My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
π︎ 2k
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︎ Feb 15 2021
I've suspected my Wife of adding extra soil to our garden, so I confronted her about it, but she just shrugged it off..
π︎ 615
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︎ Feb 24 2021
A Covid test nurse asked me if I've had a sudden loss of taste.
I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."
π︎ 418
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︎ Mar 04 2021
I've had the most emotional cake day ever
π︎ 227
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︎ Mar 11 2021
Iβve lost count of the times I forgot
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
Iβve got this awful disease where I canβt stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says itβs terminal.
π︎ 268
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
Iβve just been voted the most secretive person in the whole world
I canβt tell you how much this means to me
π︎ 126
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︎ Mar 06 2021
I've got too much thyme on my hand.
π︎ 25
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︎ Mar 07 2021
Iβve just been charged for using sandpaper to kill my victim.
I only wanted to rough him up a bit.
π︎ 83
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
I've never had good luck with Civil War jokes
People don't general lee find them funny
π︎ 79
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︎ Mar 02 2021
Iβve recently discovered Iβm terrified of elevators, so Iβm taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but Iβm slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! π€©
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
I've just lost my job at the hospital, shaving patients in preparation for spinal surgery...
Because of all the cut backs.
π︎ 15
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︎ Mar 10 2021
I hadnβt used my main in around a year but had a reason to burro back in my post history... I had forgotten about this, and I donβt mean to brag but this is the single greatest post Iβve ever made on reddit.
π︎ 22
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︎ Feb 05 2021
My wife told me Iβve grown as a person
Her actual word were βyouβve gotten fatβ, but I know what she meant.
π︎ 994
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
Iβve always wanted to tap my neighborsβ maple tree, but he wouldnβt give me permission.
Think I could do it syruptitiously?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
I've got the body of a porn star....
All my clothes says XXXX.
π︎ 64
π
︎ Feb 17 2021
I've recently started writing an Ebook about the history of citrus fruits.
It's nowhere near finished, but the first chapter's on lime.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 10 2021
I've been reading a book on anti-gravity
I just can't put it down.
π︎ 43
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︎ Feb 12 2021
Wow hi I've met my people on this subreddit
π︎ 101
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day. I donβt know what he laced them with but, Iβve been tripping all day....
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 08 2021
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
π︎ 995
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︎ Dec 30 2020
I thought this book I've just bought about farming would be a nice simple read..
But it's full of words I've never even herbivore.
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 11 2021
I've been wearing this mask for so long, I wasn't sure I'd even be able to get rid of it.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
I've lost control
π︎ 29
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︎ Feb 22 2021
My new girlfriend and I are both really into fitness, and I've got a really good feeling about us.
I just know we're going to workout.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
I've lost loads of weight, just by wearing bread around my head...
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 17 2021
I've invented a sandal for one legged people...
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
π︎ 210
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
Iβve just booked a long weekend at a new Arable Farming theme park
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
I've offered my elderly neighbour $20 to try out her stair lift.
I think she's going to take me up on it.
π︎ 85
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
Iβve recently got a vasectomy
And itβs made a Vas Deferens in my life.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
Iβve waited five days and tried three times to post, Two men walk into a bar
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
I could've been an astronaut
But my parents told me the sky's the limit
π︎ 58
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
I've been using my new U2 navigation system this week and it's the worst...
The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!
π︎ 58
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
I've written a stage representation of a story in which all lines are puns, and the stage is covered with the pages of a dictionary...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 09 2021
I've got very sensitive teeth.
They'll probably be very upset I told you.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
I've got a chicken who counts her own eggs....
π︎ 50
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
I've often heard that 'ICY' is the easiest word to spell....
Looking at it now....'I SEE WHY'
π︎ 47
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
I've always hated the song "Sweet Dreams"
But who am I to disagree?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
I've started a boating business from my attic....
The sails are going through the roof.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
Lately Iβve been storing all my extra change in some bushes outside.
Iβm starting my own hedge fund.
π︎ 73
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
I planted a few hostas around my house, and now they've gotten so big that they've completely outgrown all my other decorative plants.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
I see you've dug 3 holes looking for water
π︎ 92
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
I've landed my dream job at the guillotine factory...
Will beheading there tomorrow.
π︎ 112
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
I've just made a list of the top 10 dad jokes I know. The first 9 are alright but the last one is absoutely briliant.
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- absoutely briliant
π︎ 50
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
Iβve being breaking a lot of records recently...
I would have broken more if they didnβt kick me out of the music store.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
Iβve recently gotten over my addiction to deli meats
I was able to quit cold turkey
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
Iβve got this awful disease where I canβt stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says itβs terminal
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
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