I ran into the office this morning and switched the m and n keys on as many keyboards as I could. Some might call me a monster but
The rest are definitely goimg to call ne a nomster.
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︎ Dec 08 2021
When is a door not a door?(I'm so sorry)
๐︎ 6k
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︎ Dec 05 2021
So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go.
I mean, he only had one Job.
๐︎ 4k
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︎ Dec 08 2021
What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness?
Me...
I'm a divorce lawyer.
๐︎ 4k
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︎ Nov 18 2021
Na na na na naaaah - I'm gloving it
๐︎ 2k
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︎ Nov 25 2021
Iโm not anti-mask
I just thought Ace Ventura was better.
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Nov 13 2021
I'm currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer.
She's going for the ribs.
I might try a duck.
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Nov 05 2021
How Buzz Aldrin introduces himself: "Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second man on the moon."
๐︎ 4k
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︎ Nov 25 2021
Iโm really not a fan of Russian dolls.
Theyโre so full of themselves.
๐︎ 3k
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︎ Nov 20 2021
Iโm a little jelly we canโt all bring in this kind of dough
๐︎ 2k
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︎ Nov 17 2021
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, "How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
I replied, "The chance of two serial killers in one car is astronomical."
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︎ Nov 29 2021
Iโm something of a mathematician myself
๐︎ 1k
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︎ Nov 20 2021
Going to be a father in May so Iโm practicingโ Why did the duck get kicked out of class?
For quacking jokes
EDIT: this joke did wayyy better than I expected lol. Thank you all for the words of encouragement, awards, and corny jokes to follow up! Iโm excited to make my family cringe for years to come
๐︎ 8k
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︎ Oct 11 2021
When it comes to spotting puns in the wild, Iโm well trained.
๐︎ 487
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︎ Nov 25 2021
Wife: I'm preganant.
Me: Hi preganant, I'm dad!
Wife: No you're not.
๐︎ 12k
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︎ Sep 13 2021
Hello, Iโm looking for some help. My best good pal from high school is a tarantula dad. I made him this spiderweb glass piece for his birthday. Iโm looking to put a solid pun in a card but havenโt come up with anything great. Does anyone have some good ideas? Any help is appreciated
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︎ Dec 05 2021
I'm so poor,
I can't even pay attention.
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︎ Dec 09 2021
Pippin: "I'm Pippin. It's not my real name, it's just a nickname."
Elrond: "What's Pippin short for?"
Gandalf: "He's a Hobbit."
๐︎ 8k
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︎ Sep 26 2021
My husband doesnโt think Iโm funnyโฆ
Heโs currently playing a computer game when I heard hammering or chopping. I looked onscreen to see his character hitting a wall or fence. I asked if he was building a fence, to which he replied โIโm fortifying this structure for protection.โ So I said, โah, so youโre building de-fense.โ
๐︎ 186
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︎ Nov 14 2021
People always ask me what I'm good at. I tell them I'm great at sleeping.
I can do that with my eyes closed.
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︎ Dec 06 2021
A man bursts the door open and shouts: "Doctor help me I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor replies: "well you're gonna have to be a little patient"
๐︎ 397
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︎ Nov 19 2021
British people be like "I'm Bri ish."
๐︎ 220
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︎ Nov 30 2021
I'm going to start a bed company called nothing really mattress.
๐︎ 47
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︎ Dec 09 2021
My wife says I'm cheap....
...but I'm not buying it.
๐︎ 235
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︎ Nov 23 2021
Iโm having nightmares
๐︎ 234
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︎ Dec 04 2021
O.M.G...... A Tree Rex.
๐︎ 3k
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︎ Oct 03 2021
I'm hungry for communication
๐︎ 2k
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︎ Sep 26 2021
My Wife is in early labor at the moment, and I'm reading her some of the jokes on here to distract her from the pain. She doesn't seem to be too amused..
.. must be just the delivery.
๐︎ 8k
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︎ Sep 19 2021
If you canโt accept my constant need to point out the exit in every room Iโm inโฆ
๐︎ 53
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︎ Dec 03 2021
I don't like talking about how I'm actually the Norse god of mischief.
I try to keep it low-key.
๐︎ 1k
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︎ Oct 21 2021
I'm going to create a bar and call it Frozen Vengence
Where just ice is served.
๐︎ 333
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︎ Nov 13 2021
I'm scared of elevators.
So I take steps to avoid them.
๐︎ 64
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︎ Dec 01 2021
I'm feeling can't today
๐︎ 27
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︎ Dec 01 2021
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer. I'm always drained, and just not physically up to it..
..so I've just handed in my too weak notice.
๐︎ 4k
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︎ Sep 22 2021
Every morning I announce loudly to my family Iโm going jogging, but then donโt go.
๐︎ 358
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︎ Nov 12 2021
Not a dad joke, but Iโm very proud of my son.
My five year old just came running upstairs, and he said โDad, Iโm hungry!โ
My eyes immediately lit up, but with a quickness I could only be proud of, he added: โmy name isnโt hungry, I would just like something to eat.โ
He is catching on.
๐︎ 7k
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︎ Sep 06 2021
I'm so full
๐︎ 266
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︎ Oct 24 2021
Me: Hi my name is Jeff and I'm an alcoholic
AAA: Sir, this is Triple A, not AA.
Me: I know, I'm trying to explain why my car is in the lake.
๐︎ 985
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︎ Oct 08 2021
I'm an optimist!
๐︎ 105
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︎ Nov 04 2021
I'm down on my luck, so I'm selling my prosthetic leg this year.
It'll make an excellent stocking stuffer this Christmas.
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︎ Dec 10 2021
My annoying neighbour knocked on my door at 3:00 A.M. last night.
Luckily I was still awake practicing my drums.
๐︎ 853
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︎ Oct 20 2021
At couples therapy, the husband said, "I can't take it. She is always referencing Star Wars. I'm leaving".
His wife looked at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one."
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︎ Nov 18 2021
Iโm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but Iโm pretty sure sheโll figure out...
Iโm just after my money.
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Aug 17 2021
"Honey, I'm pregnant"
"Hi pregnant, I'm Dad"
"No you're not"
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︎ Nov 13 2021
Iโm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet
๐︎ 6k
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︎ Aug 14 2021
I'm filing a class action lawsuit against the major diaper companies.
Their products don't hold anywhere near the 22-37 pounds advertised on the package.
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︎ Nov 30 2021
I invited my girlfriend over for dinner to have sausages and mash. I warned her that I'm not a very good cook though.
I wanted her to be prepared for the Wurst.
๐︎ 446
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︎ Oct 21 2021
I just found out Iโm colorblind
The news came out of the purple!
๐︎ 720
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︎ Oct 06 2021
Iโm terrified of elevators
So Iโm going to start taking steps to avoid them
๐︎ 3k
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︎ Aug 26 2021
As a vet, I'm tired of working on chickens.
If this keeps up, I'll have to work around the cluck.
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︎ Nov 25 2021
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