We were entry-level accountants at a large firm, doing a coffee run for a team of about 20. It took foreverrr for the cafe to make them all and even longer for us to figure out how to get all these coffees back upstairs. We finally get back to the team and one of the partners exclaimed “Guys! Where the hell have you been?! That took half an hour!” Being new we sort of didn’t say anything and slunk away to our desks. Then, out of nowhere about 15 seconds later, my mate sticks his head up and yells “better latte than never!”
That’s when he became my best mate.
Scholars today define it as a near myth.
Unfortunately, the school went belly up. It couldn't stay afloat.
My great grandmother opened her eyes and said, "Joan of Arc did." And those were her last words. She died a few minutes later.
That's a true story.
I immediately bellowed "REMEMBERRRRRR THE AALLAMOOODE!
Not kidding pulled this up in real time. Pretty proud of it
Legendary
I had never seen him be four
His doctor told him to eat 3^(2) meals a day.
Legendary.
That meant the steaks were just too high for me.
Whoops, wrong sub.
Terrible joke. Only three stars.
Sir Ramic
...when it becomes apparent....
I told her in that case, we should get some gravy life jackets too.
[The glare she shot me was legendary, but so worth it:)]
Me: What about when a lion roars?
4yo: That means “I’m a tiger.”
Me: Why doesn’t he say “I’m a lion”?
4yo: Because he’s lyin’…
(Accidental pun? Or prodigy?)
So the only chance you’ll have in a triathlon is if you can bike faster
Everyone in the audience was a paid actor
But I don’t want to go Claussen a commotion, so dill with it.
His name was Sir Loin of Beef
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
I am currently in the hospital. I had a back operation yesterday. The surgical nurse came in my room and started asking questions about my back. She asked me if I had any falls during the last year. I responded just one. It was after summer.
She laughed and said in 20 years of doing this she never was told that joke.
My five year old just came running upstairs, and he said “Dad, I’m hungry!”
My eyes immediately lit up, but with a quickness I could only be proud of, he added: “my name isn’t hungry, I would just like something to eat.”
He is catching on.
Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.
Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.
One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.
As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.
The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:
No Offense, Nun Taken
My name is Sam. My younger sister is two and a half years younger than I am. My dad was going to name her Ella so we would be Sam & Ella (Salmonella) but my Mom caught on and named her something else. He was so close!
I wouldn't have been mad at all, such dedication is worth it.
In 1827, after Beethoven died, he was buried outside the local church, in the graveyard, and people came to pay their respects frequently.
One morning, about a week after the funeral, two girls came to leave some flowers on his grave, only to hear strange, unearthly sounds coming from it. Creeped out, they called for the local Paranormal Investigator.
The Investigator arrived an hour later, and with him, a small crowd, who had come to see what was happening to the composer’s grave.
Suddenly, one member of the crowd exclaimed, “I recognise that sound! It’s his 9th Symphony, backwards!”
Soon after, another said, “and that’s his 8th, backwards!”
After leaning closer to the grave to inspect this for himself, the Investigator straightened himself up, gave a soft chuckle, and said:
“Never fear, ladies and gentlemen! Beethoven’s just decomposing.”
It's our Moo-LAN party!
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
You can roast beef, but you can't pea soup.
Okay, I got that from iCarly, but it's not my fault that Spencer (Jerry Trainor) is legendary. XD
That's where they find them.
Its found on the end of their leg.
The first one's twenty, the second is twenty too.
I turned at the next exit and found that there was a whole town around it.
Shops, restaurants, even churches devoted to this pickle.
When I finally found the museum holding this legendary pickle, I discovered it was closed.
Dismayed, I went back to the interstate.
I just never saw what the big dill was.
But I'm a black belt in bingjutsu, Yahfu, YouTujutsu, and tae Qwant do.
I was taught by a legendary master named DuckDuckGoku.
I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.
So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word “legendary” is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, “No, legendary means super famous milk.” Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!
Some context: my dad listed the drinks we had, which read "orange juice, decaf, milk."
Me: (jokingly) Decaf milk?
Dad: All milk is decaf because we get it and the calf doesn't!
The man is legendary.
It left a legendary glory hull
At the end of a long season; two fishing companies got caught up over the last catching nets to supply ingredients to Hog Island's famous chowder... the legendary bustle was later known as the "mussel vessel hustle tussle"
Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.
Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.
One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.
As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.
The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:
No Offense, Nun Taken
