It's-a Mr. E
Why was the Headless Horseman never invited to business parties?
๐ Because he couldnโt get a-head in life.
What did the eye say to the other eye?
๐ Eye see you.
Why didnโt the right-handed man ask the other man if he was alright?
๐๐ป The other man was left-handed.
Why is the letter U upset about televison?
๐บ Because U isnโt included in it.
How come the letter Y hates asking questions?
โThe response is always, โY, you ask?โ
Why did the horse become a comedian?
๐ด He was very fun-neigh.
Why did Mrs. Banana leave Mr. Banana?
๐ They had a split.
What do you get when you cross a doctor and a lemon?
๐ Lemon-aid.
Why do the spices argue a lot?
๐ง Because theyโre salty.
Why did the noodle have to go to bed?
๐ It was pasta-his bed time.
What did Mr. Volcano say to Mrs. Volcano?
๐ I lava you.
Why do the gardening tools hate Stacy?
๐ชด Stacyโs a hoe.
Why are you beautiful?
๐Because โBe youโ is in the word itself.
The last one is more heartwarming than funny, but I thought itโd be included.
Turns out It was a wheel of fortune
You won't believe what happened today!! I was trimming the bushes, "doing my thang" when a little space ship flew right over OUR house. I was trying to get a good look at it but the lights were so bright I couldn't look at it without hurting my eyes. Suddenly, I heard a loud "whooosh" and standing in front of me was AN ALIEN!! Let me tell you this alien was badโฆ..assss. Looked super strong and super tough and I knew I had my hedge clippers to fight with but I said to myself, "I don't know this alien looks like a pretty rough customer"ย All of a sudden though, the neighbors, the Vartiks, come rushing out and Mrs Vartik says, "Mr Craig stand back!!" Mr Vartik jumps up in the air and his body transforms like a Transformer or one of those Voltrons I was telling you about. Mrs Vartik twists into a giant leg. Mr Vartik is the torso and connects to his wife, the leg. Paige, his daughter who goes to Dowse High with Aidan, turns into an arm with a built in laser cannon. Dmitri, his son turns in the left arm, holding this shape shifting shield. Angelo, the dog with a frisbee in his mouth jumps up and forms into an assault leg with 360 degree swivel action boom he locks into place. So I'm like "where's the head"? That's when the stroller, with baby Greg inside, pogo sticks up over the rest of the body and becomes this "cooler than Master Chief in Halo or Captain John Price in CoD" looking warrior head. Immediately, this Super Fighter starts going head to head with this alien, and the alien is tough but this Super Fighter just does some crazy stuff and is shooting lasers and launching missiles and boom doing UFC kicks and he kicks this alien's butt. The alien jumps back in his ship and tries to get away but the Super Fighter reaches into it's leg and pulls out Angelo's frisbee and throws it so hard at the alien spaceship as it's flying away that it looks like a fireball and it hits the alien ship and it blows up. So I look at the Super Fighter made out of our neighbors and it's awkward, I don't know what to say. So I look up at the baby Greg head and say, "who are you? what are you?" And it says; "I'm..... a ๐๐ข๐ฎ๐ช๐ญ๐บ๐ฎ๐ข๐ฏ!'
So my sister is writing a research paper for her PhD and it involves titanium dioxides. This is an actual email my Dad sent the family email chain while we were discussing the paper (all names have been changed for privacy):
โ"Aunt Jane! Can you use the term titanium dioxides in a sentence so we can better understand its meaning?" asked her curious niece at the Thanksgiving family meal.
"Sure" said Dr Doe, "Mr and Mrs Tanium ran a tannery for years. Their son Ty used to shoot water buffaloes for sport, but his parents convinced him that he should at least save the pelts. So now his parents and Ty Tanium dye ox hides!"
Beat that one!
Dadโ
One of my kids walked up and asked if I wanted to hear a joke, here's how that went.
-
"Mr. tman916x my friend David lost is I.D.! What should we call him?"
-
I don't know, what?
-
"Dave!"
Needless to say I was pretty impressed.
A Dad At Nearby Table: What is the difference between Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb?
(Silence)
Dad: A PhD!
/Good enough for popsicle sticks
