A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
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︎ Jan 22 2021
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
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︎ Jan 25 2021
And Iโm sure he felt the burn too!
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Jan 30 2021
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies...
Is this a trick question?
๐︎ 10k
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︎ Jan 16 2021
The genie asked, "Whatโs your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "Whatโs your second wish?"
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
๐︎ 17k
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︎ Dec 22 2020
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
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︎ Jan 10 2021
A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.
๐︎ 3k
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︎ Jan 24 2021
I went in for a Covid test and my doctor asked if I had a sudden loss of taste
"No, I always dress like this", I replied.
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︎ Feb 02 2021
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnโt happy at all. โHow much have you had to drink?โ she asked sternly, staring at me. โNothingโ I slurred. โLook at me!โ she shouted. โItโs either me or the pub, which one is it?โ
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, โItโs you. I can tell by the voice.โ
๐︎ 16k
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︎ Dec 27 2020
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 29 2020
*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*
Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
Me: "Oh, why?"
Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."
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︎ Dec 19 2020
I used to eat watches and clocks for every meal, but I had to stop.
It was too time consuming.
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︎ Jan 17 2021
"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing." I said to my wife.
She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."
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︎ Dec 07 2020
A man walks into his doctorโs office and says, โDoctor, I think Iโm addicted to Twitter.โ
The doctor looks at him and says, โSorry, I donโt follow you."
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︎ Feb 01 2021
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, โIs it to scale?โ I replied, โNoโฆโ
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︎ Nov 23 2020
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
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︎ Nov 20 2020
My wife and I share the same sense of humour.
We have to....She doesn't have one.
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︎ Nov 22 2020
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills
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︎ Jan 09 2021
Itโs been years since the show ended, and Iโm a little annoyed that people are still making โFriendsโ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
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︎ Feb 02 2021
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
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︎ Jan 31 2021
The wife and I have decided we donโt want kids
Theyโre not taking it very well
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︎ Feb 02 2021
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
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︎ Jan 24 2021
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, โYouโre an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still donโt get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
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︎ Jan 18 2021
I just spoke with Bill Withers and told him "Ain't No Sunshine" is poor grammar.
He said "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know..."
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︎ Jan 23 2021
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
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︎ Dec 17 2020
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
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︎ Jan 09 2021
I've been using my new U2 navigation system this week and it's the worst...
The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!
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︎ Jan 17 2021
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
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︎ Jan 25 2021
I I couldnโt get $GME so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.
I hope to become a bouillionaire!
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︎ Feb 02 2021
My dad had a burning question about grammar and I didn't know the answer so I came here to ask it.
His question was, "Is 'buttcheeks' one word?"
"Or should I spread them apart?"
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︎ Feb 02 2021
I got a pun calendar and thought I would share
๐︎ 128
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︎ Jan 02 2021
I posted something on here the other day and didnโt get a single upvote
๐︎ 3k
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︎ Dec 04 2020
I once watched a couple of cows smoke weed and play poker
I guess the steaks were pretty high
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︎ Feb 03 2021
Pork factories keep calling me and I keep hanging up on them.
๐︎ 33
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︎ Feb 03 2021
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each otherโs jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
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︎ Dec 21 2020
I keep forgetting that Tom Petty passed away and it makes me sad
He donโt come around here no more
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︎ Jan 15 2021
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
๐︎ 436
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︎ Dec 26 2020
My wife is pissed at me. I made hard boiled eggs for breakfast this morning and let our 2 year old help peel them and he made a mess
I have been walking on eggshells ever since.
๐︎ 37
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︎ Feb 01 2021
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
๐︎ 32k
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︎ Sep 22 2020
I considered giving up my honey business and joining a cult
But I'm just not a bee leaver.
Edit: Thank you for the award, friend!!!!
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I got in a car wreck and lost my left arm, but donโt worry...
Iโm all right.
buh-dum-tsss
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︎ Jan 31 2021
I canโt wait till my Wife and I have a our first baby.
Iโll hand them to her and say โHereโs the fruits of your labor.โ
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︎ Jan 28 2021
Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...
Because all the leaves are brown.
๐︎ 28
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︎ Jan 17 2021
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
๐︎ 11
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︎ Jan 24 2021
Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were not in my favor
๐︎ 13
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︎ Jan 09 2021
My wife tested my knowledge of common household herbs, and Iโm happy to say I got 4 out of 5 right.
๐︎ 25
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
๐︎ 40
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︎ Jan 26 2021
I was at a hotel and asked the front desk to switch my pillow out with one filled with feathers...
๐︎ 10
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︎ Feb 01 2021
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
๐︎ 70
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︎ Jan 30 2021
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