Who came between Mr. D and Mr. F?

It's-a Mr. E

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sfowl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
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For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating.

I scored full Marks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuasarSandwich
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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I'd like to have a word with Mr. Sippy

...about why all the damn esses? And why it takes a full consarn second to say his wife's name.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2017
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I was taught to never use the Oxford comma

by Mrs. Henderson, my high school English teacher and a first-rate whore.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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I have never been married...

But, I've had a few near Mrs.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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Mr. Ed

Man, I was worried when Mr. Ed had to be hospitalized. But now I've heard he's back home and his condition is stable.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spinoza418
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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I was driving absentmindedly and my wife suddenly said, β€œHey, you missed a right!”

I said, β€œThanks babe. You Mrs. Right!”

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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I threw an engagement ring at my girlfriend, but she dodged out of the way.

It was a near Mrs.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leif_hans
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

β€œIt’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff”, said the bartender.

β€œJust call me Hoff”, he replied.

β€œSure”, said the bartender, β€œno hassle”.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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Eye wouldn’t miss the opportunity eye-there
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-JasonTe
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?

What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?

Looks like reindeer.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sandyatk445
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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Since they are filming Spider-Man 3 near my house, I thought I’d write the lead actor an orchestral piece...

I think I’ll call it β€œMr. Holland’s Opus”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leeericewing
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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Santa to Mrs. Claus: do you hear that noise?

Mrs Claus: It's only rain dear.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/myhomebasenl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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What is the only American State that has ever been married?

Mrs. Ippi.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rabid_Badger_83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Santa forgot to check the weather

Its Christmas eve and santa claus has forgotten to check the weather before his Christmas run . Just before leaving he asks Mrs claus "what's the weather like for tonight?" "Rain dear" she replies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/generic_what
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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What happens if you drink too much history?

European History.

H/t Mr Miller from 1982. This was how he started class.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dwhitnee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyes_and_teeth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

Tennish

(RIP Mr Connery πŸ˜”)

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cryolithicdd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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You and your wife are playing hockey and she shoots

She Mrs. the net!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asadleafsfan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit

No more Mr. Knife guy

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllKnowingBurrito
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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I had my temperature read today for a Covid screening, and it read 200 degrees

That’s why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moneybuystruth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.

Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LargeBigHuge
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?

I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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Did you hear about Putin's arch enemy?

His name was Mr.Takeout (before he killed himself with a mysterious bullet to the back of the head)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vagabondsadhu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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"Dad, I don't remember that guy's name, what is it?"

Mr. E.!

(Came to me in a flash, totally whooshed my son unfortunately)

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDDDouble
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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"What do you call a freshly cooked fried chicken?"

"Hried hikhen! Hoh! Hoh!"

(shout out to my friend's uncle, Mr. Ghani, for this joke)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paanovrtd
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Mr. Bigger held his newborn son.

Who was taller?

The baby was a little Bigger.

Mr. Bigger went to the hydroelectric plant.

Now he's Bigger by a dam site.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Newbosterone
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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What do you call a man who falls off a rocky ledge but holds on long enough to

Cliff Hanger... Or Mr Hanger if your being formal.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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A seal waddles into a bar...

The bartender asks,"What will it be mr. Seal?"

He replies,"Anything but a Canadian Club!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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Why did Mr Potato have a mobile phone?

Just in case Mr Onion rings.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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Congratulations to user Mrspeedemon!

Let Mr. PeeDemon know he's a lucky man.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the wealthy dude who makes bread on YouTube called?

Mr Yeast

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheUltimateDoggo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.

When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking. "No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedDogBoyMark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I've never been married

but I've had a few near Mrs.

πŸ‘︎ 309
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oh-no-gawdzirra
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve never been married.

But I’ve had a few near Mrs.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/potato_fish12
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I've never been married

But I've had a few near Mrs

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brillmedal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I have never been married....

....but, I've had a few near Mrs.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
We were driving yesterday, and suddenly my wife turned to me and said, β€œHey, you missed a right”.

I said, β€œThanks babe. You MRS. right.”

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
[Driving] My wife: Hey, you missed a right.

Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
[On the highway] My wife: Hey, you missed a right!

Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report

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