I was caught stealing an image editing software from the store.

I'm now charged with photoshoplifting.

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👤︎ u/sodomicity
📅︎ Feb 01 2019
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Got my first tattoo today

But it was only temporary.

(I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
(Edit: Amazing, thank you for the silver, gold, and the platinum reward of Reddit: long self referential chains of bad jokes.)

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👤︎ u/theophan
📅︎ Feb 14 2019
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To wife: Of course she knows it's a new year, she wasn't born yesterday!

Daughter was born at 8:08am yesterday. 7lbs, 1oz, 20" long. Dad, Mom and baby are doing great! Image

Edit - link formatting
Edit - My wife thinks the pic makes it look like she gave birth to Mother Teresa

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📅︎ Jan 01 2018
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My dad pulled this one at dinner last night

My mom made stuffed peppers with with Shepherd's pie ground beef instead of stuffed pepper mix. So my dad goes... "I guess these are Shepherd's Peppers!"

He couldn't wait to spit that one out and had a great big laugh. Then told it again because my mom wasn't in the room.

Edit.. I don't think some people know the food involved. Stuffed peppers are these. And shepherds pie is this

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👤︎ u/the-truth-
📅︎ Nov 04 2014
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My dad's full of jokes like this

My dad, boyfriend and I were driving around our city.

Dad: Are you guys having safe sex?

Us: Yeah.

Dad: So, you guys go into a safe and have sex?

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👤︎ u/gaymommy
📅︎ Jun 20 2014
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[META] A plea for real dad jokes.

EDIT: I somehow JUST saw the Mod Sticky post from last week, where a lot of users have expressed similar sentiments to these. I apologize to the mods if this is not appropriate and respect your decision if you want to delete it. I just wanted to see if people were thinking the same kind of thing. Still, read it if ya like.

It used to be that /r/dadjokes was a place to post actual stories of real dad humor. 'My dad pulled out this groaner at dinner.' 'Just became a dad...I think I get it now!' These are the things that warm my heart and tickle my corny bone. And I don't think I'm alone.

Now, we're arrogant enough to think we know the formula for dad humor, so we can post anything reminiscent of it, and it counts as a dad joke. It's as if we think we own dad humor now, and we can bend it and shape it at will.

Let me tell you, folks. WE DO NOT OWN DAD HUMOR.

Even the dads among us don't own it. I think the universe just channels it through them in brilliant, glorious, involuntary sneezes. Some are more deft than others, and are seen by the universe as more worthy outlets. But they do not own it.

We can get close to elusive heart of dad humor, we can approach it, we can dance around it...but we can never touch it. This is where I take issue with posts like this one, which currently has over 4000 upvotes and 2000 net karma. Is it reminiscent of dad-like punly-ness? Would a dad chortle heartily at reading it? Yes, almost certainly yes. But does that make it a dad joke? No...I would argue not.

Dad jokes are also not just about the jokes themselves. They're about the response--that he manages to be surprised at his own genius, even on the eightieth repetition. They're about the face-palms and straight stares of family members. What is a dad joke without context?

My proposed solution: ban link/image posts. I wish it wouldn't have to come to that, but I can't see another way to get back on track to the real goal here. I have hover zoom--I understand the desire for instant gratification. I've skipped over interesting looking videos because they required a click.

But that's not why I come here.

I understand that there are legitimate dad jokes transmitted via text, or perhaps requiring a bit of visual context. At this point, though, I think they are a necessary sacrifice for a righteous cause. They can always be transcribed into text, or included in a self-post. Maybe it seems a bit extreme, especially in the face

... keep reading on reddit ➡

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📅︎ Nov 25 2013
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This guy must be one cool dad.

Edit: here's the image, if you want.

>/u/13thmurder: >I work with liquid nitrogen all day. Being splashed with it like that wouldn't actually hurt at all. You'd need to be hit by a constant stream of it to cause any damage, or pour it in your shoes or something. Prolonged contact does damage. Momentary contact does nothing.

>>/u/shagmyballs:

>>What kind of job requires this?

>>>/u/Bubonic_Ferret:

>>>A cool one.

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/1ypcvn/acid_in_the_face/cfmoecc

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👤︎ u/mollyfied
📅︎ Feb 24 2014
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