After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won't admit she framed me.
A couple is sitting in the living room drinking beer
Out of the blue the husband says, “ I love you”
“ Is that you or the beer talking” asks the wife
“It’s me” says the husband “talking to the Beer”
A chef is in his living room, and someone knocks on his front door...
...he yells, "the door's open! Cumin in!"
If you're American in the living room, then what are you in the bathroom?
Trying not to mention the favourite part of my living room here
I think I've done well sofa
My son walked into the living room only to find me looking around all misty eyed. Reluctantly, he asked, "What's up pop?" I blubbered, "My boy, I really love our furniture..."
"Me and my recliner go way back."
My wife told me we didn’t need the surround system for our living room I bought...
I told her it was a Sound Investment.
When my wife complained I was taking too long to paint the living room I told her she was worse than the warden in Shawshank.
She said “well just paint it, Red”.
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree.
The guy behind the counter said to my dad, "Are you going to put it up yourself?".
Dad replied, "Don't be disgusting, I'm going to put it in the living room."
Did you hear that Jeff Bezos changed his name to Richard and started a living room furniture empire?
I guess you can do anything if you're Sofa King Rich.
Have you heard about the dog that can design living rooms?
He is an in-terrier decorator.
You can’t die in the living room
My son was browsing Reddit in the living room
when he began to sob into his keyboard. I went over to ask him what was wrong and he told me that despite lurking for years he still couldn't build up enough confidence to ask DIY how to build a fence.
Disappointed I could only say, "Well son, you can't start to build a fence if you can't even create a post."
My dad came into the living room asking what I was watching on tv, after I told him he got mad and left.
I guess I’ll talk to him after I finish watching boomerang
What room does a ghost not have in their house?
A living room.
Happy Halloween!
I bought a massive Christmas tree at the weekend. The guy in the store asked "Are you planning on putting it up yourself?"
I said "Nah, I'll probably just put it up in the living room"
One cannot die in a living room.
Me: “Billy passed out in the living room” Dad: “Well I guess it’s not the living room anymore”
In a one story house the walls are blue, the chairs are blue, the floor is blue, the lights are blue, the living room is blue, the bedrooms are blue, the kitchen is blue, even the air has a blueish tint. What color are the stairs?
The house is ONE STORY it has no stairs.
My wife asked me to buy a new stereo system for the living room
It was a sound investment
My nephew just called us into the living room, saying "Dad, Uncle Squigles, all the light bulbs blew!"
We walked into him giggling having just asked Alexa to change the lights to blue.
My brother is still cracking up and very proud.
Death came for my soul today
Thank god I was in the living room when he came
I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree.
The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”
Daughter: Nice tree, dad! Are you putting up yourself?
Dad: No I'm putting up in the living room.
My renovator ask me if he can remove the mirrors in my living-room.
I asked him to wait, I need to reflect...
A few days ago my next door neighbours glass fell out of the window frame in the living room.
They called a company who came out to replace the glass, it happened again two days later so the company came back again and replaced it.
My neighbour asked why it was happening and the company told him that it was happening a lot in the area, and that a local animal was eating the putty we use to hold the glass in.
My neighbour asked him what kind of animal could possibly do that???
He said yes it’s a cat.....
A putty cat......
After dinner, mom cow walks into the living room
to see her two calves watching tv, she grabs the remote, turns it off and says “okay you two. time to hit the hay, it’s pasture bedtime.”
What is the shortest object in the living room?
When I set up my living room surround sound I decided to hire a sound technician
My grandfather walked into the living room
He looked at me and said, “Well...”
“Yes grandpa?”
“Its kind of a deep subject”
A mathematician sold me an end table, which I put in my living room. When I came in the next day, there were over a dozen of them!
Turns out it was a multiplication table.
I was on the table with my son pretending to be shooting guns around our living room.
My wife came storming in angrily, looked at us and shouted, 'Get down!'
I said, 'Follow the commander's orders, son. There might be an ambush.'
My wife walked in to see that our boys had built a fort in the living room. She shouted, ''PUT THOSE CHAIRS AND BEDSHEETS BACK!!"
I yelled, "YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER!!" as I climbed out of fort…
As I sashayed around our living room, I shouted out to my family, " I'm like the fabric version of King Midas!"
"Everything I touch becomes felt!"
My dad just walked into the living room and said “I went to buy tickets for Star Wars but all they had were Solo seats”.
So we were installing new LEDs in our living room
Me: "Man, these lights are so bright, they will make you see our place in a whole new light!"
My friend groaned, but his gf didn't get it, so he had to explain the pun. After he explained it.
Me: "I guess you could say you LED her to the punchline."
If someone dies in a living room...
Is it still a living room?
If you're American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?
What if someone died in the living room?
My kid asked me if I’m going to put the Christmas tree up myself.
I said I was gonna put it up in the living room.
If you're American in the living room and American in the kitchen, then what are you in the bathroom?
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