Osama bin laden took a ancestry test and found out he was 78% middle eastern 8% chololate and 14% coconut

It was due to the bounty on his head

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yodogg14
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
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I don't care what anyone says, on a digital clock, the lower horizontal bit on the 8 is better than the middle or top bit...

And that's the bottom line.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
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My dad told me this joke 8 years ago. What do you call a cow standing in the middle of a field?

A cow.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iRonnie16
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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How do you tell which end of a worm is which?

Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guy2things
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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My daughter(7) just caught me off guard with this.

Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name?

Me: the same as mommies, I think

Daughter: her middle name is just i think?

I'm so proud. Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried.

πŸ‘︎ 333
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πŸ‘€︎ u/podolot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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A doctor was teaching a class, and wanted to give a pop quiz about tolerance and observance when dealing with the cadavers. (L) (On Mobile)

Teacher: β€œSo I want everyone to understand that a dead body isn’t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with one”

The teacher has everyone turn their body over

Teacher: β€œNow I want you all to stick your finger in it’s ass and hold it in there for a moment”

all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first

Teacher: β€œOkay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I do”

The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked

As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, β€œnow see it’s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my class”.

With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wonkagloop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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If you hear something, say something

I originally posted this in r/MaliciousCompliance, but several commenters thought it would be good here as well. I hope this isn't a re-run for too many of you.

This was years ago when my son was starting middle school. I was transporting him and a group of his new friends. One of the friends was French, and spoke French at home. My son mentioned that I had taken French in high school, and so one of his friends asked me to say something in French and see if French girl could understand me.

Before I go on, a note on parenting style: we joke around with our kids all the time. I know that not all parents joke with their children; some of my kids' friends enjoyed to a dad who makes a joke, and some would look at me like I grew a second head.

So I said to the French girl, Β«quelque choseΒ». Immediately the friends turned to French girl and asked "What did he say?"

I waited, wondering whether she would join my joke.

A sly smile crept across her face as she said, "he said...something". The rest of the trip, the friends tried to convince her to reveal what it was that I had said. Β«quelque choseΒ» is the French phrase for "something".

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mermaldad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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Did you hear that they're replacing two letters of the alphabet? Instead of T, you have to say "Clowns". Instead of V, you need to say "Jokers". I refuse to use them, but I was singing the alphabet when they changed them, so I have a problem...

Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with U.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie,” he says, β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

πŸ‘︎ 122
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...

So there were 6 of us...

With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)

There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".

Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"

The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.

Best day of my comedic life

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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Dog Turd Shopping Spree

Kids were out in the yard cleaning up their dogs landmines with a scooper and putting it in a wheelbarrow.

Middle daughter (Pushing wheelbarrow) : Mom, it's like a cart for poops.

Wife : It's a shopping cart for doggie poops.

Me (Looks wife like shes lost her mind) : Jesus woman, HOW MUCH SHIT DID YOU BUY ?

Right over the kids' heads.

E* Spelling.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MentalMaybe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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My father was in the army...

And I remember he used to be stationed in exotic places all over the world. Once he came back home with a very exotic looking bird. I asked him what kind of a bird it was and he told me it’s a rare almost extinct species called a Foux (pronounced Foo). This foux was the apple of his eye and he would take care of the bird as if it was his own child. Sometime during this period the Foux began developing a real bad case of constipation and my father was really worried about it. He tried all kinds of medicines to make the Foux pass it’s bowels, but nothing was working. One day, during this period, I woke up to a huge argument taking place between my parents. My mom was accusing him of cheating on her during one of his tours, she had found some pictures of him and another woman and he was denying it vehemently. I realized then that my father had been quite the philanderer and this wasn’t the first time he had been caught. My mom was trying to get him to just admit to his indiscretion.

β€œWhy don’t you just admit it Harry”, she said;

but he stuck to his denial,

β€œYou think I could ever do something like this Sarah”, he said.

Right then amidst all this ruckus, the Foux began to take a dump, in the middle of the living room.

My mom looked at the bird, then looked back at my dad and with a sense of resignation she just said β€œWell if the Foux shits...”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RangaRedRascal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Why is the letter T like an island?

Because they are both in the middle of waTer

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Passmeabeernow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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My friend didn't believe me that Slash was in AC/DC

C'mon he is right there in the middle !

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Walk in the woods

Two guys are walking through a forest when they come across a lamppost. The first guy turns to the second and says "Whats a lamppost doing out in the middle of knowhere" and the second replies. "That's Narnia business"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirFallsAlot32
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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An electrician, a mecanician and an informatician are making a roadtrip

They're in a car in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly, the car starts making noise and stops completely.

The electrician quickly says: it must be the spark plugs! I will take a look and change them.

The mecanician responds : no it's the transmission! I gotta jack the car and make sure the clutch is ok.

The informatician confidently asks: what if we just get out of the car and come right back in?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaWitcher1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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The set up sucks but I thought it was pretty smart

A man makes an outline of a duck and cuts it out. An egg falls right in the middle. Now he has an egg in stencil crisis

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nojuicing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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So I was talking to my friend yesterday about their recent accident

They told me that recently they had come into ownership of a small ball of string. At first, they thought nothing of it. One day, they walked into their house and the ball of string was on the table, when they had specifically left it in a closet. They put it away again, but the next day when they came home from work, the ball was on the table again. It kept happening, and eventually it became a sort of game for my friend. They'd leave it somewhere they thought it could never come back from, and return to find it on their table.

Then it began to appear in other places.

It appeared in the middle of a company meeting. One moment, the table was empty, the next, it had a ball of string in the middle. While driving, they spotted it in the back of their car. They saw it inside of a vending machine. But at the end of every day it would return to their table.

Eventually, my friend decided enough was enough. They took the string, and threw it off a bridge into a river. As they were driving home, a car swerved and hit them, wrecking both cars. My friend staggered to check on the other driver, and all he found was a small pile of soggy string on the seat.

After that, he never saw the string again.

So after he told me this tale, I turned to him, and said, "Wow... that was quite a yarn."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justcaleb2001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Why is the letter B so cool?

Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrumSpace
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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I asked my son what class he was in after lunch.

'Middle,' he said, 'same as before lunch.'

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_bowker-brown
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Picky eater results in epic dad joke from my daughter...

My middle child, who loves rice, declined the yellow rice we offered him because apparently he only likes one type of rice.

Without missing a beat my daughter (11 y/o) exclaimed, "stop being rice-ist."

My job is done, clearly there is no more I can teach her.

πŸ‘︎ 688
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Nik
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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If 6 was afraid of 7 bc it ate 9, why was 10 scared?

Bc it was in the middle of 9/11

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaoscontrol71
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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A sandwich is a compromise

Meat in the middle

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whatastupidpunt
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but you're a rope. I can't serve you, and I'm not even sure how I could. Please leave."

A short time later, the rope comes back into the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender, a bit annoyed at the situation, says, "Look, I told you I can't serve you. Just go away."

A few hours later, the rope comes back in again.

The bartender is getting mad now. "Look, I told you twice that I can't serve alcohol to a rope! Now get out and STAY OUT!"

Dejectedly, the rope leaves the bar and sits at the curb until a gentleman passes by. Suddenly, the piece of rope has an idea.

"Excuse me", says the rope, "but could you do me a favor?"

"Um... me?" says the puzzled gentleman. "Uh... I guess so..."

"Great! I just need you to tie a big ol' knot right in my middle."

"Well," says the gentleman. "I just so happens I was a former Eagle Scout. Here you go," and ties a perfect knot in the rope. "Will that be all?"

The rope pauses for a second and says, "Actually, could you pull apart my ends and unravel them for a bit?"

The gentleman obliges and goes on his merry way. The piece of rope, satisfied at its new appearance, heads back into the bar.

Furious, the bartender shouts, "HEY! Aren't you that same piece of rope I kicked out three times already?!?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernameshortage
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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The origin of the word β€œocean”

An old Irishman and his wife were walking along the seashore. He pointed out to the waves and said, β€œMolly, do you know why it’s called the β€˜sea?’ Because when you’re out in the middle of it, it’s the only thing you can see!”

And Molly sighed, rolled her eyes, and said, β€œOh, Sean...”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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My proudest dad joke

This actually happened a couple years ago, but I've decided to finally come out if lurking to share it here.

I was on a trip with some friends and we had stopped for lunch. We weren't very busy so my buddy and I shared a plate of wings and a couple pitchers of beer. When it came to pay, the bill was $20.01 (I don't remember how much it actually was, but it was an odd number) and we just split the bill down the middle. When we got our checks, his had the extra penny. We joked about him paying so much more, and so I said I would add an extra penny to my tip, plus one more penny to one up him.

Afterwards when we were walking out my buddy turned to me and said "do you think she'll she even notice?" I said "I like to think that she will notice and maybe chuckle at it. Besides pennies can add up and make a difference, but that's just my 2 cents"

I am not a dad yet. But I definitely feel the fatherly humor running through my veins.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kjc2022
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?

Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.

πŸ‘︎ 195
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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U2 is having a concert in northern Ireland.

Halfway through the show, the music stops and Bono stands middle stage clapping his hands every few seconds. "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies" Without missing a beat, from somewhere in the front of the crowd a man bellows out in a thick Irish accent: "Well stop fucking doing it ya evil bastard!"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/facts_my_guyy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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Bad collection of puns

Remember, only come here for cringe, Because this is the ultimate Pun Collection.

  1. What does McDonalds say to the tray when it betrays them? "You traytor!"
  2. Does Spider Man live in an egg? Because i heard he lives in New Yolk.
  3. These puns aren't very eggciting.
  4. lettuce taco bout it?
  5. I will asalt you with puns!
  6. What if your problem involves telling a phone? JUST TELEPHONE ALREADY!
  7. What if Jake stands close to Johnny when talking? He Here's Johnny!
  8. Stop asalting my hard with your judging pursesonality!
  9. I'll play the Yandere Simulater later.
  10. You herd about that show? It's called Spongebob Swearpants.
  11. Why did you diss stew me? (kinda hard to get, but just say it out loud.)
  12. What does someone say sarcastically in the middle of an intense war that was caused by someone? TANKS TO YOU!
  13. What type of plane that loves bounce? Boeing!
  14. How many money did we owe? It said it on the letter right? I don't know, you should've reddit!

I'm sorry for the cringe...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titanium_Steel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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In the old Wild West there was a notorious gang of dangerous outlaws, they’d just attacked a town.

The sheriff decided that he needed to stop them so he rounded up his deputies and they rode out in search of the gang.

After a couple of days everyone was tired and hungry so one of the deputies rode up to sheriff and said β€œLook sheriff we are all too tired, why don’t you guys rest up here and I’ll ride 4 miles north and two miles east and see if I can’t find us some grub?, I’ll be back by morning”

The sheriff agrees and off the deputy rides 4 miles north and two miles east.

The next morning the deputy returns with all his packs full of bacon! The sheriff says β€œwhere the hell did you get all that bacon out here in the middle of nowhere!”

Deputy says β€œwell you see sheriff I rode 4 miles north and 2 miles east and I swear to god there’s this bacon tree just sitting there! A tree that is full of bacon!”

β€œBullshit!” Says the sheriff β€œyou stay here I’m going to check this out!”

So off the sheriff rides the same as the deputy did.

The next morning the deputy see’s the sheriff crawling towards the camp with arrows sticking out of his back.

Deputy says to the sheriff β€œ Boss what the hell happened!”

The sheriff looks up from the ground and says β€œBACON TREE, BACON TREE, that wasn’t a damn bacon tree you idiot it was a Hambush!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FleetChief
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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There's a Fine Line Between a Bad Joke and a Dad Joke

You can see it in the middle of the "B"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mwnciau
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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What do Canada and Mexico have in common?

They have us in the middle.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lshawel
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.

Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.

The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)"

Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!)

The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own.

"Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance).”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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Fascinate

A class of third graders are sitting down at their desks one morning when their teacher walks in.

β€œGood morning class, today we’ll be working on our English. Can someone use the word Fascinate in a sentence for me?”

Little girl in the front row raises her hand high, squirming in her seat. β€œThe stars last night were fascinating.”

Teacher looks at her and says,”Close, I want you to use the word Fascinate.”

A boy near the middle of the room stands up and says,”I’m fascinated by the ocean and it’s creatures.”

β€œThat’s still not the answer I’m looking for.” The teacher says. β€œCan anyone give me an example of Fascinate in a sentence.”

A quiet boy in the back stands up, clears his throat and says,”My grandmother came over last night wearing her new dress. It has ten buttons in the the front but her boobies are so big she can only fasten eight of them.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LiCill666
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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This is a bad joke.

I do not want to get viral in the middle of a pandemic anyways.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/panzerboye
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same Middle Name

πŸ‘︎ 258
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

The same middle name

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

They both have the same middle name."

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/behrkon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Southern_Sir78
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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οΏΌ What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/herumdegumff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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What do Alexander the Great, Winnie the Pooh, and Chance the Rapper have in common?

Same middle name.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afranc72
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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Why does 10 have PTSD

Because he was in the middle of 9 11

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Panda2377
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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Why is an island like the letter T?

because it’s in the middle of water

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pandacoat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

Their middle name

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pengoobanana
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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