A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”
“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”
“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the bartender asks.
“Im a taxidermist!” The man replies.
“What the hell is that!?” The bartender asks.
The guy says nervously “ I umm, mount dead animals”
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar “ it’s ok fellas, he’s one of us!”
In the car my son said “Dad, look at that mail truck!” And I said “How do you know it’s male instead of female?”
Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”.
The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, “WHOA, a talking muffin!”
Two IT Admins walk in an apple store one looks at the other and says don’t fart in here
Why didn't the turkey look in the fridge?
because there might be salad dressing
If someone says he can’t look himself in the mirror …
He is either a big disappointment or a vampire … or both …
Why does Jesus look skinny in most depictions of him?
He does too much Crossfit.
Credit goes to /u/HarleyArchibaldLeon for the original.
[META] An in death look at puns
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=t03W1OW7lvo
I hated being stuck in the alps when my plane went down, we had to do awful things to survive and couldn’t stand to look at one another throughout. The worst thing though?
Getting the cold shoulder from the pilot.
Why are your keys always in the last place you look?
Because you stop looking for them.
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, horrified she looks her boyfriend dead in the eyes and says...
I stayed in a hotel last week and got a shock when my cereal said "you look great today"
Then I remembered, it was a complimentary breakfast.
Do you ever look up at a flock of geese flying in formation and notice one side is longer than the other? Do you know why?
Bcz there's more geese on that side
George Washington looks stoned in this picture
What do firefighters look for in a strip club?
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
To my wife with the kids in the back seat as we drove away from MIL: "Your mom's wild flowers from the spring have all bloomed and it looks like there's only one is left."
"I guess the lone hydrangea is all that remains."
A man walks into a tattoo parlour holding a small bird in his hands. The tattoo artist looks at him, confused.
The man asked, "Tit for tat?"
Looks like I have all my ducks in a row
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
How many times in a day can you look at a clock?
I think I look great in purple
It really makes me look like a prince among men
Two books meet in a Library. One says ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..
... Just had my Appendix removed.
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
My husband: "Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom!"
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7
My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.
He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.
His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then asks "What on earth is this thing, and how this supposed to help your depression?".
"Honey, the doctor told me working on this should have me feeling better in no time!" replies the man. He then proceeds to describe in detail how the machine cracks eggs, steams them, and flips them out onto a plate in under a minute, all at the touch of a button.
"But what on earth does this have to do with your depression? What did that quack doctor tell you to do?" asks the wife
The man replies: "He told me to work on my self egg-steam".
My pal and I went to dissect insects in biology class. He looks down and says
I felt uncomfortable with my wife giving me dirty looks in public
So I had to ask her to clean her glasses
My wife claims that men in camouflage look really sexy.
What actor looks the best in short?
I once finished runner-up in a Fidel Castro look-a-like contest.
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
Jeff it looks like you’re in a ruff situation..
"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, “Two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.” I asked. “What did they look like?” He replied...
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...
As my daughter opened her last gift on Christmas morning with a sad look in her eyes...
I said: “If you think that’s the end, you’ve got another thing coming!”
I answered the door today and a police officer said "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a car accident."
I replied "yeah, but at least she has a nice personality."
If you find gold in Australia, where do you look for silver?
Pirate goes to doctor to have groin pain checked. Dr. looks down pirates pants and says, “you have a captain’s steering wheel in your pants.”
Pirate replied, “arghh, it’s driving me nuts”.
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...
My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.
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