My cat got sick, so I had to give it some pills. To make my life easier, I wrapped it up in ham.
When it couldn’t run away I could jam the pills in no problem.
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
I was the only one in the family who believed in my brother to become a ninja, so when my dad said „he will never make it“
I posted this on r/memes a while ago and it didn't blow up or somthing. I am just so proud of this it makes me laugh every time
i have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth
Why is it so difficult to make new friends?
There’s a new drug going around that is nicknamed “angle”. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and don’t want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.
I guess I’m just too square to try angle.
Why is it so hard to make an appointment at the library?
I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.
If this makes me a bad person for laughing at this then so be it its a joke
I recently misplaced some of my game pieces for Yahtzee, and honestly it’s been hell, so I decided to make some posters to put up around the apartment complex:
So I noticed that I might not make it to my appointment today
I asked my boss: Can I get a rain-check?
my boss: "yeah, there's no rain today."
Thought of a Star Trek pun this morning and had to make it so.
When a book series is so good that they make it into an audio book...
It really speaks volumes.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
So it's past 4 am for me and my mind decided to make this. are you proud internet?
It was a lovely movie and I had a hot date, so I asked her to whisper something in my ear that would make my heart beat faster. She gave me this sly little smile and then she replied,
"Don't look now, but your wife is sitting right behind us."
"It would be Solo of me to make jokes about that typo" - my boyfriend laughed so much he cried - at his own joke
So I decided to make a tinder profile and I thought you guys would appreciate it more than the girls in my area.
imgur.com/1dVN6Ax
I love water so much it f*cking makes me wet.
So, I went to my doctor today due to a constant headache. He told me I should drink more scrumpy to numb it and I asked "Wouldn't that just make me drunk?"
He told me "Oh, that's just a cider-effect".
I miss my SO a lot. I end up kissing and hugging thin air and she says it makes me look ridiculous. How do I recalibrate my aim? (r/fifthworldproblems)
reddit.com/r/fifthworldpr…
All men should make coffee. It says so in the Bible
My sister in the US Navy broke her foot, and has to wear tennis shoes instead of boots, to properly heal. She said that they made her buy new black shoes, instead of her normal shoes. She said that it just seemed so petty to make her do that...
I told her that it sounded like a decision that came from a Petty Officer.
So I was using the level kit to make sure my shelf was straight. I dropped the thing and it hit me right on the head
Guess I’m a level-headed individual
I was supposed to make a model plane that coyld fly, but it didn't work. So I decided to wing it.
A son says to his dad, "Hey I'm going to get a soda, you need anything?". The dad says, "Yeah, get me a beer. Actually, make it two cans.". The son goes into the kitchen and is gone for about an hour and a half. The door opens up and he asks his son, "What the hell took so long?".
The son says, "Well it wasn't easy. I had to go to like three different pet stores before I found one that sold toucans.".
I told my sister "one time, a teacher of mine gave me a list of 10 puns so that I could make sense of them." She asked " well, did any of them make sense?" I told her "No pun in ten did." My sister laughed and said "I get it, did you intend that?" I said "Nope, unintended."
My grandma makes blankets using a loom. She crafted the latest one so well that it'll never fray or fall apart!
It's the first day of Autumn so let's make like Humpty Dumpty!!
I asked dad why it makes him so uncomfortable to discuss the possibility of me moving into the garage?
He said "It's too close to home".
I've been here a while now and I really like it. So I'll like to make a toast
My boyfriend and I have been playing this game for a while now and it makes us laugh every time. Here are some of my faves so far. Feel free to add your own!
What kind of underwear does Zeus wear?
..............Thunderwear!
What kind of underwear does a pirate wear?
.............plunderwear!
What kind of underwear does the NRA wear?
...............gunderwear!
What kind of underwear does a tyrannical leader wear?
............Attila the Hunderwear!
What kind of underwear does a Spanish person wear?
...............Juanderwear?
can you think of some more? :)
She didn't hear it the first time so I had to make it twice.
Context: Getting a massage from my lady friend last night. I had a pretty rough knot in my shoulder.
Her: "I can't get this knot out where did it come from?"
Me: "I must have been naughty [knotty]" I started laughing.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing, it was a terrible joke."
5 minutes later: "Seriously, this knot wasn't there last week why is it so hard to get out?"
"I must have been really naughty"
I got a groan that time, confirming she heard it. "Was that the joke you said 5 minutes ago?" Yes. Yes it was.
You have to pay for most dating sites, but it doesn't always work. So that makes it a form of prostitution and you get fucked either way.
Wanted to post this on /r/showerthoughts, but they don't allow puns there, so yeah...
What exactly is it about Dad Jokes that makes them so cringeworthy? What's the philosophy behind it?
Mom: huh. They didn't put bows on the gazebo this year. Dad: So does that make it a gaze?
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