Brainstorming food/movie theme nights. It es-kale-lated quickly. Only thing in my Bumble profile now.
When Harry Met Salad
What About Ke-Bob
Cumin to America
Weekend at Bearneaise II
Steakin I, II, & III
A Few Good Salmon
You’ve Got Kale
Shawshank Re-Dim Sum
Romancing the Scone
An Éclair to Remember
Roman Hollandaise
Glazed and Confused
Bill & Ted’s Eggcellent Adventure
The Evil Bread
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Shrimp
Fondue the Right Thing
Ribeyes Wide Shut
Mignons
Plante of the Grapes
Spider Manchu
Sushis All That
A Wok to Remember
Marsala-la Land
Apocalypse Cow
Die Chard
Die Chard with a Vinaigrette
Hogan’s Gyros
The Sand Latkes
A League of their Macaroni
Revenge of the Curds
Rush S’More
Braising Arizona
Demolition Ham
10 Things I hate About Ewe
Saladin
Oliver and Com-penne
Dirty Rotten Chanterelles
Sex and the Satay
The Truth About Cats & Hotdogs
Morella Enchanted
Provolone Together
Clear and Pheasant Danger
The Big Chili
Lémon: The Professional
Ava-Tartare
Hocous Pocous
High Fi-Deli Meat
Madagascargot
The Fifth Elementos
Muensters Inc.
There’s Something About Rosemary
I Am Ham
Quiche Lorraine Man
Barley & Me
Lentil Giants
Peggy Soufflé Got Married
Face Stroganoff
Con Gruyére
Fast Times at Porridgemont High
Bok Choys in the Hood
Papillonion
Requinoa for a Dream
Serial Cardamom
Why did I stop and take a shot of vodka when I was running late to work?
That's what I do when I'm Russian
An electrician came home very late when night and his wife said
"Wire you insulate"
And he replied "Watts it to you? I'm Ohm ain't I?"
This is the first Dad joke I remember hearing, and it came from my older brother.
(We're not grading for quality here, right?)
It’s too late to make Suez Canal jokes now
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
My Wife is an Hour Late to Meet me at the Gym
I don't think we're going to workout afterall.
What do you call a cocoa seed that is late for work ?
I've been building a lot of LEGO sets with my kids lately.
I'm happy to say I've been having an AFOL time!
I told my boss, “Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.
Dad: *Watching cop show with daughter late at night* Dad: Time for bed kiddo! Daughter: I’m not tired yet though!
Dad: Pretending to be a dispatcher Yeah, she’s resisting arrest
I HATE HOW FUNERALS ARE ALWAYS AT 9AM
I'm not really a mourning person 😔
When I'm running late dropping my kids off at daycare, I call in to my 8am Zoom meeting from my car.
I call it, "phoning it in."
My wife has been cold to me lately, so I figured a hobby might make her more receptive to my advances. I figured why not stamp collecting? Well, I learned an important lesson...
Philately will get you nowhere
Did you hear about the metal shipment that was late?
My mom has really gotten into Konmari lately...
She is throwing out everything that doesn't "spark joy." I haven't seen Dad in a week.
My colorblind son has been getting into music lately.
He really likes the Greens
I created a joke for my late father
He was supposed to be here 10 minutes ago to hear it tho...
My dad has been going through a lot of hard ships lately…
He dismantles them for a living.
Commemorating a late Ides of March
Was Julius Cesar the first Holey Roman emperor?
Gravity has had me depressed lately
It really brings a guy down
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Why was the broom late to class?
What do you call a historian studying a music genre that originated in Jamaica in the late 1950s...
Mr. Cooper has been working so much lately, he's feeling less and less like himself.
What he needs is a night of rest and re-Cooperation.
A friend told me that the ball drop was a minute late
The ball was dropped at the ball drop.
I must have shown up late to the Kleptomanic Conference.
All the seats were already taken.
Why a rabbit wasn't late?
Because he was HARE already.
Lately I’ve been storing all my extra change in some bushes outside.
I’m starting my own hedge fund.
I sat on the toilet, angry, exhausted, and late for work.
I said to myself, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
What was the cannibal given after he showed up late to the dinner party?
Why does nobody in Antarctica have Covid-19?
Because they're too ice-o-lated
I suddenly realized I was going through the airport turnstile sideways, but it was too late...
What’s the difference between a molecule of table salt and the late Sean Connery?
One has an ionic bond. The other was the iconic Bond.
With all this snow lately sledges have been sold out everywhere. . .
So I have borrowed my sisters sledge, she doesn't mind because we are family.
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
What did the broom say when he was late for the meeting ?
An egg got late to work. He says to his boss:
My shift at work ends at midnight, but I'm a night owl so I find staying up late easy...
...I could stay up until midnight with my eyes closed.
I'm having frequent pains lately.
My buddy Earl has never been late to work, school, or any appointment. Want to know his secret?
When you realize, too late, that there is no more Toilet Paper
A few days too late, but OK.
I’ve been going through a lot of shit lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
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