I And I Puns

But my parents already did 🤪

I replied "is it because you want to see how tall I am?"

He said "step out of the car sir"

See, I knew it.......

A man decides to make some macaroni at his home after work. He was really tired but eventually he made a dish to be proud of. He looks around his kitchen drawers for any of his plastic forks but can’t find any so he decides to just use a spoon. A few minutes later his girlfriend comes home and asks for some of his macaroni. He complies and hands her a spoon so she can eat with him. “Why a spoon”, she asks. The man replied,

“I’ve run out of forks to give”

I'm training for this ahead of time.

Edit #1: Thank you reddit. I think you ensured I will be getting divorced. Don't let up, it's full steam ahead.

Edit #2: My wife hates train puns. I sent her screen shots. She's on to my loco-motives.

Edit #3: I'm speechless. Largely because it's like 6am and I want to stay quiet to not wake up my wife, she's out coal'd, snoring like a freight train. I feel like you all really railed it with these jokes. I hope that she doesn't chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga choose choose to divorce me. I couldn't wait until the train ride. I told my wife some of the jokes. I working on a YouTube compilation of them from last night. I feel like she conducted herself quite well.

Edit #4: [These jokes were off the rails. Here is the YouTube link of my wife's reaction so far.] (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

Edit #5: I'm about to start training.

“Dad, the Earth is 71 percent water, and nearly all of it is uncarbonated.”

(He really made this up. ONE OF US)

An edit for the doubters: He was drinking a Fanta and we were watching Prehistoric Planet together when he thought up the basic idea. I helped him with the punchline, because he was having trouble making it land (he’s 11, and more mechanically-minded than artsy, if you know what I mean, so he needed help on the phrasing).

It’s not a super complicated joke, so of course it’s not new, but hey, he’s 11. Good job, kid.

He said, “Get the batteries in your hearing aids changed.”

They all said, “Ewwww.”

"At the satisfactory!"

I was being transparent.

I replied, "Yeah. It was too hard to get here in a straight line."

The answer is no, because I'm gay.

I took him to the beach, lost him for a little while, and well, things got awkward real fast.

1

Mamá M.I.A.

He didn't get the point

We are going to tell them at dinner tonight.

"Oboy!"

I’m not going to stand for it.

So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs ‘WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?’

Edit: so happy that one of my home-made dad-jokes is so well-received :) thanks, everyone!

She said to me, "I'm not stallin"

And I replied, "well, you might be right about that because you're certainly not Russian.'

I got nothing... no laughs, even after I thoroughly explained it to her. My daughter has no sense of humor.

It's like he's living under Iraq.

I asked the zookeeper about it, and he said it was bread in captivity.

“Listen! You never listen!”

So we stopped playing chess.

Sometimes she just really needs a shoulder to crayon

It’s a Mandelbrat.

He was a carpenter.

I've been telling this joke for 10+ years and my wife still doesn't get it.

“man, that was tiring”

and then he asked “see what I did there?” A torch has been passed…

I press 'Submit'

…all because of those damn security cameras.

The odds were against me.

"Twirly!"

It Taurus apart

It had no atmosphere at all.

“You’re driving!”

The news came out of the yellow

Better latte than never.

Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.

We got a long well.

But then IT hit me.

and I said, "Bitch, please."

Anna1, Anna2, Anna1234

I replied William.

We plan on telling them after supper

They said it meant a lot to them.

It made a bolt for the door

I said "Son, she's a keeper."

I knew Nunavut.

It Taurus apart.