I needed to get my locks changed, but all the locksmiths were closed... I thought they were key workers?
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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ONE OF MY KIDS BROKE MY CAPS LOCK KEY.

I’M NOT UPSET, BUT DON’T KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
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A lock's favorite food is key lime pie.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AardvarkVader
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2016
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If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. /r/Jokes/comments/hrlc58/…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLegendOfTrain
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open during lockdown?

They are key workers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarBoobSale
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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Credits to u/plat_playya
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sixDwaffle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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I locked my keys in the car...

So I took off my pants, rolled them up and rubbed them on the car door. The car unlocked.

I'm so glad I was wearing my khaki trousers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RangerZA
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2017
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Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/papa_sabre
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Why couldn't the computer take its Hat off?

Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.

Edit- North of 4k upvotes, Thank You Kind Strangers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatindiandood
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I’m not joking, but he is.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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My best in the moment pun i have ever had

In the gym today, guy is having to get his lock cut off because he lost his key. Joke around with guy for a bit because i have done the same.

As he is walking away....

Him: "you have a good day man"

Me: "you too, better lock next time"

I hear him groan, look to the guy next to me with a dumbass smile on my face and he rolled his eyes. Hahaha

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SwankyTiger_0
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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Big brain

If you find yourself locked out of your house, talk to the door because communication is key

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πŸ‘€︎ u/4Dtwins
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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Punsters of Reddit, I need your help

So I need a pun or simply clever line for a lock breaking-up with a key. Some ideas I've had include:

>"You just don't unlock me"

>"I don't think we're a good fit"

I realize these aren't really puns, but /r/DoubleEntendres doesn't have quite as much traffic. Any help would be appreciated!

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2014
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A man is driving along a back road at night

His car crashes into a tree, and he escapes unhurt though his car is badly damaged. However, he needs to find somewhere to stay overnight. The man wanders alnog the road until he comes across a monastery. He knocks on the door, and a friendly monk answers.

Man: I've crashed my car and need a place to stay tonight, might I have one of your rooms?

Monk: of course, come right this way.

The monk shows the man to a room, and the man goes to sleep. At midnight, the man is awoken by a loud thumping on the ceiling. He thinks nothing of it and goes to bed, sleeping soundly the rest of the night.

The next day at breakfast he asks one of the monks about the thumping. The monk replies,"sorry, I can't tell you you aren't a monk". The man figures that that's a pretty fair response, and goes to try and fix his car.

After working on the car all day, the man returns to the monastery and asks to stay another night. The monks of course oblige, and the man goes back to the same room. This night, he is awakened by the same thumping, this time even louder. He wonders about it and eventually drifts off to sleep.

The next day, the man continues to work on the car, and needs to stay just one more night to complete it. The monks are happy to give him a room, but the man asks to me moved to a different room so he won't hear the thumping. The man goes to bed but is awakened by even louder thumping.

He decides to go investigate, and climbs the stairs, only to find a locked iron door, with the thumping coming from behind it. Unsatisfied, he goes back to bed.

The next morning, he asks the lead monk about the thumping. The lead monk replies,"sorry, can't tell you you aren't a monk". The man, filled with curiosity, asks the leader how to become a monk. The leader gives him 3 tasks: the first, to circumnavigate the globe, to learn about culture, the second task, to cut an entire field with scissors to learn patience, and the third, to memorize the entire monk book, to learn discipline.

The man completes all the tasks, and the leader takes him up to the iron door and pulls out a key. He opens the door to reveal the Monk's greatest secret.

If you're wondering what it is, I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you aren't a monk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clutchdanger11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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My office pulled a dadjoke today..

Scenario: We're closing up for the day, so we need to lock our doors.

One of my co-workers is holding on to the key.

Another one of my co-workers said: Quit being so dorky and give me the door key.

Groaning followed..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fireglare
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2014
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Car humor

My friend locked his keys in his car last night. As the pop-a-lock guy showed up last night my friend apologized.

"I really am sorry to pull you away from momma lock, poppa lock"

Groans all around

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CuntnessEvermean
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2015
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Not sure if this counts (but its totally a dad move)

My wife and daughter picked me up from work today.

As I'm turning to lock the door, my daughter wants to race me.

'Hold on a sec so I can lock the door'

Then I asked her if she wants to take my keys out of the lock. As soon as she does, I take off for the car.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/red3biggs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2015
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Using my little brother as dad prep

Brother: Hey Zaent I lost the key this safe, can you pick a lock? Me: Yeah sure, if you show me two, I'll pick one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zaent
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
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Dadjoked my gf

We were moving into a new house and there were a pile of keys. After trying every key in all of the locks, I discovered that none of the keys fit any of the window locks.

I declared, "none of these keys fit the windows. the only windows keys I have are these" and produced a spreadsheet of windows 7 keys

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seneekikaant
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2014
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The punchline is key

A few weeks ago I stayed at my dad's house. In the morning I found I had forgotten my keys and therefore had locked myself in. Because I didn't want to get told off/mocked by my dad, I phoned my brother's girlfriend to go to my brother at his work, retrieve the key from him and bring it back to dad's house to let me out. The following week my brother (the traitor) told my dad about this escapade and dad phoned me to mock me and tell me that not only was there a spare key in the house already, dad just happened to be driving past the house when I left anyway so could've let me out himself...

These are some of the key-related puns since then.

> me: dad, I didn't get the job in [city]

> dad: don't worry, it wasn't a key position.

Today in the restaurant we ate at: oh look! They do KEY lime pie!

Dude turns his head to look at me as dad and I walk down the road together: oooh! He looked keen. Geddit? Keen? KEY-n

> me: okay dad, you can stop with the key jokes now.

> dad makes the motion of sealing his lips and locking them with a key, immediately bursting into fits of giggles before he says: nah I think this joke has many more possibilities to unlock. more laughter

So many groans...

Ninja edit: something went funny with the submit page...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NejKidd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
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What should you do if you get locked out of the house?

Talk to the lock, because communication is key

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_ivy_ally
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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What should you do if you get locked out of your house?

Be calm and talk to the lock.

Because communication is key!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vanguard_The
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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If you ever get locked out of your house...

Talk to your lock calmly, because communication is key.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pm_me_your_taintt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night

When behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him

A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Energylegs23
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
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It was a dark and foggy night

A man is walking home alone one foggy evening, when behind him he faintly hears:

thump...

thump...

thump...

Senses tingling, he begins walking faster only to look back and make out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, and with the lid of the casket clacking on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH! the casket breaks down the door. Thumping and clapping towards him, the man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws it at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MysteryOrange7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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