My wife spilled tea on herself, and without a moments hesitation, turned to me and said...

β€œI’ve tea’d myself!”

Proud hubby here!

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I once asked my dad what was inside a samosa. Without hesitation, he responded...
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrekkieTechie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad spit this one out without hesitation

Dad: So where do you want to go to eat tonight? Me: I have nowhere specific in mind. Dad: Well I guess we will have to go Atlantic than.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Babykickenpro
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Why did the statistician hesitate to apply the square root transformation to the data on annual hate crimes?

She didn't want bigotry to be normalized.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrBobShelton_74
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My son said his friend wanted to know about history but was hesitant about learning.

I told him that all it takes is... APUSH. (AP U.S History) Sorry if this wasn’t as funny as it sounded in my head.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeet_Boi21
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Harry potter had always been hesitant about telling lies when under the invisibility cloak

people always said that they could see right through him!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepokokputih
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend was hesitant about joining the butcher's beauty pageant.

May end up being a Miss Steak...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kasegauner
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I checked into a motel and the clerk told me I had the second room on the second floor. He picked up the key to hand to me, but hesitated and took it back.

I said, β€œWell? 2B or not 2B?”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Attila the Hun had a pet snake who refused to eat.

He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.

As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.

Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.

When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,

"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_wild_redditer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are photographers so hesitant to get into a relationship?

They're interested in developing one, but can't stop focusing on all the negatives.

πŸ‘︎ 596
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eleventhearlofmar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine offered me a piece of a pizza made out of a magazine that's no longer published. Hesitant at first, it turned out to be tasty!

It was a slice of Life.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my son, "Hey, guess what!?" Hesitatingly, he said, "What?"

I yelled, "Good guess!"

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
If you see a child sleeping, don't hesitate to call the police.

You just witnessed a kid-napping

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
🚨︎ report
The Grim Reaper went to collect a soul. Upon arriving he says to the unfortunate man: "Your time has come, prepare to leave the land of the living and follow me to the gates of heaven. Now come and don't hesitate, for I am unforgiving. Or else you will wander in the shadow realm for eternity!

Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"

"Yes you are"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sint__Maarten
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
The use of "Delhi-dallying" in this Economist article, in the context of the Modi government's hesitancy to reform economist.com/news/briefi…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iZacAsimov
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2017
🚨︎ report
I was hesitant to take my coat back from my girlfriend.

She was cool without it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JayDeeVeeYes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
A doctor was teaching a class, and wanted to give a pop quiz about tolerance and observance when dealing with the cadavers. (L) (On Mobile)

Teacher: β€œSo I want everyone to understand that a dead body isn’t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with one”

The teacher has everyone turn their body over

Teacher: β€œNow I want you all to stick your finger in it’s ass and hold it in there for a moment”

all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first

Teacher: β€œOkay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I do”

The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked

As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, β€œnow see it’s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my class”.

With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wonkagloop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I was hesitant to enter 2019...

It is my first time,please be gentle.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LONEWOLF__14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time

For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max

During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said β€œwell then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”

I reply, β€œwell what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.

And without hesitation my dad replies, β€œwell he can’t lay eggs”

πŸ‘︎ 750
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asian_dodo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the dinosaur hesitant to start another relationship?

Because he always Rex them.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeStrange
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad didn't hesitate to bust out this one

My father is having ankle problems lately and he was trying to describe to me where it hurts and how it felt.

Dad: It feels really sore around my ankle and comes down to my Achilles. It only hurts off and on though.

Me: Well have you tried an ice pack? Maybe you need to wrap it.

Dad: Yo Yo Yo! My ankle is killing me. Word out, son!

πŸ‘︎ 189
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TentacleMage
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2014
🚨︎ report
I hope not to let everyone down

True story. Wife was cooking dinner and says you know what's odd?

With out hesitation I say: the number 7?

Never did find out what else was odd

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boreddudemo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
An upcoming Racer is hesitating on his new career...

so he yanked out his side mirrors because he didn't want to look back.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Efren_John
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2017
🚨︎ report
I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'....

But he hesitated.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I was really hesitant about this haircut at first...

But I'm starting to like it you know. It's really growing on me.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaximusCenturai
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2016
🚨︎ report
Why was the boat captain hesitant to purchase a new hat?

He was worried about capsizing.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danakinskyrocker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
🚨︎ report
I like to think the person who invented the umbrella called it brella.

But he hesitated.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bujurocks1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A captain and his crew. (Hopefully hasn’t been posted before lol)

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain who was the most amazing best captain a crew could ever ask for. His crew loved him more than anything and would do absolutely anything for him.

One day as they were sailing, a crew member In the crows nest shouts, β€œone ship off the port side!” Immediately the captain yells at his crew, β€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!”

Slightly confused, the men hesitate for a second and then hurry off to bring the captain his red shirt. Amazingly they win the battle!

The men are so happy and thankful their captain brought them safely through the battle they don’t even care why the captain wanted his red shirt.

A few months of sailing some more, again the man in the crows nest yells, β€œTwo ships off the port side!” Quickly the captain screams, β€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!” The crew doesn’t hesitate this time to get him his red shirt and what do you know? They win this battle too!!

The crew is astounded at their captains awesomeness!!! They honestly could not find anyone better. This time though the crew stops a moment and asks the captain, β€œWhy do you always have us bring you your red shirt?”

The captain replies, β€œWell men, if I get stabbed the blood will blend into my red shirt and it will look like I’m not hurt so that you will all fight as hard as if I were still alive.”

The men can’t believe what they hear! How could they be so lucky as to have a captain so incredibly smart and courageous??!!

Two seconds later, β€œTWENTY SEVEN SHIPS OFF THE PORT SIDE!!!!!!!”

Calmly, with an even tone, the captain says, β€œMen, bring me my brown pants.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RecTym
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
not a dad but got all my comedic sensibilities from one

i work at a liquor store. i was stabbing the plastic top of a case of tall boys open with a boxcutter (with GUSTO & PANACHE) and one of my regulars came in , saw me, and asked

"jeez, what are you tryna do, kill em?" & i said without hesitation

"well you cant drink them while theyre still alive,"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I received a fortune cookie with no fortune inside.

Without hesitation my wife said, "that's unfortunate"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PieNapps
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.

ME: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance?

DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [...dies]

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad died in 2004, we still get calls for him at times.

this happened a few years ago. It's about my dad and something my dad would have laughed hard at.

phone rings I pick up

me: Hello

TeleMarketer: Hello is Mr ThrashandBurn's Dad available?

Me: ahhhh no he isn't

TM: do you know a better way to reach him?

with out hesitation

ME: Not unless you got a shovel.

I could hear him holding back his laugh wile trying to give his condolences.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThrashAndBurn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Pops was quick on his feet

So my mom asked my dad about a family friend who is having a baby, she asked what his name was gunna be and after some mild mom research she figures out his name is Finley. Without hesitation my dad says β€œwell, at least he’s going to be a hell of a swimmer” and I’ll be damned if I didn’t look at him and giggle a tad.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Just heard this dad call the local radio station...

This morning, a local radio station had trivia going on, in which the first correct caller would win a free dozen donuts at a local store.

Radio DJ: 20% of Americans have one of these in their home, and despite not working, have no plans of fixing them. First caller, you're up!

Dad: (without hesitation) Hello, I have the answer, I'm ready for the donuts!

Radio DJ: (laughs) What is the answer?

Dad: Teenagers!

Radio DJ: Next caller, you're up!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Margerita94
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2014
🚨︎ report
I’ve finally made it in life.

So the topic of nicknames came up in a conversation and we ended up on how the most common nickname for Richard is β€œDick”. Naturally, someone asked, β€œHow do you get Dick from Richard?” And without hesitation I responded, β€œYou ask him nicely.”

Just thought I’d let you all know I’ve made it in life.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greatusername89
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
🚨︎ report
[Request] pubs involving medieval terms

Hey all. I work at a place that sells medieval and Renaissance themed clothing, weapons, and armour. We are beginning to sell snacks in the breakroom for employees (sans vending machine) and I want to call the "shop" something silly/ridiculous. Ye Olde Snack Shack just won't cut it, I want a good pun in there. Don't hesitate to use fantasy inspired ideas either. I wanted to go with The Dragon's Hoard, but would rather have something funny as well!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magic_vs_science
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
The most expensive diamond in 2017 sold for $71.2 million USD

to Hong Kong-based jewelry retailer Chu Tai Fook. Over the last few months as the protests in Hong Kong have become heated Mr. Chu has been on the side of the government which has caught the eye of the international gem dealers, causing him to become a bit of a pariah.

The diamond went up for sale his and the Chinese government wanted to ensure that world's most expensive gem got a fair price. Mr. Chu approached Southerby's who was hesitant to get involved in what could be deemed a political gem sale. Despite his protests none of the world's leading auction houses the answer was always the same, they would not do the auction. This is when president Xi Jiping got involved to ensure that some good news could come out of China.

Last week it was reported that Rick Harrison, from Pawn Stars, had approached Xi Jinping saying that he would hold the diamond but couldn't promise more than $500 USD from the sale of the pendant. This infuriated the Chinese president threatened to take down the reality TV star, but Harrison was adamant telling Mr. Pooh, "If Chu wished to pawn the star, makes no difference who you are"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poortio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I dad joked my wife hard last night.

We have her parents in town visiting, we also live about a mile from Johnny Cash's old house that burnt down some time ago. My wife was telling her mother about the house and how we could go take a look at it from our boat, she called to me in the back room and asked "Hunny, do you know how Johnny Cash's house burnt down?"

Without a seconds hesitation I yelled back "It was a fire".

I was proud of myself.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ May 24 2014
🚨︎ report
While my wife and I were dating in high school we were at this church lock in. I said, β€œCan’t wait till we get outta here and I can plant one on ya” she said, β€œWhat kinda flower”

No hesitation I say, β€œTulips”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vHRenegade
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
If you see a child sleeping, don't hesitate to call the police.

You just witnessed a kid-napping

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
🚨︎ report
The guy that invented the umbrella was gonna call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

πŸ˜›

πŸ‘︎ 189
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robbiekhan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The man who invented the umbrella was originally gonna call it "brella"

But then he hesitated

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsa_sharptooth
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The man who invented the umbrella was originally going to call it the β€œBrella”

But then he hesitated.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadynasty94
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The creator of the umbrella was originally going to call it the β€œBrella”

But he hesitated

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gregonator36
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report

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