A list of puns related to "Hysterics"
I'll have to start cleaning a few cups around here...
Isn't it ionic
It's 8 feet up.
A bulldozer.I just made this up. I apologize for my self and my entire ancestory that led to this.
It's just his daily poutine.
Luckily, I was up practicing my drums at the time..
She explained that it started out as pennies, then nickels and now dimes! Her Dr. said it was nothing to worry about, she was just going through the change.
She was talking about our 6 month old daughter's poops, she mentioned one was almost stool-like. "3 or 4 legs?" Was my response. Complete silence, then hysterical laughter.
My first real dad joke.
While making dinner tonight for the family, my girlfriend wanted to add more of that dark, leafy, and easily pun-able green called Kale.
Girlfriend: Can I add more kale?
Me: Won't that be over-kale?
A sand witch
Is 25.8069758011 the root of all evil?
He had lost a deer friend in the wildfire
Puns aren't always apparent.
Because they're anti-HIStamine's
Me: what's up kiddo?
Daughter: my ear is bothering me
Me: what are the symptoms
Daughter: it's Ear-ritating me
Me: laughs hysterically.
Edited: formatting.
"Because they're towels, made out of paper. Get it?" And then she laughs hysterically
Hickory Dickory Dock
Three mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And the other two got away with minor injuries.
ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS
It was hystorical!
The greater the mass, the greater the force of attraction.
A hysterical-ectomy
Me: would you like peas tonight? 4yo: yes please... yes peas. bursts into hysterical laughter
My daughter when I was serving her dinner last night.
She started laughing hysterically and replied ‘you mean Lamborghini, it’s pronounced Lamborghini’ then continued to laugh:
I wasn’t happy, I meant exactly what I said
Anyway, fast forward 20 years, I saved up every penne I had to buy my first car: first thing I did was speed past my mums house, you should’ve seen her face.
She wasn’t laughing when I drove Pasta
The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says “What’s the problem?”
Moth says “I don’t even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I’m too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I’ve gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we’ve ever had to face in this region. Isn’t it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn’t that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there’s my son. Doc, I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn’t such a coward, Doc, I know I’d be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I’d be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I’m judgemental yet I care about nothing. I’m bitter, hateful and afraid. I’m alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease.”
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says “Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I’m a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why’d you come in here?”
The moth says,”Your light was on.”
They were trying to get more coverage, but it didn’t work.
I just made this joke completely by accident. The dad I said this to cracked up hysterically, and I couldn’t figure out why until he repeated it back to me.
Female here. Even before me and my ex had our son. I was the one telling the dad jokes. Still am--and still getting hell for it, but this was one of my favorites that I was just reminded of...
While going to bed...:
Me: (struggling to untangle bed sheet) Man, I can't believe this sheet...
Ex: (sighs at the pun) Shut up.
Me: (still struggling) This sheet's crazy!
Ex: I'm warning you...
Me: (laughing hysterically now, I've lost my mind) Why? Is it because--
Ex: Don't_you_dare!
Me: Is it because you think these jokes are--pillow me? (ducks under sheet...and gets smacked in the head)
Totally worth it!
Working with dad today : Dad : 'here's sone earplugs mate. You're only getting two .'
Me: 'thats fine I only have two ears '
Dad :' not everyone has two ears you know , some people have three '
Me : ' like who ? '
Dad :' well captain kirk had one left ear , one right ear , and a final frontier '
And my disappointed face leads him into hysterics haha .
I was recently at my brothers house and went into the bathroom and found this post and came out of the bathroom to my brother, his roommate and my gf (who is very tired of my antics) all sitting silently while he is playing a video game and the other two are scrolling. I recite the joke with a healthy pause before the punchline and my brother pauses his game and gets up from the couch to smoke a cigarette while I’m laughing hysterically. I then get up from the couch and follow him saying “No wait, get it, because…” and it was the hardest I’ve laughed in a very long time
Me: Reach for the jalapenos to put on my enchiladas
Dad: Be careful. Those jalapenos can get really personal.
Me: What?
Dad: Yeah, they'll get jalap-en-yo business.
Me: Laugh hysterically
after a slight, recent issue of my kid putting her shoes on the wrong feet, she hits me with this...
"daddy, not like shoes, socks can go on either foot!"
"youve got it, honey"
i look down a few seconds later... both socks are on the same foot.
"you told me either foot was ok!" she laughed hysterically for minutes.
I been fooling around with this girl who's 5'9" and 110lbs.
Me: I don't understand how you're so skinny; we both eat the same unhealthy garbage
Her: It's hereditary, everyone in my family is real skinny.
Me: So I guess you've got skinny genes!
I laughed hysterically. She was mildly amused.
So it was my first time meeting my girlfriend's family and it was a holiday so I had assumed it would go like how it is in the movies, the guy being constantly criticized by the girl's family and told he's not good enough but I must have lucked out as they absolutely loved me, after we had the traditional thanksgiving meal at around 4, her family and I went to the porch to drink and joke around. On the way out to the porch, buzzed me thought it would be hilarious to take someone's ukelele with me and hide it on the porch, I promised myself that before the day is over, I'd use that ukelele as a joke piece and get everyone to love me even more. So the evening is going great, everyone's drunk, laughing, telling funny family stories when all of a sudden, I stand up, get everyone's attention and I grab the ukelele, picked it up and said
"I like to play a little guitar"
The hysterical, drunken laughs of everyone on the porch was the highlight of the best Thanksgiving I've ever had.
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”
My friend just told me that pizza restaurants’ mozzarella is actually blended with provolone to make it more affordable and my only response was
“They cut the cheese?!”
And I’ve been laughing hysterically at my own joke for 10 minutes
I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.
As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.
The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"
I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.
I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story
(x-post from /r/TalesFromRetail)
[was told I should post it here as well]
This happened shortly after I started back to work in retail.
My grocery shift had just started and I was about to begin facing one end of an aisle when I spotted a man in his mid to late 30s at the other end of the aisle. We made eye contact and he made a beeline straight for me.
Me: "Hi. How are you today?"
Him: "Do you know what to do if you get a sudden urge to strip off all your clothes and run around naked in public?"
Now, at this moment, I'm not sure what's happening. I can't pick up any clues from his body language that would indicate where this conversation is going to go. I'm a wee bit concerned that this man is about to start taking off his clothes in front of me. Not exactly what I had planned for the day. He's staring at me intently, waiting for a reply. I don't want to spook him, so I do the only thing I can think of and that's just to stand there and stare at him silently.
After a few seconds, he says to me "Just spray yourself down with Windex. It prevents streaking. Have a nice day!"
He grins and walks away. I started laughing (a little too hysterically ... mostly because of relief).
Me: Starts randomly meowing in bed
Wife comes in and looks at me as much as to say WTF?
Me: I was cat calling you; and it worked!
Wife sighs and looks defeated
Me: Laughs hysterically
"If Pete & RePete were walking down the street and Pete fell into a hole, who's left?"
I can remember that joke having me in hysterics as a kid...the sheer frustration....
Edit: a word
This just happened...we get home from doing some Xmas shopping at a certain sporting goods store and my teenage daughter says...
"DAD! Where is your Dick's bag?"
I say "That's inappropriate" .... She looks at me curious like WTH are you talking about
I then say "We call it a condom."
She... pauses for a moment ... then "oh... MY GOD!"... and hysterical "I can't believe you just said that" type laughing ensues
I lost my phone and asked my dad if he could call it and his response was to yell “lolabean’s phone!” and then laugh hysterically and ask for a high five
Before I could put my own shoes on I would always ask m dad for help and This was his response every damn time.
me "daddy can you put my shoes on please"
Dad. "I can but I don't think they will fit me"
Followed this my dad would laugh hysterically and me whining saying "Nooo on meeeeee".
When I fight with my wife, she keeps getting historical.
You mean, hysterical, right?
No, she keeps bringing up the past
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.