Morne Puns

I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...

The police are looking into it.

Because they 8-2 much

That plumber has some sense of humour

I told her it's okay, I can stop anytime.

Credit to @meetbuford on TikTok for this.

But usually I let her sleep.

Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey

"Hamster?" she laughed, "That's a snake".

Amazingly there was no congestion for 8 hours!

Is the breakfast of champignons

I don’t know what to make of it.

Ofcourse it does! With my salary I can't afford any Champagne!

A chill pill.

"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."

Judge: "ok.... then? "

Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."

Judge: "what?"

Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"

He was checking his Balance.

Cannot believe Gaviscon

They just got back from a moving sale.

He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation

problem is i don't wake up until 7:15

Me, eyebrow raised: “And why is that sweetheart?”

Her: “Because mine has a crack in it!”

I actually laughed. I don’t really know where she heard the joke or if she even knows why it’s funny, but it’s a good start to the day.

Proud dad moment.

I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.

I’m afraid someone roofied me

I’ve been pronouncing it wrong my whole life!

Luckily it finally dawned on me.

🤦🏻‍♂️ Got a big 12 pound brisket on the grill today, and several more dad jokes in the chamber. Doin dad stuff.

Customers are lined up for blocks.

Wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover."

The husband replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The headline was “pun and ten dead” (meant to sound like pun intended.)

Definitely not the best but it was kinda funny. He was definitely pleased with it

"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".

That was a mistake, I should've just let her sleep

my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"

Cough-ee☕☕☕

Because dawn is tough on Greece.

I'm going vegan today.

I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce.

Now give me my 7 upvotes

Later as I walked past the hive where it came from I said "Thank you bees for making the best honey in the world." A few shouted back "It's good but we wouldn't say it was the best honey in the world."

Oh I thought, they must be humble bees.

Time to get bread-y for the day🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞

"Good I might"

I said "should we ground it?"

It's a joint effort

Then I got tired so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box!

Apparently they all look the same and I should have left it in the yard.

It’s a vicious cycle.

It was mugged.

After awhile, it clicked

I think I’m being stalked.

It was a very fuelish mistake.

It's under control now.

Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

What he was doing in my underwear, I'll never know

It was a big leak of faith.

Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."

It gives me something to dew.

I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.

I just shrugged

I said: Yolk k

I said, "No, not particularly."

I think he is slowly losing the plot...

I’ve had a stiff neck all day

Judge: Why did you bring a taser to your lecture?

Defendent: Well you see sir, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. But I’m not a big fan of soft drinks or coffee, so I thought the next best thing was to give me a good shock.

The others are still wearing a t-shirt and pants!

I'd hate for him to fall asleep at the wheel.

When my wife asks where we went, I tell her we were just running Aarons.

Got my teen son with this one today.

Son: Dad, you shaved your hair.

Me: Yep, we’re Opposites.

Son: (puzzled look)

Me: I’m bald...You have long hair

I’m old... You’re young

I’m big...You’re small

I’m incredibly handsome...(son eye roll);

short pause...You’re incredibly footsome.

Son: (stomps out of the room)

i don’t really know how to feel about that

I thought to myself "I really should buy her a fry pan "

It was grounds for divorce.

Clawfee

Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.

It's cold, that's why it's called a brrrr-ritto.

I think it’s got car owner virus

A [beep]ing nightmare.

Hebrewed it.

A kup-o coffee.

He was a small arms dealer.

She said, "Meh."

So I immediately said, "You heard it here, folks, it's a meh zing."

It's a joint effort

It’s a running joke.

My plumber's got a weird sense of humour.