With a decongestant.
You can see right through him.
It's true! He did it because he was so embarrassed about his stutter, which he developed late in life, that he felt the need to get out of the public spotlight, stat.
You can read all about it in my new book, B-B-B-Benny and the Jest.
When an eel bites your hand, and that's not what you planned, That's a moray.
When paternity tests, lead to ratings success, thatβs a Maury.
When our habits are strange, and our customs deranged, That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.
When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?
When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?
When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!
In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.
Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.
A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.
When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.
When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?
But Canadians protest, underrepresented in jest, whatβs one more, eh?
ββββββββββ-
(Repost of mine from over a year ago. Sorry. I remembered it while stoned and it was funny again. Credit to u/weizguy74 for the Maury line.)
So the other day during a 20 minute break at University, some of my classmates got onto the discussion of relationships. One lad (to my suprise) ended things with his long term girlfriend, somebody asked why. To which he would only say:
"It just wasn't working."
A sudden rush of sadism crawled up me, and I couldn't bottle it up. I immediately blurted out:
"You know they have drugs that can help you with that."
I was met with both shocked looks or empty stares. Still, my mates had a laugh about it when I told them afterwards.
Me: You're being mean.
Her: How?
Me: By talking back to me.
Her: I have to talk back to you. That's how conversations work.
Me: I quit. You win.
The entire conversation was in jest.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SCREAMING!
Because everything they do in-jest!
We either digest the clown, or we die jesting!
Go for the juggler.
And not a paternity jest?
I'll call it Readers Dye Jest
Ingest in jest.
"Jest kidding!"
So my wife and I went to Great Floors looking for tile and generally getting an idea of what we want to finish our basement bathroom and family room with.
The saleswoman points us to this vinyl plank stuff I've never seen before that you just lay down with no glue or anything that is somehow completely waterproof and lifetime guaranteed and all that jazz. She shows us how you need to use a plunger to pry them back up once they are all tight together.
Me. "Wow, I never would have thought this could work.... I'm floored."
In the ensuing groan fest the saleswoman claims to have never heard that one before, I jested that she sounded knowledgeable for someone who obviously hasn't been working in the business very long.
