Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...

Because all the leaves are brown.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BamaPaul
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.

I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The local police station has had its toilet stolen

Officers have nothing to go on.

πŸ‘︎ 176
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lenzar86
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A local Ice-cream vendor was found dead in his van surrounded by sprinkles...

Police said he'd topped himself

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw an ambulance with the lights on at the local mechanics today.

Guess they needed an emergency service.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darksteel_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.

Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

πŸ‘︎ 164
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
When the local carpenter was asked what it was like when he fell through a window?

He said,” All I felt was pane.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mydogisadoglol
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
There is a sign outside my local library that says 'Watch for Cars'

Its a pretty good deal

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Om_Nair
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A local cake factory was just robbed

They took a huge slice of the profits

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/argotrevor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My local pastor is a keen motor cyclist...

He's just bought himself a Holy Davidson.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A giant fly has attacked the local police...

Police have called SWAT team.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coffeeaficionado_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Ad in local paper : 'Wanted Barber's assistant'

'Fringe Benefits'

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height.

They didn’t like my critter sizing.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mycorona69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
So I went to my local astrology group and was asked to take roll call. And wouldn’t you know it?

All the signs were there.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChuckinTheCarma
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my local garbage man how much I appreciate him.

I said I would be a mess without him.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeyStealth
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Police were called to the local grocery store today

A man walked into the produce section and took a leek.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bamugo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was asked to play the triangle in our local symphony orchestra! But I quit because . . .

It was just one ting after another.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/urkdor73
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The woman in charge of our local primary school has decided to resign.

She wants to quit while she's a head.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Our local priest rides around our town on a motorbike all day.

We just call him Rev.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was at a local store buying a shitty old CD for $9.95. When I handed the cashier my $10, he handed me my change and said:

"Here's your Nickleback."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jessieface13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Called my local restaurant for reservation. Hey are you guys open for reservations? They replied four to nine today

Looks like they are too busy today

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/randombot777
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Someone asked if there is a local chess club?

Let me check....mate

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brucejewce
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I keep complementing my local gas station when training my dog.

Good sit go.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
A man decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse, and goes to a local breeder

Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.

"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."

"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."

The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."

πŸ‘︎ 265
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a robbery at the local Apple store today.

Its ok though, they caught the guy, there was an iWitness.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imholt11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the local petrol station

There was nothing coming out of the nozzle. I walked to the kiosk and i said, have you got your pumps on? He said, no, I'm wearing flip-flops

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/northernsou
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SolgaleoGamePlays
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.

Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/levitron
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
You're damn right it will
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/giftsamuel_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A famous local cauliflower died last night.

People are expecting a big turnip at the funeral.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NovaDreamSequence
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...

I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are β€œOut of Order”

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Saw a bunch of guys in the local department store, shouting β€œf#ck”, β€œb#ll&cks”, β€œw#nker”!

Then realised I was in the menswear section.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnolife
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Local barber in the area got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind. I’ve been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

πŸ‘︎ 239
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedCakesYT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Saw a kidnapping at the local park this morning

He must’ve been knackered, even his mum couldn’t wake him up

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xander725
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Local TV weatherman breaks all of his limbs but insists on coming in to work...

...tune in at 11, to see his four-casts.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the couple cancel their dinner plans at the local Indian restaurant?

They agreed it was a naan-starter

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crash8308
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I invited the local farmer and his horse to my son's birthday party

They quickly became the centaur of attention

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TakoBoi123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad drives to the local high school and picks up his son.

Son: β€œDad, put me down, you’re embarrassing me.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I donated to a local clinic.

It was for a good gauze.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the sea captain that went in for a hat fitting at the local haberdashery during rough seas?

He was cap-sized.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartanMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I may have been kicked out of my local watch shop for throwing the merchandise around, but I can confirm...

Time does fly when you’re having fun!

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourLocalCreep
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars.

The police is working tirelessly to catch him.

πŸ‘︎ 281
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Buffunder
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my local locksmith why he's still open during these crazy times. Turns out he's a key worker.

So is the piano shop owner next door.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthVarn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The local Blacksmith got a new dog. When he got him home he made a bolt for the door.

His other dog sat in the corner. It's a boxer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthVarn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My bff and I want to go to a local art exhibit. Terrible art puns ensue
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GunShopMom
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

πŸ‘︎ 550
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report

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