He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.
As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.
Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.
When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,
"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"
I didn't conquer Rome after all.
I don't know whether it's because she likes me or because I dress like a fifth century nomad...
The same middle name.
When I ask I can never get a straight answer.
She said: “My anaconda don’t want none unless it has buns, hun”
shoulder this bird, hun.
These were Hun Identified Flying Objects.
"B!" She replied
"Oh hun....E!"
Dead hun...dead hun...dead hun, dead hun, dead hun, dead hun, dead huuuuunnnn
Well, hun, pv=nrt.
(Too nerdy?... I think so.. but made me chuckle so sharing for you all loser dads out there)
Looked to my wife and said, "That's odd."
I said "don't worry hun, you're a foot closer to taking it"
Help wanted from r/puns!
I am planning to make my girlfriend a picture calendar for 2015 of some dog/ cat based puns of famous dictators. I'm running short of ideas, and so am turning to Reddit, given their penchant for all things pets and puns.
My ideas so far:
Adolf Kitler
Chairman miaow
Kitty Amin
Ho chi(huahua) Min
Robert Pugabi
Colonel Catdafi
Saddam Hussaint Bernard
Benito Pussolini
Fidel Catstro
I'm looking to Reddit's collective pun power to generate some more ideas. Help me punslingers!
He said, “It may be easy for you to say ‘hun, I do’, but I cantaloupe.”
.. They must be in school.
Grandpa: It's Saturday hun they're not in school
Grandma: Maybe there's Saturday school for fish
😂
A baker and his wife had a child. A lovely, healthy boy. Since the wife was mad about history, she wanted to give the boy a name suitable for a man destined for great things. Jokes were made, names proposed, but in the end the decision was made - they named the boy Attila.
Attila showed great potential from an early age - he excelled at sports, grew strong, but his other capabilities were astonishing as well. He learned and went through encyclopedias like a fire through forests. Surely enough, he was bound to become a great man some day.
Apart from being an exceptional young man, he loved animals as well. He was kind and compassionate, equally cherishing all forms of life. Since his parents loved him so much, they bought him all he ever wanted - but he did not ask for much, he was never greedy.
Growing up, he has received many animals as pets - there were cats, dogs, hamsters and even exotic animals - tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, you name it.
Their home became a sort of an animal sanctuary, and Attila took care of all animals with love and passion. But, the family business was starting to suffer when his father the baker got ill.
Being the amazing young man he was, Attila stepped up and started learning secrets of the trade - he started baking like no one else.
But, since he devoted his time to the bakery, the animals were starting to be neglected. He tried feeding them, petting them, but nothing helped.
Slowly, one by one the animals passed away leaving behind only the most resistant ones - the snake and a few spiders.
The spiders were easy to take care of, but the snake wouldn't eat, no matter what. Saddened, Attila came to his mother and asked for advice as he was all out of ideas. Of course, being the caring mother she always was, she passed on her knowledge to Attila:
"This anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, Hun."
Here's a joke my dad told me. Sorry if you've heard it, but I found it hilarious, and I think you might enjoy it.
In a small town in the suburbs, there was a small family of balloons. There was a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a small child balloon. Every night the boy would sleep between his parents, but his father had had enough.
"son, I know you love sleeping between us, but you're getting a bit too old for it., " the father said. "You're nearly 8, you're a big boy, and your mother and I think you should sleep in your own bed from now on. You can stay tonight but starting tomorrow we want you in your own bed. Do you understand?"
"Yeah dad, I understand..." the boy said with a maudlin tinge to his voice.
"okay son, I love you."
"love you too dad"
The next night the boy tried sleeping in his own bed, but there was a storm outside. It was a dark, ominous storm - the kind of storm that sounds like a cataclysm for the end of the world.
The boy was scared, so he went to sleep in his parents room. However when he tried to squeeze between them, he found he didn't fit. He felt defeated. He felt scared. He felt alone.
But then an idea struck him. He decided he'd just let a little bit of air out of his father. He tried to squeeze in again, but had no such luck. So he let a little bit of air out of his mother. He tried again. Still no luck. Finally, he decided to let some air out of himself. Success! He squeezed in tightly and drifted off to sleep.
The next morning his parents were furious. His father was feeling particularly angry, and screamed at his son.
"son, I told you not to sleep in our room. I told you to sleep in your own bed! Didn't I say that Hun?"
"yes dear," the mother said, feeling slightly deflated.
"so son, what do you have to say for yourself?" the father asked in anger.
"it was dark and stormy and..." the boy tried to spit out.
"I don't care son!" the father interrupted. "you can't keep doing this! I'm very disappointed. You've let me down, you've let me down, but worst of all..."
We don't want nuns unless you've got buns, Hun!
Let's Get down to Business To defeat the Huns
Wife from upstairs : hey hun can you bring me a heartburn pill before coming up the stairs?
Me from downstairs: how am I going to bring the pill to you before coming up the stairs?
cuz my antique honda don't want none unless you got buns, hun.
My girlfriend and I were looking for a collar for our cat:
Her: "I need to find cat collars"
Me: "well hun if you want cat collars just wear something cute and go outside."
I had to call the doctor's office about a new medication she put me on, when the nurse answers the phone
Me: Hi, my name is *** I'm calling for Dr ***. She just put me on this new medicine and I'm supposed to call in and let her know how everything is going
Nurse: ok, hun. I have to look you up in the system. What's your date of birth?
Me: April 7th
Nurse: What year?
Me: every year...
Nurse sigh ... what year were you born, sir?
Me: chuckle
After discussing death.
Her: this is a dark party
Me to my gf: hun can someone turn on the lamp? (Turns on lamp)
Me to gf sister-in-law: that better?
Mom: Hey hun, how was your camping trip with the boys?
Dad: It was in tents.
Driving with my wife, saw one of those cell towers disguised as a tree. I point at it and said, "look hun, a phony tree!"
She said, "a what?" then looked at it and look back at me. I repeated "it's a phony tree!" A second or two later, eyes rolled follow by small groan.
Of course, a smile on my face for the next minute or two.
Response: "Gains? Laundry detergent doesn't provide that many benefits, hun."
Fuck.
One example of this was his tendency to drive down One Way roads, going the opposite direction.
My mother would say, "Hun, it's a one way road."
To which he'd respond, "Good thing I'm only going one way."
... because every time she does, I poke all the dots saying, "Nice poke-a-dot dress, hun!"
We were leaving to drop her off at home and she was carrying leftover chili.
Me: "It's a little chili , wish I'd grabbed a coat."
Her: "No hun, this is quite a lot of chili."
I think she's a keeper.
They have the same middle name!
They both have the same middle name.
Don't want none unless you've got puns hun!
