Accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning...
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy.
Either way, the silver bullets worked.
π︎ 149
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
Damn, I mist the morning post
π︎ 38
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
My wife blindsided me this morning with this....
So I've been wanting to sell my motorcycle for a while but haven't gotten around to it.
While in the car this morning I saw a sign for a local shop that read "We buy used motorcycles." I pointed it out to her and she replies with, "if that's not a sign, I don't know what is."
I was so proud.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
I was left a package this morning. On the front in big red letters it said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND"
I thought to myself, how the f**k am I supposed to pick it up?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
This happened with me today morning. My phone's headphone jack isn't working so I asked my dad what to do about it.
He said, "Let's get a headphone Jill, then!"
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
As my daughter opened her last gift on Christmas morning with a sad look in her eyes...
I said: βIf you think thatβs the end, youβve got another thing coming!β
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
Monday mornings smh
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
Instead of water, I accidentally put RedBull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning.
I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
π︎ 60
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
So my friend just made my morning
π︎ 43
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
I went out to my car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
π︎ 19
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, βDad get out of the way!β
I said, βYouβre the ones blocking!β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Jun 27 2020
I saw my neighbor talking to her cat this morning...
It was clear she thought the cat understood her.
I came inside and told my dog. We had a good laugh about that.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
My grandma had a terrible seizure this morning....
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
I have a busy morning at work, but had to take a poop...
I ainβt got time for this shit.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
This morning I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculatorsβ support group
But it turns out that itβs tomorrow
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
A bug hit my windshield on the way to work this morning
I said βI bet you donβt have the guts to do that againβ
π︎ 27
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
Why was the baker desperate in the morning?
Because he kneaded flour before the buyers arrived.
(Thanks, I will go now)
π︎ 16
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︎ Nov 13 2020
I apologized to my toilet this morning.
He doesnβt even get paid, but he has to put up with all this shit.
π︎ 28
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︎ Nov 24 2020
Sad to report the death of the founder of Dulux paint. He died this morning from hypothermia on top of a mountain.
It's been reported he could have done with another coat.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow Iβm returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
π︎ 429
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
My daughter ate a dvd this morning...
Was later released as a poo-ray
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
π︎ 40k
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︎ Apr 10 2020
A conversation with my 11 year old this morning...
Son: Dad, there's a hole in your t-shirt.
Me: I know, it's my religious t-shirt.
Son: gives me a blank look
Me: It's holy!
π︎ 39
π
︎ Oct 10 2020
Saw a kidnapping at the local park this morning
He mustβve been knackered, even his mum couldnβt wake him up
π︎ 15
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︎ Nov 03 2020
There I was this morning, sitting and drinking Coffee in my slippers , and I thought to myself..
..I really need to clean a few mugs around here.
π︎ 157
π
︎ Sep 26 2020
I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.
Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?
π︎ 107
π
︎ Sep 20 2020
An hour before 5 in the morning is the best time to cook a sweet potato.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 10 2020
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
Hey girl!! Are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you everyday.
π︎ 190
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
This morning I killed a huge spider with my shoe
I donβt care how big a spider is, Nobody steals my shoe!
π︎ 14
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
From the mouths of babes (in this case my seven year old daughter as I was leaving this morning...)
Daughter: Dad, it's really STUPID out there today. You'd better take your dumbrella.
Me: I've never been more proud.
π︎ 129
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
Every morning I plan on making pancakes.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
The cheese shop next door exploded this morning.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chap stick this morning.
She's still not speaking to me.
π︎ 71
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
Shit my first turkey this morning.
Scared the daylights out of the people in the frozen food section
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
Got this from my 7 yr old this morning while he was getting in the car and didnβt get the door closed completely.
When is a door also a good container?
When itβs ajar.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
my wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.
she's worked very hard and i know it's been difficult for her, but i'm very proud. she's in possibly the best shape of her life and she is once again confident in her own body, but i will endlessly love her despite what she looks like.
what, were you expecting me to say something about a baby?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
Letting you all know that I've volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials held here in Melbourne. I received my first shot at 9.00 am this morning
Itβs completely safe with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveΡ, and im currently feelshΞΊΞΉ ΟoΟoshΟ Ρ ΡΡΠ²ΡΡΠ²ΡΡ ΡΠ΅Π±Ρ Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ ΡΡΡΠ°Π½Π½ΠΎ ΠΈ Ρ Π΄ΡΠΌΠ°Ρ, ΡΡΠΎ Π²ΡΡΠ°ΡΠΈΠ» ΠΎΡΠ»ΠΈΠ½ΡΠ΅ ΡΡΠΈ.
π︎ 106
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that Iβm going for a jog and then I donβt...
Itβs my longest running joke of the year so far...
π︎ 12k
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︎ May 27 2020
My 4y olds temp is a bit high this morning so I told her she was as sick as a dog we have to take her to the vet.
She was a bit scared a very confused until we showed up at grandmas house as usual. Happy Veterans Day to my mom and those who served ! and thanks to all of you that are AD | NAD | TRS | TAMP for your service.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
This morning instead of getting the Vodka bottle I accidentally got the water bottle
I started freaking out thinking that I lost my taste
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
I Rain every morning πββοΈ
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 11 2020
I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
π︎ 191
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
There I was this morning, sitting and drinking coffee in my slippers, I thought to myself...
I really need to clean some mugs
π︎ 146
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
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