub. (Also it's mandatory in my university to have a full time internship cum job throughout the final year of engineering. So i have an year before my internship right now.)
And suddenly she told me that when i will start earning i have to deposit my whole salary into her bank account and she will give me my pocket money from it till the day i marry. I was like huh? I was so disgusted and scared it felt like she is trying to leech off of me. I am from a south asian family (INDIAN) and i get it my parents are spending so much on my education i should pay them something back. I am ready to pay 1/4 of my salary but not my whole salary. It's not like they really need it. They definitely earn a lot, so much that they will never need my money.
Please tell me if i am overreacting or is it normal (or that's how indian parents are and they do have their son, who is going to take over their business). Because it feels like they want me to always stay dependent on them and they think i will still be dumb at 22 to handle my own money. So yes i have to pay for 5-6 years, till i turn 27 and get married.
I am planning to hide my money and pretend i earn less when i will start earning. But please tell me i am not overreacting or being a selfish human being for not giving my whole paycheck to them. And yes i am going to try my best to get an internship far away from home. But maybe they will ask for my internship money, maybe not. (Internships are underpaid a lot of the times)
Kindly ignore my mistakes. English is not my 1st language.
:- KINDLY leave some advice that worked for you. Thank you!
EDIT:- You guys are so good. Thank you so so much guys! , i can't reply to all of you. May god bless you all for your kind words. I'm gonna read every single comment :)
Thanks for the upvotes this is my first answer.
EDIT 2:- Guys i have got a rock solid plan now and your overwhelming response is really so kind of you guys, and helpful for not only me but also for others who urgently needed this.
Thank you once again!
~Love
*These ideas are taken out of a book called "Psychopath Free"*
I think many people who are empaths are very susceptible to certain personality types that are opposite of ours. The most extreme case to me would be a narcissist or also a sociopath. They prey on empathetic people simply because empathetic people have something they lack. In doing this, they tear down those empathetic qualities so they can gain them - but obviously this is a facade, which they typically can't keep up with.
The best description I've ever read defining these two is (including a psychopath)...
- Narcissist - hits you with their car but blames you for being in the way.
- Sociopath - hits you with their car, blames you for being in the way, then proceeds to back up and hit you again.
- Psychopath - hits you with their car, blames you for being in the way, backs up and hits you again, and does it a third time while laughing at your pain.
You see, not everyone who's a narcissist or sociopath or psychopath looks like a serial killer or what we see on TV. The worst types are the ones who subtly destroy your life, without you noticing that you lost everything until it's over. All three types manipulate in a way that is calculated and almost insidious. It's no accident.
I've gotten some personal requests asking what were some of things I specifically dealt in my relationship with a covert narcissist/NVM so I thought I make a post.
I'll never date someone-
-who tries to rush a relationship where I was meeting their best friends after 3 dates and meeting their family within a few months( this I even had to convince to postpone while he already met mine a month into dating).
-talks about their ex after 4 dates and how she cheated on them.
-love bombs me where they claim they love me only after 2 months of dating.
-tells me they think I'm the one, asking me to move into his place, pressuring me to stay over more only after a few months of dating.
-puts me onto a pedestal and tells me I'm perfect until I wasn't.
-idealizes a perfect partner, a perfect relationship. Flaws aren't acceptable.
-trying to be their best self in front of others but makes me feel miserable.
-one day just snaps at me out of nowhere claiming they feel traumatized from their ex and isnt sure about me or our relationship.
-tests my boundaries and tells me they hate how much I say no.
-idealizes me in the beginning saying I'm the best, I'm better than his ex TO I'm not enough no matter what I do or sacrifice for them. Then tells me to change but acts guilty for making me change while they don't do anything about it themselves.
-cries alot and blames every situation, conflict to others (their ex) but themselves.
-tells me they can't stand people who lies but finding out that they were the ones lying the whole time.
-breaks up with me during a couple therapy session saying their not happy, I'm not meeting their needs then cries and acts as if their the victim.
-isn't willing to communicate with me but talks about our relationship to his "one" friend.
-has toxic friends. One of his friends did 3 months of silent treatment to his gf for disagreeing with him. Another friend that he isn't friends with anymore because they were too busy fighting who was smarter.
-projecting all their insecurities onto me and never stops belittling me, my job, my passion, my life goals, hobbies, friends, and family.
-thinks their the "nice guy."
-cannot take criticism, doesn't apologize or even feel bad for their destructive actions.
-doesn't stop talking about their terrible ex.
-has an off family dynamic.
-obsessed with social media for attention after they discarded.
-walks faster than me, doesn't respect me and most importantly makes me
... keep reading on reddit ➡I only use mirror spells every so often, maybe once every couple of years. I only feel inclined to use them when I can specifically feel a psychic attack coming my way. Each time, from what I can tell, it works, but this one was the most aggressive (perhaps an indication of how much bad energy was being thrown my way). I had been dating a man for a few months and I had started to notice some of the signs of NPD and was starting to back away, then I found out about a ton of lies he was weaving around me, and then it ended in a pretty aggressive altercation where I had to have friends come and help me get out of the situation. A few days later I could feel this person's negativity being sent my way, it felt awful. As I normally do -- I'm a do no harm but take no shit kind of person -- I cast a simple mirror spell. Almost instantly I felt better. I ran into this person 5 days later and they looked awful; very thin, dark circles under the eyes, and every energetically off balance. I had come to find out the day I cast the spell he came down with salmonella poisoning and had been sick for 5 days. It sounded like he was being given back the shit he was trying to serve me to sit in himself. Who knows if he learned anything from it but I just wanted to share this story because it's one of the most wild stories I have from casting one of these. Make sure you always ground and protect and that you are also standing in integrity. I know I had felt like I wanted revenge at first but knew that would not solve anything or make it better. Hurt people hurt people, I don't want to add to that situation. But also...I won't take your shit, no thank you. <3
I find this quite amusing. We all seldom bother to express that we appreciate another’s content but we jump at the chance to talk about ourselves. Conversely those cretins over at r/empaths upvote everything but seldom have anything to actually say—strange coincidence? I think not.
Honestly I smile at this sentiment. It makes me feel bubbly. There is no dishonesty here, no niceties and no pretentious displays of kindness. We, who have to wear masks to fit in, have found a place where we have to remove our masks to fit in. I cherish this community of self-absorbed, self-gratifying societal rejects who don’t give a shit about one another—I feel at home.
Hi everyone,
I posted earlier, but because this is a different perspective/realization I had today, I decided to make an additional post. I hope it helps in some way.
My covert narcissist ex-friend used to tell me that I had to communicate with her using her language, her terminology, and whatever means she needed to avoid being upset or put into a flashback (she hid behind other diagnoses).
She said that if others called her manipulative, she would scream at them. She would often take screenshots of our conversations as "proof" and send them back to me to see if I'd be upset with her taking screenshots. It was as if it were some sort of test.
When I needed actual boundaries, she would use those words and screenshots against me. As all of this occurred, she said she was scared I would use her words against her and treat her "like a monster as everyone else had."
At the time I wondered if she couldn't control this part of herself, if she was actually kind and understanding deep down, and if I was the bad person for having needs. I thought that I had to be more understanding, that I wasn't giving enough of myself. The reality was that I gave her far more time than any close friends or family. All of them noticed. When I told her this, she thanked me but immediately pivoted to her "not being ready to be friends that only speak once every few days or weeks," mind you, the 99% of our friendship was online.
When some of her real life friends set boundaries and called her manipulative, she cowered and tried to make excuses, they did not allow themselves to be manipulated. As a result, she made herself out to the victim and showed others (including myself) screenshots of their conversations as evidence of them being terrible people, but the truth is now clear in hindsight.
I never heard that she screamed at them.
It was all nonsense. She would never have screamed at others, she didn't need her specific language used. She didn't need me to talk to her for hours on the phone, or to send pictures of myself smiling, or do so many things that her husband or real life friends/support system should have.
It was all to control the supply she received, and by extension, control me.
She still used guilt tripping, gaslighting, emotional/mental manipulation, and lovebombing, all to control me.
She sent me an 8 page letter after I went No Contact (I heard she wanted "closure" from an enabler, so I wanted to try and be kind, this was a mistake, please do not do this)
... keep reading on reddit ➡I didn't notice this until after he discarded me and I got some distance from the whole situation, but the ex N really doesn't have any/many real friends.
If you were to ask him, though, he would tell you that he has a handful of SUPER close, near and dear friends who he cherishes with all his heart. He will speak so poetically about them, how wonderful they are, how successful they are, how they are such great people...
But in reality, these people are just "regular" friends, maybe even just acquaintances. If you were to ask them how they saw my ex, they'd probably describe him as a friend they see once a year, if that. They certainly wouldn't consider him an extremely close friend. These people have their own large, healthy social circles and the N isn't really involved in that at all.
Looking at the whole picture now, it's kind of sad. This man has few friends in reality. Very few. And the ones he has he basically retained from his ex wife. So they're actually her friends more than his.
Is it common for Narcissists to be delusional about their social circles like this? Are they conscious of how few true friendships they actually have, or do they truly believe that these distant social relationships can be considered "best friends"?
And to be clear, this isn't a dig on people who have 1-2 friends. I have a total of 3 real friends, and I prefer it that way. But it seems like the Narcissist considers people very close friends when those same people would never include him on that list.
I've been thinking about narcissists and how a lot of them will use social media to hoover, cyberbully and harass us. But narcissists never tend to block you unless you show them you know who they really are and cause enough narcissistic injury.
Even then, they can always unblock and try to come back. Blocking for them is another way of "punishing" you and then when they think you've suffered enough (because we obviously suffer so much without their constant conflict) they come back.
The truth is, mostly only genuine people block others and mean it. Because normal people understand that blocking someone is a form of protection and peace. It's not a tool to punish someone or attempt to control them.
There was a request for more sections and red flags for abusive partners, especially when it comes to narcissistic partners, but I ran out of characters for the last post. HERE IS PART 2 - NARC EDITION
Once again if you see your partner exhibiting any of these traits PLEASE RUN. It is not worth the emotional damage caused by long term abuse. If you have any questions feel free to message me or comment below. Sadly, I'm pretty experienced with this subject.
SIGNS OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE
Gaslighting
Gaslighting uses 5 primary techniques: withholding, countering, blocking, trivializing and denial. When you speak up about an issue, the narcissist will deny it, minimize it and then react with anger and annoyance of their own. It causes the victim to question their own emotions and sanity and, over time, the victim becomes insecure and unsure of themselves.
- Me: "You said you were going to take out the trash and put your clothes away while I was at work" Him: "I never said that" Me: "Yeah, I asked you earlier and you said ok" Him: "You must have said it while I was gaming I don't remember that. You have to make sure I'm paying attention when you ask me to do something"
- "You were the one that wanted to do polyamory, you started all of this" (absolutely not, he had been talking about threesomes and poly within the first year of our marriage and pushed the idea on me)
- "You're getting your relationship advice from someone that doesn't know anything. Your friends are just going to take your side, you shouldn't listen to them."
- "Yeah, I did X, Y, and Z to her, but I told you about it after and I didn't c*m so we can work through this. I don't know why you're so upset about it, I wish I didn't tell you what I did, then you wouldn't be upset. Hey, you hurt my feelings 4 years ago when you did X and I forgave you for it."
- "I can't give you space to cool off when we're fighting cause it feels like you're ignoring me and hurts my feelings. We need to work things out now" (usually saying this while yelling and then it would push me into having a panic attack)
Isolation
To get away with their reign of terror and manipulation, the narcissist will seek to isolate their victim and drive a wedge between you and your family and friends. Narcissists need to shrink your world for them to maintain control over their vic
... keep reading on reddit ➡I wonder if this is a common thing with narcissists, but they seem to have this hypocritical
thing when it comes to jokes. My narcissistic parents have this thing of
making offensive and just very personal hurtful comments, and calling them ‘just jokes’.
And when i don’t take them very well, they would get mad and say ‘i am too sensitive’.
But when it comes to themselfs, the narcissists can’t ever take a joke
or can’t take sarcasm in the slighest ways.
My narcissistic parents always say
that i should be aware of which joke i make, because some ‘can be offensive sometimes’.
Like, isn’t THAT what you guys do ALL THE TIME? I can’t make joke, but they can, and theirs are ten times more offensive and discriminatory in nature. But my parents get offended
easily by my jokes, and i never try to make the same type of
offensive jokes like they do, mines are just innocent teasing. But they can’t handle
me teasing them a bit, cause they’ll get offended very easily.
In my childhood my parents would often tell me to stop making jokes,
cause ‘they can’t see if i am serious about them or not’. But when i tell
them i don’t see their jokes as very funny and i feel hurt by them,
i am a psychopath and something’s wrong with me. They always
make excuses for their offended behavior, i can’t get offended, but they can,
cause they have a better reason to get offended.
